Page 23 - ThePhoenix1983-84

Last Edition Scoop DeB"1I so non-chalant about the an- make passes at me, and disenchanted students and send their thugs around and Due to lack of funds and nouncement. Managing Editor invite me up to their rooms faculty members who felt that threaten out lives.", replied a interest the Bird announced William Mann replied, "We all after we were finished. the paper was an insensitive relieved local massage parlor this morning that his will be knew that Greg was a lush, Associate editor, Sneaky piece of garbage that was owner. the final issue. As editor Greg but we never thought that he said, "I knew I should have only looking for fantastic Other local business were Elba said, in his usual intoxi- would go this far as to close been chosen as editor, I just headlines. not happy at all to see the cated manner. "We really the paper. If I had any idea knew it. If I had been put in Around the community the end of the oaoer. The one tried hard to put out a re- that he was going to do this I charge this would have been response varied. Sponsors of greatest affected by the end- spectable paper but we just would have activated my a great piece of literature. the paper who an owed great ing would most likely be the didn't get any response so I takeover plan immediately." But, instead they put that no deals of money to the paper B.S. Fish processing plant said, what the #&*@. I mean Features editor Laura Kle- good Greg in charge, and the were relieved to hear that the whose PR man said, "This will really, I don't give a hoot ber stated, "I'm glad it's all paper went down the drain." paper had folded. "They be a great loss to us because anymore. If they don't care over. Every Tuesday and Other reasons stated by the charged us a great amount of we rely on them for all the about us then we won't print Wednesday we would go and editor of the now defaulted money for very little space, paper that we wrap our fish anymore." work at the CeT, and all Bird were the constant threats and when we were late in in, and now we'll have to use Other editors were not quite those clowns would do is on the lives of the staff 'by paying our bills they would the Ne s American. f From The People Who Brought You The Phoenix We Give You .t::.: The Bird~ November 17, 1983 Western Maryland College Porno Flick In Gameroom Quad Invaded By Marines John Hardup campus. By putting peep- lected in each booth, and B. B. Bean cured. WMC - In a response to shows in the gameroom there drawing comparisons in the On Wednesday, November At 6:00 A.M. the Marines the lack of money being will be an estimated increase amount of money collected in 16, at 5:00 A.M., the United crossed the path to Rouzer brought in by video games in of capital, and a way to similar type flicks. States Marines fanded in the but were again met with the gameroom the school has releive tension among the Each booth will be a two by Quad of Western Maryland heavy resistance, this time announced that beginning in many disenchanted students. two foot box, with a device to College, This attack was justi- from Fierce Dahgohir warriors. Jan-Term, all video games, The Sociology department collect change, and a button fied by the president because In the end their padded including the Pac-Man, will be wilt take advantage of this that will alert an attendent if the school was communist weapons were no match for replaced by viewing booths opportunity to study the the consumer runs out of backed. The school gained M16's. that wilt show hardcore porno- changing sexual preferences change and does not wish to the president's attention when By 7:00 A.M., the upper l graphic movies. among the students and fac- vacate his/her booth, On the paper, was shut down. This floors of Rouzer and most of THE PHOENIX, the school's ulty who will be allowed to The school did this in re- outside there will be a color the other dorms were se- sponse to the declining funds for the attack. The president being collected by the video use the facilities 24 hours a photograph with a discription is was one of the main reasons cured. The last strong hold of the rebels was at the Englar day. The study will be con- what the movie telling games and the decline of the ducted informally by counting about. also wanted the students to Cafeteria. The cooks and social atmosphere around the the amount of money col- Con't on 3 be able to choose their own servers launched a food at- The Real Story student government, not one tack and the marines had a imposed on them by a Marx- hard time getting past the Editor Knocked Up ist faculty. Another reason for vegetarian Lasagna. A Lieu- the attack was that the staff of tenant said, "I have never in being my life seen such bad food, it THE PHOENIX was is a miracle that my men held captive in the basement The Phoenix will no longer of Rouzer. Valiant escape at- survived." the whole 8:00 A.M. At tempts by A.O.T.C. soldiers, fly at WMC, the Editor has Lf3I William Mann and Paige Western Maryland College contracted a nine-month ma- Buchter failed. The president. campus was conquered. The lady, he's pregnant. That's :r~~ with the help of his advisors president said at a soecial right folks, seems he volun- and the Secretary of Defense, press conference, "This was teered for the testing of the decided to land troupa in the a necessary and successful new male birth control pitt, Quad, the stronghold of the mission. All those smug no-it- and it didn't do the job. On rebels. Daniel MaClea was ails who criticize the operation the Pill, Editor Elba acknowl- the first target. will be shot Sunday morning." edged, "I never could figure Fierce resistance came from The president was not able out which day to take which the second floor. It was from to keep his word because at pitt, and the colored ones none other than the Preach- that very moment, at 12:00 really threw me," ers. They fought a long and P.M., a small military force, Some of the immediate hard battle but were finally led by dean Higbee, emerged problems include having to subdued by the Marines. A from a secret part of Elderd- stand farther away from a private told me, "After getting ice. With amazing effort they pinball machine, and pool is by the stench of the halls and took the college back from out of the question. The new the garbage on the stairs, we the stunned Marines. The protrusion is also making it did not expect .such a chal- president-is now in confer- difficult to get under his car lenge from the residents." ence with his advisors con- for repairs. On a positive Ste~ Bailey They received little resistance templating nuclear retaliation. note, Elba will soon have a Here's Greg modeling the latest In Bruce Springsteen from the upper floors and by , , '.'. Con't on 3 maternity· wear· and· practicing bottle feeding 5:40 AM. the Quad was SEr. l ...