Page 42 - TheGoldBug1957-58

The Gold Bug, Feb. 6, 1947 The Editor's Professor Meatloafer Samariwhhu eutg~ Farewell Fling C = HNMPT (32 -DELTA) "What have you done?" St. Peter 13,600 ALPHA asked, By TEN O'CLOCK "That I should admit you here]" the A special committee appointed has by Light Society Westminster "I ran a paper,' THE EDITOR said, In the past fifty years many new away by his profound ideas on the announced a Hew cut system which "At my college for one. long year." faces have appeared on the Hill, but will be put into effect immediately. St. Peter pityingly shook his head few can compare with that worn by economic problems of the world to- There will be no fines fat overcuts, And gravely touched the bell. our own Professor Meatloafer. After day, as inevitably happens in the "Come in, poor thing, select a harp. half a century the impact of his com. course of his f'ascinat'ing lectures, he but anyone who exceeds the number of cuts allowed b~the Light Society's You've had your share of Hell." ing to WMC is still being felt by the lapses into the full volume of the special formula iII be required to (Editor's Note: This is our edi- student body. fluent and precise colloquialisms of submit that num er of Coca-Coia bot- torial. We warn the new editor Professor Meatloafer's early educa- his ancient Slcbbcvtan family. For tle caps to the Society. that this issue is the inevitable end example, we offer ~ quotation from a Total number of cuts allowed will of a year behind the editor's desk. tion consisted of a special fifteen-year- recent lecture. you prasent?" be figured on the basis of the formula, school on course in' a small grammar "Meester Cortam:i-are Don't let this happen to youl) the Eastern Shore, plus six years in Silence C = H N M P T (32-delta) Pocomoke City High School. Upon his "Hah! You are absent and deed not 13,600 alpha graduation he studied in the following report eet so! Eell streectest accord- Prot, MeatlQa/~r where C is the number of cuts al- Woetry institutions: of Maryland, and Florence ance weeth my iron-bound preeneiples lowed, H is the number of hours' Sykesville, Alcatraz, work the student has completed, N is University absolute Meester eempart.iafity, Brittanica. Crittendon Academy. of Oortenat vill gat the 'Ahff' grade een every volume of the . Encyclopaedia the catalog number of the course, M THE HALLS OF YEARNING His courses are unique in that they theea course." Professor Meatloafer, in his blue is the number of class meetings per At the sound of the bell we don our are combined to give instruction in Professor Meeuoarec's main com- velvet toga, may be seen in the halls week, P is the point average of the caps; language and economics, Ordinarily plaints against the students arc .that surrounded by eager groups of stu- student's grades, T is the mean tem- Chattering gaily we slip into wraps. Professor Meatloafer s-st-st-st- some of them are male, some do not dents, to' whom he is explaining the perature for the school year in de- Our fervor is childlike-leaping and stutters with a definite Southern have a Supreme Justice as an uncle, cut system. For their further con- grees Centigrade, delta is the number singing, drawl, but when he becomes carried and some have not eaten and digested venience he has made several handy of teeth in the student's mouth,e and Merry we skip, our bright laughter pocket stone tablets upon which the alpha is the student's age in years. ringing. Chart for .the BU8Y BU8i'!eS8 Man rules are carved in hieroglyphic~. ..It will be found in certain cases 'Tis dinner! 'Tis dinner! Oh joy and (This led directly to the installation that 32·Delta is equal to zero, in which case a special formula must be oh bliss! of his most popular physics course: applied. This formula is defined as This thrill, this delight for nothing Hieroglyphics the 403.) professor's learned C'=RTwS Despite we'd miss I background and studious appearance, What visi;ns of sugar plums, luscious he is really quite a family man. He X 140 P Q and sweet, has three children, whose bright say- where R is the, student's room num- What dreams of the gamut of good ber, Tw is the retiring time things to eat! ings are used as the subject of all but student's a few of his lectures. The youngest, on Wednesdays, S is the higbest Speculation runs high-will it be affectionately referred to as Fats,o by score he has made on the pinball rna- pheasant