Page 32 - TheGoldBug1941-42

PAGE TWO The Gold Bug, Western Maryland College, Westminster, Md., December 4, 1941 This Week's. -------------. Pertinent I 'And The Officer Said' --- Personality E Piddlings .- Reprinted From The Echo The following article was. clipped from The • ------------ • On the _Campus by Peter----' Mountain Echo. We thought it was clever enough to be worth reprinting: Samuel Biggs Schofield is a real Western Marylander; for he Two weeks ago we were hitch-hiking from has been connected with the college in some capacity for more than Announcer: Any name mentioned in this column is Gettysburg to the Mount. A ride came alan?" as 25 years, first as a student and later as a faculty member. purely intentional, and if this paper receives any com- they always do. The driver was an Army officer; After graduating from high school in Cecilton, Md., Dean plaints, nothing will be done about it. and glad to give two boys a lift. Schofield attended the Western Maryland Preparatory school for a "The Goldbug" informed your writer that this column For conversation we had football. After a few year. As a college student later, he majored in science with em- will be published for the proletariat readers who don't minutes of this one of us mentioned the war sit- phasis on chemistry and biology. In his senior year, he held two know what to criticize. If corn is what you want, COI'Il uation. We mentioned the fact that the recent important offices---that of president of the Student government is what you will get. (An English professor would pause repeal of the Neutrality Act would no doubt lead at this point to explain that the word corn derives from to war. angl':1~!~i~no~1'~~le\~.o~\~g~,:~o~~e~~IY~1~la:"g~az:::in:::e::" _ the Latin proverb, "What do you ear from the cob ?") The officer thought not. He said we would be 1'1', did not mean the conclusion of e Dean Of l\Ien Quiz Master: Identify the owners of these campus quips: in no more danger than we are at present. Dean Schofield's activities hero; for The following year he took on ad- "By golly, now... " We expressed the belief that the United States in the fall of 19H1, which was the ded duties as the Dean of Men. This "What's the matter with the band 1" had no legal right, under the Constitution, etc., of year of his graduation, Dean Soh- work continued until 1924 when he "I am reminded of a story .. attempting to sink German submarines. ofield was appointed instructor in was granted leave of absence in or- "There's something missing from my laundry." The officer said that German subs were trying Chemistry and Biology. der to become a graduate student at (ED. NOTE: Answers will be found in "The Goldbug" to sink our ships. Princeton. The following year the office wastebasket.) We said that in the famous Greer case that the degree of Master of Arts was con- Commercial Announcer: You, too, can have a hump in sub was only defending itself, and that the report ferred upon him in the field of inor- your back, smoke "Camels." showed we had fired first. ' ganic chemistry. Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, our great comedians The officer said that this fact had only come After this rather brief absence, stagger up to the microphone-that man with the xylo- out under investigation. Dean Schofield returned to the Hill phone anatomy, Larry Wimbrow, and the puggy pug of We said that we objected to the deceit of the where he has been ever since. At Ward Hall, Killer Kerber! first report. present he is a member of the Amer-i- Wimbrow: What's the title of your next English theme! The officer said that there were a lot of things _ can Chemical Society and is one of Kerber: I am going to write on the adjustment of ex- about the war that the people couldn't be ex- the four representatives of the Mary- high school girls to college life, which will be titled "From pected to understand. land section on the council. He is also Wags to Witches." The officer said that in his belief the U. S. a fellow of the American' Institute of Music: (EDITOR-Who stole the recording machine 1) presents CON- "Bloated Announcer: Army would be used only as a Home Guard force. Chemistry. DENSED CARICATURES ... Buns" Margie Gross ... your studious Iceland, Alaska, Austrolia, Egypt, England, for example. • Gardening Hobby self-assurance ... Ginny Elzey. . poised pulchritude .. We didn't say anything because, like very many Dean Schofield lists gardening as Ed Justice. . withering wit, .. The Petty Girl. boys, we had always believed a Home Guard was his chief hobby. He said, in fact, whew!. W. M. C. cooed... ten o'clock ... gee. Siamese-Twins' Theme Song: "My Spine Is YOUI' Spine" a Home Guard. that he prefers staying home and en- 01' "I'm Stuck on You." The officer said that the German Army was joying this pastime rather than se- about finished: that Hitler was drafting men of lecting diversion away from his