Page 94 - Scrimshaw1980-81

Scumshaw Tower Really Leaks Get a real Campus Drug Index Sno~ Bird the illicit drug market. He suggests attitude Bob! SCrl,:",shaw consumer advocate, contacting your local dealer lor spe- Rapid Robert , to throw you in the tank Can you Snowbird, has compiled a I~stof what cial bargain rates and month-end WMC Watertower- A little known tread water until the end of the your inllated dollar can stili buy on sales. A sample list includes fact about WMC is the existence of a semester? Pot $35/oz $l1OJV:lb small closet in the tank of the big Thereis one good point to being up Hash green wa!erto:",~r at the edge of the here. You can see everything (And I lebonese blonde $7/gr - $ltO/oz golfcour~e, It IS In here that I write all do mean everything) that goes on at Oil $251gr thO,S8lund and stupid columns which WMC. Just last week I sal up here Speed: Black beauties $llhit I~;~:~~ethisa?:g~~~h~~a~~~1~:~ ~hnedn::!~~~~ti~~ie~~o~nhda~r~~ki~~i/~~ Robin eggs $113 hits ~ ready readers, because this is an- a really nice man. " mean, he do- Qualudes $3.50 $10 for 3 '0 other such colu.mns. neteo a good sum of currency for the Coke $90/gr f . I qota few cnces. and one of them renovation 01 the lield. Just think, (Yes, I can do that too!) after we get Pink Peruvian Crystals $IIO/Q_r ~ rs gett.l~g stuck .w[th this column. (I ~ai~~~l t~~I~~nf:~d;oW~U~I~n:o~~~ ~~~Ck ~~·;g~~r 1~n;~h~t ~~r~~ri~fI~:v;:·\;~~~U~~~ .__;;;='------------....;;,;.;,;;.;:;;,_J'-"' ..... ~ __ __J< room until I hack out whatever comes college And while I am on the topic of The Maxwell Papers to mind. (Yes folks, I do have one!) that I have been looking very hard to What.do ~ou expect? I have to ~[~up REAL, I want to assure all the readers here In thiS damp. cold, and definitely everywhere. I even dropped by the the ground. Onty then do they send _ allow Teresa Baker to "make a fool Keith had a set of detailed steps to soggy room until I drop the copy to find a REAL attitude. I have looked out of herself so that I could run for discredit and destroy Chris. The first ~~m;~n~utup to untock the door and ~or:~1 i~~~!~alc~~~te~i~~ ~:w s~~: Tod O'Rourke president this year unopposed" step was to spread nasty rumors Flash--Scumshaw has discovered Lee's progress has been, accord- . abo.ut Chris's sex lile and eating It is miserabte up here. How could insight. wen-.They sent me to the that lee Maxwelll, through political ing to confidential progress reports habits anyone write anything semi-decent in Para-psycholopv center at Princeton intrigue and conspiracy, engineered drafted by Dr. Herb, "little short of Lee then hired a woman to infect such conditions? Believe it or not, the There they told me that attitudes are the resignation of Chris Hartwyk from spectacular." lee has gained good Chris with a virulent strain of mono watertower really does leak. Just last only apparitions unique to certain the SGA Presidency in order to political status in the SGA through Chris was forced to go home and Sunday. the electrical system got humans. My doctor told me that in his receive an "A" in a secret political "his full-time involvement in the cru- was open to direst attack from lee soggy and shorted out. The little red home country. Bolivia. they shoot science special studies project he cial SGA Elections committee" and lee went into high gear then. lights that go "buzzzzz'' on the roof anybody with an attitude. "Robert" has been working on since last 'his dedicated involvement with nu- rallying political power, spreading did not go on, and all those planes he said. "In La Paz, there are oniy semester under the tutelage of Asso- merous other committees" lee's rumors and whatever dirty facts he lIying into Westminster airfield passed al!itude problems" Tomorrow, I am ciate professor Herb Smith. reputation has, according to the could find. Chris returned to campus too close over the tower. It was semi- going to look for a Real attitude at the lee contracted with Dr. Smith progress reports, "risen with his in- to find his power base greatly er· horrifying! There is water all over Ihe public library. (I already looked at last year to demonstrate the political volvement from utter- contempt to oded. Lee goal was still, however. to lloor in this room, and they keep Hoover Library} expertise he has obtained from his mixed distaste and mild respect." remove Hartwyk entirely. But before promising to give me a pair of Keep the cards and letters coming political science courses and my among other SGA members Lee could act, Chris embroiled goloshes and a baling bucket. Well, I readers. "well-known talent for winning political Lee, in his own memos to Dr himself in the now-infamous "Ticket- am still waiting promises, promises For WMC News, this is power struggles." lee plotted his Herb, attributes some of his success gate" scandle. lee lost uiue time in I am ready to start a mutiny up here! Robert "GET A REAL AITITUDE" rise "in the SGA power structure from to political allies like John Hines, Bart capitalizing on Chris's fatal mistake If you come too close Bill,l am gOing Holt-The Watertower a lowly representative to the point Stocksdale, and Keith Arnold but he and forced his resignation in a stormy Herb expects Wedding rings wnere, if I was not SGA President, my puts much more on adversaries like SGA meeting. Chris himself was later influence would be such that the Hartwyk and Baker. "I must admit." quoted to say, "How could I be so whole SGA. including the President, lee wrote, "that if Chris wasn't as unbelievably stupid" would follow my orders wilhout ques- immature as he is. and if Teresa ttee to come out with an "A" on this bell lion." wasn't such an airhead, my task project. his success have been that Scumshaw learned from documents would have been much more diffi- great. The final result hinges, how- obtained Irom a knowledgable