Page 93 - Scrimshaw1980-81

52 Hostaqes still safe at home suburb. Emergency medical planes there weren't nearly as many com- hostages, states that his "Patriotic Lay down your bets on the first mercials Marine Phillip Keith L. Arnold . ~:~~I~~~~~~=~;n~:~~~~i~~a~~e~ Reese says he survivors" as he calls them, are hostage to have a baby contest available for lectures and children sponsored i:', Gerber baby food. To Yes, r= latest reports are In, after to have been taken care of without missed his corn flakes, and is pres- parties preventheavybelling on the marines, two months of complete safety, re- complications. Although two Air Force ently enjoying reading about himself Peter Jenkins, stated that he still the child must be legitimate.And if it ports have leaked from throughout jets are on alert to carry the wounded in TIME and NEWSWEEK has not qotten used to bathing but is a girl, she will get the opportunity the country that all the hostages are to Bethesda Naval in a moments HostageStevenRichards,is spend- teels that cleanliness has its merits to star with Sean Connery in the safe and accounted for (thank God!). notice. ing his time catching up on his soaps Jenkins who was kept in a solitary upcoming James Bond release, The hostages are in good health,' Hostage Richard Queen reminisced commenting: "So much has hap- small dark compartment for his last scheduledto be filmed in 2002, titled .with the exception of the flu affecting about his captivity. slating that it pened, and they say these shows three months of captivity spends his "The Spy Who Felt Sleep' a marine sergeant in Texas and a wasn't all thaI bad, the food slunk, move slow. time unbending his kneesand squint- The eight soldiers who died in the nasty paper cut in a Washington but you gal use to the blindfoldsand Ben Smith, agent for six of the >00 rescue attempt had no comment Scumshaw 8 Whimsie . 1891, 1 lirpA, yadsendeW Volume CCCP Number 3 x 10 Final Days of Heart-Iess-wyk Woodward and Burnstein "You won't have Chris Heart-less- Studentsupportfor the ex-president with Buddy Stocksdale to pull off a time "meter-maid" Utz wyck to kick around anymore' reached an all time low when it was 'premeditated fiasco. He explained as Cries of foulplay escalated when Days within this development an In the lace of growing criticism from discovered that he purchased 532 a coincidence the fact that he had scalpers began selling spring concert informalset of impeachmentcharges all sides. WMC Student Government tickets from Social CommitteeChair- over 250 student I.D. cards and tickets at outrageouslyinflated prices were drawn up by concerned student President Chris Heart-Iess-wyckera- man Buddy Stocksdale lor WMC's $2,500 in small, unmarked bills in a In an effort to placate student unrest. leaders.Thesecharqes included: oc- mauceuv announced his resignation upcoming spring concert briefcase at the ticket sale. Stating Heart-Iess-wyckagreed to appoint a strucuon of justice, abuse, missues before a stunned SGA Senate on Discounting the significanceof this that he was just "taking advantageof speciaJprosecuter to the investigate and lack of use of power, rudeness Thursday March 19 action, Heart·less-wyck stated that a golden opportunity," Heart-tess- the case and turkey sodomy Insisting to the end that he was "all I did was buy a lew tickets for wyck pointed out that his frat motto After an extensivetalent hunt. it was In an effort to stem mounting op- innocent of any wrongdoing, Heart- some friends, And I didn't even buy was "be prepared" announcedthat Robert"Dick Tracey' position,Heart-Iess-wyckreleasedthe less-wyck relused to give specific them all, why I must have left at least In an effort to villify his position, Fasano would fill this post infamousexecutivefiles to the public reasonsfor his resignation.But politi- 30 general admissions seats, not to Heart-Iess-wyck promised that a In the end, it was Fasano who Public contempt reached a fever cal analysts agree that the recent mention standing room only" "thorough and unbiased" investiga- broke the investigation.One morning pitch when a 18 page gap was Crack the Sky ticket controversywas Heart-Iess-wyckvigorously denied tion would be undertaken by the while reading his favorite newspaper, discovered in the files. The gap the catalyst to his downfall accusations that he had conspired honor board at Ihe earliest possible the National Enqulrar, Fasano no- occured during a conversation be- ticed a note on the top of page five tween Heart-less-wyck and Stocks- which read "meet me in the Rouzer dale and began with Heart-Iess-wyck Tremor strikes WMe parking lot at 5 p.m.