Page 87 - ThePhoenix1982-83

Frats booted floyd rObertson In a stunning move, Dean of bers who have records of vandalism and other violence Student Affairs Jean Higbee 1 has ordered every member of will face stricter penalties fOr every fraternity off campus for their next offenses. "I'm not the remainder of the school etion," said Higbee, "but fu- year. The action, sparked by just worried about this qener- Hell Week activities and other ture genrations as weU."_Thus, incidents, gives fraternity frequent vandansers will be members twenty-four hours castrated. Preventing them from today to get. their pas- from breeding is the best sessions and leave campus thing for society," said Hig- housing. bee. "They're all a bunch of The members of fratemities losers," - said Higbee in an all over campus expressed exclusive interview. "All they dismay over the ruling. "Gee do is drink, get in fights, and whiz," said Sig Prep president mess up the quad. I'm sick of AI (Gator) Izod. "That sure will them." Higbee added that put a crimp in our plans!" individual fraternity members "It's not fair! It's just not Fraternity members campus ~~~Si~~ :~~ty~~r,P~~!i~~~~ fair!" said Bait president Mur· going to have the first Dean Quad," said the frail, catlike Quad by students from other have to live- in Rouzer. Stu- ~~y~~a~~e~;~~ ~~~a~o~~: ri~~k~ati!~,history! I bet she'd ~~~~yinFI~n~3~r f~~o th~:: ~ho;m~i;~I~s~e~f~~:~s.~u~~~ dents who do not leave by stam~ for life!" Meanwhile, students ap- years.-"! dibs the clubroom," school administration is hop- ~~~~Yle~~~~~~11 be shot N~~~~:n!~~egr~fi~~~~ ~~~~ plauded the move. ''I'll finally said Phi Alph president L.C. '~~ytr~rt.~~erte~r~h~e~~~U~y~l~ -westem.-cMaiylu"'n,tsl) au: F.u.rthermore,fratemity mern- be able to get a room in the De~~Wrooms not taken in the nasium. '** * ** ** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ,---------=-----, S _ P.!~~nearly hurt On Thursday, March 17, at approximately 1 a.m. a near homicide occured in the quad. It seems that an unknown man attemped to run down Dave Dick following a confrontation IIAll the news that fits, we print" between the man ana Dave Yurcisin and Dick. The man had been wandering around in an intoxicated state when Dick and April Fools v_ II, ,"umber13 Yurcisin did their duty as real men of WMC and requested identification'. The lush replied with a barrage of insulting i :*****************~******* remarks. He then got into his car and appeared to be leaving. Dick (his real name) thOUghtthe problem was over and began 1 Dizziwitz to walking back to the Phi Delt section. The man in the car proceeded to jump the curb and head straight for Dick. Dick Steven Rossman leamped into a nearby bush and narrowly missed amputation. Said Dick, "Gee, I thought it was Burkett screwing off The following is the first again." - taped interview allowed The Said Yurcisin, "If only I'd have had my baseball batt" Phoenix with the renowned (Dave a star on the WMC team.) and knowledgable humanitar- Said Bill Jeanne, "I would have had loaned him mine, but ian Dr. Sol 9izziwitz. 1 was using it to destroy furniture." (Jeanne, a budding interior PHOENIX:Dr. Dizziwitz, it decorator and hygenist.) was very kind of you to allow Any information on the identity of the assailant should be us this special interview. We turned into the Phi Delt section. They plan to teach the guy a are honored. lesson by blowing him up with some small arsenal of fireworks DIZZIWITZ; Well, you're wel- purchased on the way back from Spring Break in Little Cuba. come. It's my pleasure, be- sides, I don't go -out much these days. world? PHOENIX:Whatis your opin- PHOENIX;Oh, no, Dr. Dizzi- DIZZIWITZ; Have WE GOT witz. It's our pleasure. We are PROBLEMS. The problems i0'b~~Wi:P¥~~t ~~; T~ays? really so happy, so lucky to we got today are terrible. PHOENIX; The gays. have you here today. PHOENIX; (Pause) That's DIZZIWIT?; Who are the DIZZIWITZ: Since you've your opinion? gays? A new rock group? got me, what about interview- DIZZIWITZ; Yes, that's mY PHOENIX: No, Dr. Dizziwitz. ing me? I haven't got all day, humble opinion. The word gay describes a you know. PHOENIX: There's nothing homosexual. PHOENIX:Of course, and more you would like to add to DIZZIWITZ: I don't under- we thank you. your statement? stand this business. In my DIZZIWITZ; Tell me. boy- DIZZIWITZ: No. That's it. time, I'm talking twenty, thirty chick, why do you keep say- PHOENIX; You are SURE? years ago, GAY meant you _ ing "we thank you?" I only DIZZIWITZ; Yes, for were HAPPY. Who the hell see one of you. Heaven's sake, what do you changed the meaning? PHOENIX:You see, sir, want from my life? Listen, I PHOENIX: We don't know: that's the way we conduct only got a limited amount of sir. these types of interviews. We time. DIZZIWI~; I mean. what i interview as if the newspaper PHOENIX:Yes, sir. was wrong with the OLD DIZZIWITZ, I've got things I· were interviewing as a whole. meaning? Being "happy and Hence, the collective, all en- to do, shopping for m~ wife gay, all the live long day, compassing, "we." Sophie. underwear to boom-boom, ain't it great to DIZZIWITZ; Well, thank you. bUY...SO please, let's do the be crazy?" I fear to say lWO YOU ALL. Can we cut the ctut- interview. WORDS for I should be chat and gel on with the PHOENIX: Yes sir. Our in- punched in my face - all world? tent is to get all the facts. because I meant one thing PHOENIX: Of course, DIZZIWITZ: Too much fat and someone else meant so- (Pause) What is you opinion spoils the chicken soup, I about the problems of the always say. continued to page 2 /