source cult" ever, on whether lee can win the in the Political Science department While lee's scheme to dethrone SGA Presidency for next year. lee ~he WMC co~munity will be proud to hear nf a truly campus bureaucracy, as well as from the few Hartwyk is still a closely-guarded is, however, confident of his ability: wedding. Announctnq the engagement of Miss Le vox to Mr. M close friends lee Maxwell really has, secret, Scumshaw has learned this "By my calculations, I should win by Elwood Ensor, Jr. (Both are seniors here at WMC) This reporter guesses that the decision of matrimony was made Lee's detailed scheme to-besides much from its secret source in the a substantial margin." over Spnng Break b~cause rumor has it thaI Ms. Cox stayed in the Editor's Note: luckily lee will (hope- department, known to the Poli-Sci achieving other qoals-eliminate Chris l Hartwyk from the SGA and then to outside world only as '!Margerat." that fully) graduate at the end of this year Ensor apartment while everyone else was sunbathing in Florida. I asked Mr. Ensor's roommates to explain. Mr. T. Sinton said, "Hey, be Reactionarily Speaking ~OOI,.be fr~e, be happy!" Mr. E. Moore said, 'Wouldn't you know it, I ve lived With the guy for three long .years and he tells me nothing!" happy!" B. Stocksdale said. "Fine, Just Fine. I hope Ihey'li be very • Marxist midgets rise at WMC. Yes, Ms. Yvette Carney and Dr. Charles Neal are very It is a little known fact that Ms. Cox's mother and father work here proud of thei~ daughter's engagement. Ms. Carney has scheduled keith "kill the Commies" Arnold been kidnapped by the Russians world they can get their purge-blood the wedding In the Forum and the rece ption was 10 be held in the There are over 200.000 midgets (or Yes, that Crimson Temple to the stained hands on cafeteria but, who knows where it will be now. Maybe the leidy dwarfs) in this country. That's one for Totalitarian tyranny that subjucates Why you ask, well. isn't it obvious? r~. The service Will be .conducted by Rabbis Mowbray and every 100 people. Yet do you See ever increasing portions of the globe, They're building a tunnel. A tunnel laidlaw, each being good meres of both families. that many? Think about it. Are they the Kremlin, has been systematically through the Earth and finally up in Mr. Ensor's. parents, on the olher hand, have mixed feelings hiding? Is it just that they are so small kidnapping not only American midg- Cleveland, Ohio - the heart of our concerning tnelr son's bold move. While Mrs. Ensor, Sr. is a little we don't notice them? No, they have ets but aft the little people of the industrial Mid-west. From there, this relieved to find her son finally limiting himself to just one girl Mr Marxist conlrolled army will slowly Ensor,. Sr.. di.sowned Woody (Elwood, Jr.) just before he (E.' Sr.) Scumshaw Staph· New Jersey. and strangle this coun- committed SUicide infiltrate our ranks, claim they're from The wedding will slill go on as planned on May 23. It is of no try, Ihis monument to individual free- surprise. t~ see that someone goofed and scheduled it opposite Gradualion. I think more people will attend the Cox/Ensor wedding "The Boss" . Willie dom and inherited wealth though, because .beer and an alter~ate beverage will be served by Manageable Editor .. . ..... Frosty Why midgets? Why not midgets? the Social Committee (for 25' a drink, of course). Deadline dodger ...... Keilt1"Kill the Commies" Arnold Heavily indoctrinated dwarfs are brit- Rumor a!so has it thaI Val E., a good friend 01 the couple. will Future Editor..... . Bob "Real Attitude" Holt lanUy suited to take over a country of throw the blldegroom a beer basn in apartment 3H tonight. All are Athletic Supporter liz "Phi Delt" Siegenthaler kind. good natured, and exceedingly Cosmic Editor ... Exterryestrial Dam helpful individuals (look what we did supposed to be welcome. but the Deans The..wedding party win consist of: the bride's roommate, Miss Embezzler ... Rusty Johnson for Vietnam). No one will expect Mary lee Fonzerelli as the Maid of Honor: Ten brides-maids who will Angelo's Ad Agency ....................................................Mo anything dangerous out of short peo- be chosen from a lottery of Phi Alphs and the women from Blanche Pornography Editor ...... Adam "Developed" Wrong ple. And with short people, your Rrst: (The girls from 1st lloor have been trying to marry off Woody Real photographer ... . ... Pete "Leaky" Roof tunnel doesn't have to be very tall since September); and the groom's best man will be chosen from Token Sororiety Staffer.. Janet Trainor You think I'm crazy, don't you? You among his numerous drinking buddies. Congratulations to Miss Artist... ...................................................... lynda "B" think I'm lOSing my mind. Wefl don't leah and Mr. Elwood, and good wishes for your future success laid Out.. Pele Ceiling, Karen Avenue. Fran Henderdaughter, say I didn·t warn you. Go ahead and together. ' Chris Deesoto, Cool Bob, Judy Nitmick laugh! But when the average height ATTENTTON: Brothers AI, Steve, Martin, and Ed of the Zionist Midnight Express ....... Mess "FolirWheels" Johnson around Cleveland, Ohio drops a few Goptic Church will hold a small group memorial for the groom in TypisJ... . ....... Pan: Johnson inches, and some 3' 6" mass mur- apartmen~ 3G this S~nday at 11:00 a.m, (bring candles) derer is on some commie postage . The slst~rs of Phi Alpha Mu Will not hold a candle light for the Sure it's. mis-quoted, out of context, blatanlly libelous and slander- stamp - don't come crying to me! bllde-Io-be, Instead they will sponsor a bonfire and celebration in A- ous-but It'S yo~r paper. If you want the job done right, pay usl We JOHN WAYNE lIVES! ...And Alexan- Section MacClea on Monday night, watch WMC Today for details are Sick and tired 01 working for nothing! der Haig is his prophet.