fifty and sixty years of age. home. we said that if Hitler were that weak it would He greatly enjoys music, and is seem that the British would invade. now building up a library of recorded The officer said that the British were fighting a Dean Samuel B. Schofield classical music. When asked if he had brilliant defensive war. perhaps a sneaking liking- for swing, We said that we thought the Finnish people he laughingly replied, "I said I like had a right to do as they liked in the matter of good music!" By Paul Alelyunas carrying on the war. The officer said that it was about time we e Assembnes WOl'l'Y The Squire loosened his forty-eight inch belt, sank back started to dictate. ' As the administrative head of the into his rocking chair, and deliberately lit his pipe. Suc- We said that it did not seem very democratic At first it was dusky-gritty- College, Dean Schofield has many cessful college life depends upon rigorous planning, mused that we start dictating. Then the sun came up- tasks that require time and patience. the Squire. To waste time without a definite plan of The officer said it was all right for us to dic- It rose-got high, bright, killing. He stated, however, that probably the waste was undoubtedly the most heinous of the eight tate to those ave?' there. But then it sank a little-a little worst of them is "trying to keep deadly sins. We said that the Russian philosophy of govern- rnore=- ahead of Monday morning assemblies • How To Waste Time ment was antagonistic to ours. Soon it was dark, black, opaque- with a first class program." Now, thought the Squire, watching a circle of smoke The officer said that this didn't count. But I looked at the night . The Dean of Administration opti- The officer said that if these damn strikes I saw the stars-millions mistically believes that "students quietly bursting itself against the ceiling, there are four didn't stop that there would be no goods to send I saw the moon-brilliant seem, to an increasing extent, to have ways of wasting one's time in a seat of learning: one may in Mr. Spier's glorification engage of the kinaesthetic, to England. The Black was redeemed. a better idea of what they want their one may do continual worship to the god Mcrpheus, one The officer let us out. college eduction to do for them". may chase the elusive shadow of beauteous womanhood We said that here was one officer whom F.D.R. This is like my love for you- .College Life Work (and here the Squire's face took on a strange glow), and could count on. A clear thinker if we ever saw At first it was gritty- last but not least one may partake of the motion pictures. one; and just the type to have around when In thinking over his years at the had no sooner crossed the Squire's mind The thought trouble starts. Thcn it rose-c.hlgh, bright, killing .. college, he says that the college has than he was dressed nattily in a gay tweed with a velvet Then something happened- praoticalty become a life work with It sank a little-a little more- him. "The growth of he college, vest and his body was waddling toward the palatial Sta.te. Soon it was black. both quantitatively and qualitatively, One Lung Harry Pulls the Trigger glared the electric But I looked deeper brings real satisfaction to me. I lights. And the soul of the Squire leaped in sheer ecstasy. To THE EDITOR: And saw YOU hope that the progress of the past And 80 passes two hours! \Vhen we became sorority members, we found that I was redeemed. will continue in the future." .Squire Buoyant much of our pleasure was focused in our pride in our clubroom. It was a place where we belonged, Pseudo-Science Simplified, No.4 Bouyant was the Squire's walk as he stepped off the to the value of which we contributed, and to which rubber mat onto the sidewalk. "That was the very es- we could invite outsiders with the pride of posses- sence of cinematic enjoyment", and his hand dropped sion. Since the lifting of the smoking ban, especial- Conscientious Note- Taker Deplores quickly to his hip and six Indians bit the metropolitan ly, we feel that our clubrooms ha-ve become common dust of Main street. How inglorious an end! To be slain property, and we are sorry because one of the most Missing Rear-Row 'Wise Cracks' by an imaginary bullet from an imaginary gun! Oh woe! satisfying sides of sorority membership has been But patience, dear reader, the slaughter is not to end d-immed. here. For under that mass of flesh cultivated through The clubrooms arc not sacred sanctums, but they Last week's fearless foray into the know when an atom has been smash- years of ardent devotion to pork chops and mashed pota- are "our" rooms-we welcome guests because the "psychology of Grades" 01' "You Can't ed?" As the teacher was explaining toes, the Squire's soul began to soar! Imagination sent perpetuation of our sororities lies in our cultivation Win, Silly" met with such success the phenomenon, the, rear-row