Page 41 - TheGoldBug1957-58

Evolution PAGE 2 :1;'-1/ Z286 V__ O_I._6_2_:_,_N_"O_"_l-l~ W_E_S_T_E_R_N_M_A_R_Y_L_A_N_D_C_JO,LLEG_E_:_"_W_E_S_T_M_I_N_S_TE_R_'c_M_D_" F_e_h_T_ua_T_:_y_6_:_,_1_9_:_8_:_5 Endowments For 50 Arguments Advanced WMC Country Club Announced In Manuscript ~ Western Maryland campus of 1985 Recovery of an old manuscript on a back shelf in one of the rooms not now possesses numerous new build- only recalls the controversy between the evolutionists and the special crea- ings and beautifully landscaped gar- tionists, but, once and for all, shows organic evolution to be completely im- dens to attract more students to its possible. famed halls of learning. The present With its threefold purpose, (1) companion to other texts on evolution, layout has been the result of an en- (2) antidote to books teaching evolution, infidelity and atheism, and (3) an dowment by a group of philan- aid to lovers of the truth, The E1.olution of Man Scientifically Disproved in thropists of the middle 1940's and is 50 Arguments ceremoniously begins its undaunted onslaught against the expected to attract an unprecedented heathen professors who teach this ungodly doctrine. number- of students. The new recreational building of Mathematics is the acid test for the first part of this significant docu- modern design is the chief feature of ment. By a means of circular reasoning, there is found a solution regarding the new campus, complete with bar, the races of mankind akin to that obtained when three is multiplied by three, roulette wheel, couches, backrocms and a number arbit.ra.rily called 9 is reached. If this !J is divided by three, and a swimming- pool in the rear. there is a most unusual result! The answer is none other than the three About this recreation hall centers started out with! This argument conclusively shows that MAN CERTAINLY the rest of the campus, the new li- DID NOT DESCEND FROM THE BRUTE. Scholars would tell us that cir- brary, the coeducational dormitories, cular reasoning does not seem to be overly valid-but look at the beautiful three large gymnasiums, three large results! football fields, an old Gothic admin- In addition to this overwhelming demonstration, Argument No.5 states istration building as a preserved that "the earliest records show that man was civilized. The assertion that memory of the unclean past, and the man was originally a brute, savage and uncivilized, is pure fiction, unsup- same old Science Hall in which to eat, ported by the facts. The original civilization of mankind ... upsets e~olu- and in which classes are occasionally Student Cq_,!ductors Will Direct tion," Modern heretics say that the man described in, the earliest records held. was not the man who first inhabited the face of the earth. Humbug! Alumni Hall still stands as another Argument No. 6 cites the Mendel- preserved tradition of the past and WMC SymphonY-At Assembly ian inheritance laws, which declare beside it remains Baker Chapel, more Insidious D~vices . that "the recessive character always recently renovated. Under the leadership of five stu- peasants of the lower Eavartan reappears. One would expect many A large neon sign will adorn the dent conductors in one of the least swamps. (" offspring to have the recessive char- recreation building advertising to aU ambitious debuts to be made this year, Prelude to the'Morning-After of a Are Subject Of acter of the ape." Of course, some in- students the presence of the bar. the Western Maryland Little Sym, Dachsh'1fnd, from~the Tout de suite of fidels insist that evolution does not Straight shots are sold at a maximum phony will present a concert in Alum- Franz Betzaegus.~'/ from Stirring Sermon claim that man has descended from of fifteen cents; mixed drinks go for ni Hall on Monday, March 2, at 4:15 Passive Resistance Movement the ape. In this, however, one smells a maximum of twenty-five cents and a. m. The following program will be the Symphony in Q Flat Minor by The need for religious and military a rat, a slogan designed to counteract cocktails sell.for thirty~nts and up. pres~t~:.........~ "_ ~,._ ~ " ~_ . .-<' preparedness wee sti~~-Wght..-~!lS?ki.!)nr-'!'~se_~flluti(\llls~ oru.1liOJ.if-over from the past is "'he Triumphal Stagger, by lama She "Was Only A Barber's Daugh- by Dr. Havefaithandfearme III in a stoop to any tevelt that women are restrained from Barfly. tel'. smoking on the campus, in the bar or The Butcher, the Baker, the Can- If you have no date for this affair sermon dealing with this age' of ours (TIME OUT FOR A SPECIAL anywhere else but in their rooms. dlestick Maker. please contact Available Schmaltz. in which there appears the insidious FLASH!) . Milk and soft drinks will be sold at Why, 0 Why Can't I?, art song by Necking will be allowed only in the devices of cigarettes and cocktail some future date when more facilities Johannes Antonius. Adapted by the glasses. The speaker declared the are installed to store them. At pres- anteroom. sum of these evil devices to be "in- who is Dean Announces. ent the demand for lighter beverages spiration from the devil," is negligible. Dr. Told Speaks about to launch his campaign against Dean S. B. Showfield, Jr., has just the walls of Heaven to regain his po- A roulette wheel is kept in constant announced that the veterans' units operation and is sponsored by the ad- sition. begun in 1945 were completed today, ministration with a student-paid ob- From Couch Dr. Havefaithandfearme admits February 6, 1985, and will be ready server to watch the game in case of freely that the ~roblem of whether or for occupancy tomorrow. any attempt to use illegal devices. Dr. Leffingwell Told, of Happy not the devil is desirous to become (Probably on page 4) Hollow University, will address an King of Heaven, or the more liberal This is regarded as excellent fu- assembly on Thursday, February 30. viewpoint, which holds that the devil ture planning by Miss Wobb, who Dr. Told, who has travelled extensive- merely desires to regain his former predicts our entrance by next year Trustees Announce ly among the aborigines of Brooklyn position, is disputable. He stated that into the world conflict now