or lamb? the professor, already shows signs of chine at Earl's, P is his pulse rate, Lush breast of guinea? Woodcock? Or inheriting many of his father's char- and Q is the barometric pressure in ham? acteristics, as the little tyke takes millimeters of Hydrogen on New Will a flaky Napoleon, peach melba, great delight in ; squashing worms, Year's Day.) or cake kicking .lit,. ~ .dogs, and beginning It is immaterial to the school Add the consummate touch to what each day with a series of utterly un- whether the absence is due to sickness we partake? answerable questions. or death of the individual. The stu- In his spare time, Professor Meat- dent is p'aying for his studies and The portals we near-excitement's loafer can always be found puttering should be expected to be at all class intense. around among the rabbit hutches in sessions it is possible for him to at- Eager, we sharpen our oliactory his back yard. His- prize buck, a tend. sense, beautiful Flemish Giant named Rob- Special concessions are made to And sniffing the wind, our heads we (Continued on page 3, column 4) Dean's Listers". lift high. ("Those who make a point average Silence prevatla; there's scarcely a Impo_ssible? of 4.00 or better will be construed as ----Slgti.----~------~--- ,I. _•. ~ __ ~_~_. __ The teeth gnashing hungTily, the forth stretching hand-c. It is felt that this system, although Onward and upward marches the not the best that can be made, will be of intestimable the value in reducing band. . (Adapted from Heavenly Discourse which these dance. everywhere that this is a war to What tickles our nostrils? We reach by John Erskine Scott Wood.) Ingersoll: Theirs is not to reason end preparedneaa-c-I mean a pre- number of cvercuts and in increasing for our flasks-c; God is standing on the parapet of why; theirs is but to do or die. paredness to end war. Make the the student's regard for his courses A gurgle, a choking, a scream-c. celestial light overlooking space. He Voltaire: Where did you find that girl-angels enthusiastic. Bring the of study. Any relevant factors which be incorpor- "GASMASKS!" wears a military overcoat, boots, and military gem, Bob? young people together. Together, have been ignored will if they can be ated into the formulas spurs. Ingersoll: In the schools. A bread- do you understand? Fortified, terrified, the brave ones God: If Satan should attack now I and-butter bit by ~he poet laureate Gabriel: I understand, Omnipotence. shown pertinent. advance, fear the result. The walls are in of England. God: Michael, take charge of con. StUmbling, staggering, like ghosts in bad shape; we are not prepared. I God: Corne, gentlemen. We have scription. I mean vulunteer-ing- en a trance. must have a campaign of prepared- eternity for war. Preparedness, I masse. If there is any criticism or We dazedly start at what we're to ness. Once fully prepared to resist mean. But no time to waste on complaint or resistance-jail them, ..t- attack I can myself attack if that poetry. torture them, obliterate them. We It's a bird-it's a plane-My God, it's seems desirable, Hermes! Voltaire: But, mon bon Dieu, that is want no objectors, no slackers. This She got him! MEAT! (Hermes enters and salutes grl.lce~ not poetry. must be a purely voluntary enlist-- ment. Wee, eleakit, cowerin', timorous fully.) God: Never mind. What shall we do Michael: I will make it voluntary if Reprinted from the Police Gazette. to-to- to make heaven Ijrepared beastie- God: Hermes, summon Michael, to defend against any who seem to "Treatise on the Major Drives of Gruesome shape, are you our feastie? Mars, Gabriel, Israfel, Pallas, Aph- endanger our supremacy? Defend. I have to choke every angel of them. Man." and Mary-no, rodite, (Jesus comes in.) Before us we see some purple, some the women. never mind That's the idea. All wars are "de- Jesus: Why, ,Father, you have on Maternity, Hunger, Thirst, Sex. blue; Hermes: To hear is to obey. (He fensive" wars. all your old Jehovah 'things and the Maternity: See sex. For food this stuff has a very strange salutes gracefully and goes out.) Michael: Declare the universal draft. great sword, Hunger: See sex. hue! God: Immigration has fallen off bad- Gabriel: I am afrpid heaven won't God: Yes, and I have ordered a com- Thirst: See sex. Sex: stand for that. But there's one saving grace, one ly. The most desirable citizens are peace too long. J~sus has preached plete outfit