Page 10 - TheGoldBug1953-54

2 The Gold Bug, Oct. 27, 1953 VietJJd, dj.,,_. ?Iu. True Cornfession--- Third Grade Affairl ~ IIOVVOJ\.e at - Watch The Birdie dldJ ?op W61'e my kiss6s too hot 1M' h.im! li1- TEE"?" A S I I Worst Foot Forward, , . Except for my brother and two sis- girls don't go out with boys who have A.{(f/J j'f ? ters, I was an only child, and was, I bicycles." Pop snarled. Somebody's gonna get hurt guess, pretty spoiled. My parents Th~~"P"~~u" :~~~~~._ they were Still I loved my parents; one of these days. .... agreed with everything I did-that is, more like pals than overlords. Mom \.._~~~~-~~~ Nasal passages aren't the only con- until I wanted to date Poochie GIutts. was nineteen, Dad twenty, and they :::~:n~~S:~ie~~~A~~~~~an~~~ti: d: gested places on campus, of late. There Poochie was a new boy in school. had been married ten happy years. Let's give an orchid for a was simply take a picture of my dog, are two sore spots of packed humanity He was so good looking-but I never Even though Mother had ran off when change. the house, and a lady friend. There is here that ought to be cured. One is the met him until the day we collided she was my age, she definitely didn't Congratulations are in order a certain value in photogr-aphs that exodus from Alumni Hall after as- head-on as I was running, late, to condone a girl's eloping before she to President Lowell S. Ensor for cannot be found in anything else. the fine spirit of cooperation he Manypeopletake snapshots,and with semblies and Chapel; the other is the arithmetic class. I happened to be was ten. The family chatted about sex displayed with his participation no trouble at all. _entrance to the dining hall. carrying an icepick at the time and at the supper table. Everyone gripes about the food, for it split Poochie's skull open. He was in a recent pep rally. Hats off to First, I rummagedthroughsomeold want of anything else to gripe about. very good natured and picked up my Enter Hot Rod this small but significant gesture hatboxes, shoes, and other items of What we want to know is, if the stuff books and apologized for knocking Beep! Beep! Beep! I ran to the of Dr, Ensor in fostering bet- singular unimportance in the closet. is so bad, why the ridiculous, juvenile them out of my hands. He didn't seem window; there was Poochie on a ter student-administrative un- In an old cotton sock I found it. I pushing-shoving_mil1ing tactics to get to notice his lacerated head at all cream colored bicycle. I grabbed my derstanding. must say it looked harmless enough. Here is a matter to cogitate on in to eat it? until the blood began to fall in great coat and raced out, pretending not Just a rectangular black metal and Things are particularly bad at gobs down his shirt front and form a to notice the displeasure in my folks' between naps. plastic instrument it was. I carefully the north end, where there are large pool at his feet. . eyes. No one can fail to realize the dusted it and proceeded to the out- fewer women students, but the He giggled. "My name is Pocchie "Hi, baby," Poochie said, gunning increasingly hazardous parking doors. The sun surely had seen me other end is dangerous, too. G!utts. I lead gii'ls astray." the bicycle away from \the curb. conditions that have been rna- coming. Six clouds changed their We're afraid that some day a I just stood and gaped at him, feel- "Sorry I didn't come ill but I don't terializing on the Hill as the northeasterly direction and converged semester passes. We've been ex- small child, or a middle-aged pro- ing as if there were electricity spark. want to meet your rotten parents." tremely lucky so far in keeping into a heavy grey mass extending from fessoress, or a visiting parent, or ing between us. Was it AC or DC, "I understand, Poochie." one comer of the solar plexus to the . (on Sundays) a burly halfback is reader? I do not know; I cannot even "Good," he smiled, with a piercing the local ambulances and junk other. r swear that there was sun- going to trip and be trampled say exactly how many watts it was. degree of self-satisfaction. "Because dealers idle; but our luck may be shine four blocks away, but it would underfoot. Fast Worker I've got a plan worked out for us to running out. have been useless to go there. All that shoving and pushing and Poochie quickly removed a cloth get married the day after tomorrow." Nevertheless, I joined my lady- "DUring recess," he replied. "We'll Ken Sey Reports squeezing