wit electric waves through the childlike brain. Beware Stan- of new friends. In the future, could we be accord- among the lower scholastic strata and bantered, "There's an awful noise and islavski, Bronoslavski, and Esther Smith! Again the ed the pleasure of extending a gracious invitation the "Ex-Dean's 'Listers" that this the tinkle of falling glass." Lower McKinstry Art Theatre was to mount the boards! and being hostesses! It wil! make the clubroom a 'week we charge again into a discus- e Sltuatlon Serious After careful casting, the production of One Lung Her- more pleasant and appreciated place for all concern- sion of students' basic problems, Men- ?"'lJ Pulls the Trigger was started. And capable was the ed. THE INTERSORORITYCOU&€IL. tal and Gastronomical. We at once realize the seriousness Squire's direction; for his great-grandfather was named • Letter In Greek of such a situation; here, on our cam- Coldslawskl and carried a spear in the Moscow Art Thea- One maladjusted student writes a pus, we find another case of personal- tre production ~f-"The Rotten Prune, or Sad Sadie Suffers long, pleading letter, in Greek, to our ity distortion through poor adjust- a Fate Worse Than Death," written by one Joe Smith. THE GOLD BUG staff export on the Psychology of Ad- ment. The problem stretches out far the play. I'ee the law here West of Baltimore," began "Podner, beyond this one case of poor "Socra- justment. From writing, the shaky it is obvious that he is very neal' to tes" (who, it is reported just before "Wait a minute, wait a minute!" cried the Squire, a complete mental collapse. His prob- this paper goes to press, has choked blandly assuming a Russian accent. "You are a stick, a lem is not a common 0110, but is im- t.o death in the dining hall, trying to pole-no emotion! Think-be logical! You're thc law. Subscription Price $2.00 a Year portant to us purely from the point eat two biscuits at once without but- \Vhen you say that, mean itl You're the law, not a win- Editor-in-chief . . Isaac B. Rehert '42 of view of gctting together 300 words tel'). It is a question for all of us to dow-washer!" personal "Socrates's face. Although lIIanaging Editor " """"""""""""""""""""""Alvin H. Levin '43 to fit in between the editorials and problem has been neatly solved, we .Love Scene News Editor . . John Rawlins '43 some column which has not yet been must not take such an easy out. But the play rushed madly onward. "I'se mighty fond Assistant News Editor _ Mary Miller '43 written. a' you, One Lung," said Sally, girl of the valley, in a Feature Editor Healy '43 • 'Socrates' \Vorried Then there's that infernal question strained falsetto . Sports Editor Robinson '43 "Socrates" (that's the way He sign- of "Do Marks really count!" "And I'ae mighty fond a' you, Sally," repartet-ed One Assistant Sports Editor .. ..Joe Workman '43 ed his letter) has the problem of list- Lung. Exchange Editor Virginia Sweeney '42 ening so intently in class that he "And I'se mighty fond a' you, too, One Lung," said val- Copy Editor... Carolyn Schmidt '43 misses all the clever cracks that are I Room-mate's La~ ley Sally. Proof Editor. Mary Turnley '44 made in the back of the room. It is "And I'se mighty fond a' you, too, Sally," reparte'-ed Business Managers .. Betty Cormany, werner Orrison '43 not until he reads the Gold Bug that Personal Notice in the Daily Iowan, One Lung. And just as this great love was to be sealed Circulation Manager Thornton Wood '42 he finds out what diabolically witty University of Iowa: with a kiss, in rushed "SJip-the-ace-off-the-bottom-Blues" Contributors: Ken Groves '42, Lillian Jackson '45, Virginia remarks are exchanged among stu- McDougall, the villain. Waters '43, Lee Stiffler '45, Carolyn Schmidt '43, dents while he ("Socrates") is fever- "John-after this when you borrow "Stick 'em up---Aw, this is silly, I haven't even got a Carolyn Gable -'43, Mary Spaulding '45, Anne Bar- ishly taking notes on the lecture. For my pants bring them back the next gun." row '45, Richard Patten '44, Clarence Mcwilliams '43, morning. I have 8 o'clock class." Reece Scott '44, Jilnet Baugher '45, Nelson Wolf- example, "Socrates" would completely The heir to Stanislavski and Company boiled with rage: sheimel' '44, Arlie Mansberger '44, Ann Rice '45, 'miss the brilliant remark made in a FURTHERMORE, it's hard for "Fool, pig, swine, dog, Fool of a pig! Swine of a dog! Mary Webb '45, Deloris Hartke '45, Connie Hanis '45, recent psychology class, when, get- the average college man to have any (One blushes) You are not an artist! You are a dog, a pig Jeanne Williams '45, Carolyn Weant '45, Helen Stoner ting further and further off the sub- class at all these days, without of a swine, (One blushes again), pig, dog!! I'm going '45, Jane Miles '45, Ruth Sartorio '43, Mary Virginia Walker '43. ject, a girl asked, "How do scientists trousers. out and get a beer. Nuts!"