for you. through (Editor's note: This rag goes the mails, J'ack.] , consolation: all going to Hell. Jesus: For me? Such things for me? This menu will never give heart pal- (Hermes, Michael, Gabriel, Israfe1, God: With us all things are possible. fill God: Certainly, to kill your enemies. Sir: You raise your voice when first frighten them, We must pitation. and Mars enter.) them with fear, then with hate. We are preparing for war, and you should reinforce your argument. All: Lord, we are here. when prepared we are going to have In what way, Omnipotence? The evening meal is over, the last God: Angels, archangels, and gentle- Gabriel: For example, headlines in the war if I have to make it myself. God: crumb is gone, men. I have sent for you that we Heavenly Herald: "Horrible Atroc- Jesus: But I have no enemies. Heard in the night: Why, dear, you never The doors once more open, and hungry may have a council of war-I mean ities of Satan," "Make the Cosmos God: Then you ought to have. your ,en· bed befoTs we were married! smoked in But I said, "Love Jesus: hordes march on! of preparedness. Safe for Jesus," "Satan Threatens emies!" (signed) Mars: Ha, of war. (Rubs his hands.) Your Halos," "Satan Disembowels God: Yes, that's what you said but J, 11-1. Starving, God: Nay, I distinctly said of pre- a Cherub," "Satan Rapes the Ten Liberty is the absence of impedi- Hungry Hill, Md. paredness. By myself, how in· no one believes you. Your own min- ment to motion ... Hobbes. credibly stupid that fellow is! Foolish Virgins," and so on. isters down on that pill say you Ask the man who owns one. (Bob Ingersoll, Tom Paine, Jeffer. Gabriel: But none of this will.be true. never meant it. Don't blame me. son, and Voltaire corne in.) God: True? Of course it won't. Look to your earthly disciples. The Pilgrims Prof/Tess. Princes of light, angels, and gen- Don't be a fool, Gabriel. You can't wolves in your clothing hound and How are you doing? a war-preparedness, ·!lI·dSJ:n·8'w.(0" tlemen. I intend to make the Uni- work up the truth. This is war, I persecute your few true followers, mean-on 'emU ."!lllai".::91nlk1~~.,f,.~u '''~~~~~lIS verse safe for Jesus. To do this I mean, preparedness-and we sim- the Christians. I say Christians, , w'd oe:s'J we must-"annihilate Satan, and for ply must lie-the more horrible the not Christians. I slay myself. 'dllllO'J 1"IIl"a~n 'u.r;~;~lIll~1il~~~II~::~l.I this we are not prepared. We must better. Jesus: My God, My God, why hast Thou forsaken me? '!lI'dOl'!- be prepared to resist his attack- Gabriel: But about the compulsory A maiden sweet, with graceful feet, '1IIlo UlO 'd~UOD~;~J'f.'l.":~".i'!!.~~~~,,:~...\ or even anticipate it. God: I have not forsaken you, my Was tripping the light fantastic, Mars: Good, prepare for war and draft? son. Your false prophets forsake When she suddenly tore through the 1. '~III10'lla!na~N 'an!i""NqnlD qOlla.J: you are sure to have it. . God Do as I tell you, Get them fear- you. Those patriot-shouting Jud· 'fi"loluaH struck and hate.crazy and they will ases. No, r retract that last state- dressing room door- Ingersoll: (Aside to Voltaire) Did Damn this postwar elastic! ;~m::;n~~lP~;tP"~~~~ 2"1i":ll~~~~;:oK you ever notice the skulls of these volunteer. Then, too, you can call ment, Judas does not deserve it. "Volunteering forcible draft the military men? They could slip Paine: By comparison he seems noble. '10 '<1 1: 'u:r'\D en lrfa·Bse." p.>.& "'1011'18: 'JJ:nq~..rll"O '[[.ql"lJ""a: ,"IJ]{) their collars over their heads with- Jesus: My sermon on the Mount is Have you heard the one about the '1II'd 9F!! '["OIPS ql!!H Jttl.' out unbuttoning them. God: Now you understand. true and they will find it so or load of peaches? .. but Marj I ·1I}11l,.a.M. '1Iot'dD lIr"~B ~iiH~.i'~~~~~"nlws perish. gotta print something. Tom Paine: Gorillas and such as Gabriel: But how about the teach· '111'<1 Ol·!. 'nLrn these pull the strings on which the ings of Jesus? God: They say it is against their 1!I0 '$nOD I,~-n ·1~!.·\I'iuJ~.~a~:~J~ . poor little marionettes dance to God: Pish, nobody pays any attention war. • '111'<1 death . to him. Tell the people Jesus is Jesus: It· is against all war. It is "Sex is here to stay" but everything I write O!!;9'~ ~;'nO'lI~:nl~~~,.:tli.l~~.~~l;::'k'l.1 Jefferson: Others pull the.strin&,s to all for blo~. Make proclamations (Continued O-t pa.g" 4, colum,n:4) baBket. about it ends in ..the trash