-signed TLM" stating "Now about how we are going Fasano recollected that "it was to sell these spring concert tickets " Heart-Iess-wyckexplained that the really just a fluke that I saw the note, Rapid Robert if it wasn't for that great slory about gap was simply a mistake, created Debbie BoonecarryingJerry Falwell's when his secretary, Bobby "Sid Vi- The cement bleachers of Hoffa as a surprise to the administration. in the "shake up," He said that other baby, I might have missed it cious" Kline absent mindedly typed Field cracked and crumbled into a Ding-a-ling-Yingling said that the facilities in need of "renovation or "I got to the lot at 4:15, but I got so • over that part of the file with'whiteout mass of rubbleduring a "slight earth stands at the field had been in elimination" are Rouzer Hall, Hoover tremor" that passed through West- questionableconditionfor the last five library, Gill Gymnasium,and Decker involved writing tickets, I must have during a telephone conversation minster last week years, and were condemned by the Center. Yingling described Decker missed the Informer," Fasano ex- Kline explained that "I was just The Maryland Geergraphic Center Maryland Fire Marshall ac "unfit for Center and RouzerHall as problems plained gabbing on the phone, I wanted to reported that a tremor, measuring any use," last month areas Ihat eventually will be de- Another message led to a secret make a correctionand before I knew slightly less than 1.0 intensityon the "This incidentcomes as a Godsend stroyed and not replaced. The space meeting with the mysterious deep it, whoosh! There went 18 pages" RichterScale shooka four mile strip for us," said Ding-a-ling-Yingling provided by the ultimate elimination throal. It was from this source that But the student body was not of Westminsterfor ten seconds last "The bleachers were scheduled for of those buildings will allow for addi- Fasanolearned of the crucial execu- satisfiedwith this explanation,and as Wednesday, The only damage re- demolitionthe very next day, so it will tional parking areas on campus tive files impeachmentproceedingsadvanced, ported was that of the total destruc- save WMC a lot of money, and put With the athletic field under renova- As is a customwith membersof the . Heart-less.wyckannouncedtus resig- tion of the spectator stands at Hoffa constructionof the new athletic field tion and 01 little to service to the Phi Delta Theta Fraternity,Heart-less- nation Field ahead of projected planning" college. the administration an- wyck kept extensivefile records of all Upon willinglyaccepting Heart-less- According to Physical Plant Direc- Ding-a-ling-Yinglingalso said that nounced yesterday that the field has his activitiesas SGA president.When wyck's resignation, new SGA presi- tor, Preston Ding-a-ling-Yingling, the he would like to have seen some been officially renamedHAFFAFIELD Fasano sought a court order to see dent Theresa Barker promptly an- collapse of the stands did not come other buildings on campus destroyed until further notice these files, Heart-Iess-wyckrefused, nounced that she would grant the 'claiming they were protected by former president a "full and all en- 'oun oraumu S! t!well e Ins "Fraternal privilege" compasing pardon." Althoughhe will- '8U!"'!PS! oeeqe 'V When Fasano persisted in his et- ingly accepted this pardon, Hartwyck 'au!! s! uewOM'V forts to see the files, Heart-less-wyck stoicly maintained that "I am not a 'MOU>iop I 5u!41auo S,9J841I! pies 04M fired him and replaced him with June criminal." 'OUnJBpaureu J94:)eaJda seM eouc 8J941 . ,,'9q 01 a:)Bld ieueq e S! leJI lOO'peep fillnl81eJ5 Bio profs study Sl 84 IB41MON'Ie'l S!4185p81d01IOUuosea, ureu, a41seM 8lpelj:J J8410JqlOO 'UMO100)0 areo a>iel01M04 MOIn!14:)elas t!wwe8 search dates back to her days of 10sa5p8jd a41aM.. 'fipoq a41uo pauu!d alOue Uelll ,alllO 'JaplOW Bongs Bunny' doing experiments fOf her doctoral aJJt!z!qalii U! speal ou 8f1efl8:)!IOd'14fl!uIsel Jaqwe8 Jeau SSOJ:) A spokespersonfor Western Mary- dissertation,In these experimentsshe UBI>!xnl>!nl)l P8UJnqe uo p8!1pnJ:)punoJseM sJ8!fluel a!jJe4:) land College's Biology Department studied the effect 01 induced heavy UO!l!Puo:)lel!ds04 841OIU!>ileM recently announcedthat Biology pro- breathing on the rateo! reacurance pue snoJOwnll'snD!JaS'alqels:poofl U!aq 01palJodaJseMa4 ;JJ;J4M fessors Drs. Michael Brown and and/or spread 01 cancer in young peall paleJfl e lj)!MfiJeWJ!jUIalj) 01W!lIpa4SnJpue >pnJI4SeJI:)~M Louise Paquin have been involved in attractive male patients. Apparently both professors have ,§ e ~:n ~~~~~~~ :~~:)~~u~~~~:~'~~~~~~~~~1~8:~~:)=e~0~J~g - a study concerned with revealingthe enjoyed getting to know each other underlying cause of cancer. In a § ~ UOlflu!4SeMu! 104Sueflea!:l Pleuo!:l'sassel:) sla:)ue:) 41!WSqJaH - seriesof statisticalstudies performed better through their work on the aup!pa~ fiJeualafl project. According to Dr. Brown on patients with various forms of the 10fipnls 4Idap-u! JOI'SleW!Ue41!M'a)8Idwo:) 'Wlej IUaJSJa4:)eaJd- "Workingwith Dr. Paquinhas been a dreaded disease, Drs. Brown and truly uplifting experience." Dr. Paquin sndmD~ Paquinobserved that, at least at one agrees saying, "Mikey, I mean, Dr. point prior to contractingthe disease, Brown is a very satisfying person to all palients dir',in fact,breath. Dr. Paquin's interest in cancer re- work with" sign in this glassJ