brewing. units was The completion of Revised Curriculum, and the Bronx, will speak about the he has had no divine revelation con- largely due to pressure the brought to habits and .customs of these strange cerning that problem except that the people. He will be introduced by his bear by grads of the oldest surviving Changed Standards brother, Dr. F. W. Told. heavenly forces are awaiting momen- class, that of '47, it was related by tarily the attack which may be pre- A drastic revision of the college Dr. Told will deliv.er his speech ceded by a barrage of atom bombs the Dean. curriculum and the remodeling of the from a couch,' since the aborigines against the golden gates. college campus was announced last are suffering under the worst food The Doctor -did state that accord- night by Dr. Lordguidesme after a shortage in years. Dr. Told has been ing to his calculations the attack will "The theory that all plants and an- meeting of the Board of Trustees, re- looking forward to a few solid meals. occur in about twenty years and will imals have descended from the pri- cently reformed in accordance' with Donations will be collected to enable be felt here upon earth. The nature mordial germ is staggering to the the disproval of evolution. Military our visitor to eat at Jenny's Kitchen of symptoms upon earth were not mind. Did the original germ split in training and religious preparedness along with the rest of the college stu- made known to him except that they two, one of them the beginning of are to become the two major fields on dents. will be felt by all people. plant life, the other the head of all the Hill. Dr. Told is prominent among the That evolution has been disproved animal Hfe? The missing links are It is to be noted that all of the sociologists of the. Northern European WMC Freshman Class came as a great inspiration for the necessary to the scheme. Is there one SUbjects previously allowed as majors countries. In 1936he became disgusted good doctor, who for the last sixty· chance in a million that evolution is will be dropped into the category of with the whole state of affairs, and Elects Average Man years has been preaching against ~r~:~e Nt;;.Pt;~~::~';d ~?1;:;:e~i:: minors in favor of the courses in Mil- left for the lower New York regions, such material research as would only itary Science and Religion, which will where he was hailed as the white god Yesterday afternoon the heshmen cause the ultimate destruction of the Speculation" also decisively shows be the only two majors. The study of from the Land Beyond the Statue of freld an election to determine the (Thel'e must be more-see page four) evolution untenable. To suppose that either of these two courses will be Liberty. By 1939 he had the inhabi- average WMC Freshman. Mr. I. M. one germ split in two to separate the purely voluntary. tants pass a law making cannib'alism Autostupi(lomoton cIon the wose kingdoms is absurd. No definite miss- No matter what the student chooses illegal, and by 1940 they stopped sac- election. He is pictured above (court- Black And White Plans ing links are in the museums. to major in he will be required to rificing big league umpires. esy of the WMC Camera Club). His Surprise For Dance" " . The vast mental powers of the minor in physical education, which Regular assembly schedule will be havorite fobbies are eating, drinking author come to the fore in Argument sleeping. and se- is rometimes It will consist of such required courses followed on Thursday, except that marked, even hy bis friends, that he Two Brahman missionaries quar- No. 24, and may be far beyond hu- as Ping Pong 101, Football 203, etc., the third period class will change tered on the campus have spoken: manity's meagre grasp. However, he Folk Dancing 301, and HOP SCOTCH places with the fourth period. Cuts at appears to be thoing dings automat- As the bees, my son, make honey calmly asserts that the day described This is the point on which 402. The trustees have decided that this assembly will positively, repeat, ically. "greater Western Maryland of by collecting the juices of distant in Genesis need not have been 24 this the physical development of the body positively not be permitted. Offenders 1985" works. In your fears of trees, and reduce the juice into one hours long. is of primary importance in the com- will be hung by the fingernails from intensive phental, mysical and ear- form; and as these juices have no Argument No. 25 is just a little ing world order. the Memorial Arch and lashed to acter chraining, the college hopes to discrimination, or that they might weak. It begins by saying that there Academic requirements are expect- death with wet spaghetti. have him sleeping as if he enjoyed it. say, .. I am the juice of this tree or is no evolution in the science of math- ed to sky-rocket with the installation Mr. Autostupidomoton fomes crom that," in the same manner, my son, ematics. Yet at the end it states that of the reforms because of the in- hours and one point will be required. one of the mearby netropolises hav- all these creatures when they have new subjects are added (in math) creased emphasis upon scholarly sub- If the student elects to continue his ing cuccessfully sompleted his pre- become merged in the True (either in "new formulas designed, new princi- jects. Completion of four hours with studies in football or folk dancing, vious schooling in Cadet training, deep sleep or in death), know not ples demonstrated-and the subject is at least two points will be required the required number of hours and gocational vuidance and Boy lead that they are merged in the True. by no means exhausted." Too, math as attainments for the first semester points will decrease by one apiece Scouter ship, He mOPtils to hajor in But I digress. The dance will be was at first probably a system of unless the Iltudent is taking football with the passing of eac,~ semester un- scilitary mience and physical educa- semi-formal, and the surprise will be numbers for practical purposes, but 203, or related courses, when only tw9 til graduation. tion while at Meste.rn Waryland. (Try aM JiM on page 4) (Co)l.tixueth. 8otll.fJw,lwre-page 4)