to get through the doorway tape from his pocket and took my "Oh, darling! How?" friend and the dog and explained to ought to stop. There's no excuse for bust, waist, hip, and instep measure- them the scientific intricacies of this it. We're supposed to be grown-up ments. "I love you," he said when he slip away, take ten minutes for the mechanical wonder. After my explana- lab." On Jackrahhits college men and women, but, by golly, was finished. "Marry me!" ceremony, and then have a fifty min- tion, I think the dog knew more about sometimes we don't act that way. Reader, how was I to know that this ute honeymoon in the spelling it than my lady-friend. The present manner of leaving was not real love? He sounded so Entrail Ecstasy Here follows an indicative report, Alumni Hall is ugly, too. sincere. Oh, what an ecstasy of joy I carefully selected from thousands in Proceeding Cautiously Traditionally, as well as logically, "Not yet, Poochie," I replied, while wallowed in at that moment! Our my file, which, I feel, best illustrates AU I had to do was push the but- seniors should file out first, then jun- he carciully measured the distance own bridal suite-the spelling lab! the typical sexual habits of the Mod- ton and the box would unfold. That iors, then sophomores, and last, fresh, from my left ear to my right hip. Perhaps I lost my head then. I reck- ern American Jack Rabbit. Occasion- worked very nicely. men. The manner of seating has al- "We hardly know each other. lessly let Poochie hold my hand again al remarks have been inserted by the The film came wrapped in a yellow- ways made this system perfectly rees- How about the day after tomorrow?" and again-tighter and tighter. And author in order that the empassioned colored box. It was sturdy, that box. able, but recently it hasn't panned He nodded and we slipped tnto finally, just before taking me home, layman may better understand the Save the box. That's what was printed. out--thanks to us. arithmetic class together. DUring re- he kissed my cheek passionately. It progression of this extensive test. on the outside of it. Very well, I shall Freshmen insist on bucking in cess, we decided to get a scotch and wasn't the first time I'd been kissed (Signed) , follow all the rules in this game. But front of sophomores, who edge in soda sundae at the corner drug store but it was the first time I'd been KEN SEY. this blasted box refuses to be opened. among juniors, who already where the fourth grade crowd usual- kissed like that! Rockets exploded It hates me. I'll try my penknife. shove through throngs of sen- ly gathered. In a short. time, Poochie somewhere in my chest, firecrackers Proble-lIt: The rabbit' mating season I'll stab it a few times. Die! box of a iors, with the result that confus- and I were fairly well acquainted. popped in my intestines, and Roman (open field in this pursuit being fool ... (you will excuse me for going ion reigns supreme and nobody Poor kid, his father and mother had candles kicked my liver around scheduled from October 1, 1952-0cto- into the present tense, but I get so gets out of Chapel any faster. each been divorced and remarried six I could even smell sulphur burning. ber 1, 1953) was nearing an end-; unnerved.) I opened the back of the camera, Jusf the opposite: it takes 15 times. Currently he was boarding WOW!!! What an odor! I pushed and, as' yet, Jacques had not (inde- proceeded to put in the film, and I pendent variable) _.In consequence of minujea to empty the place, with the third husband of his second Poochie roughly from me. "You Jacques' lack of initiative, refer-en- was ready to take the snapshots. I whereas the orderly, traditional mother. Poochie was twenty-eight stink," I said. dum, recall, or just plain oompf, his looked through the little glass and my system takes only five. years old to my nine, and we were "Audrey, please. I can't help it; grandfather had spit (conditioned eye gazed upon a resplendent view of Such congestion is uncalled for, both in the third grade. You may well it's your kisses. They set me on fire!" reflex) one last spat of pulverized the sun. About five minutes later, af- while the old sensible method is so wonder, how then, with this age dif- I glanced down. He was right--he clover, and disinherited him; his ter recovery from my temporary simple: juniors, WAIT until the sen- ference, could we both be in the same was on fire! The whole front of mother, after having boiled, broiled, blindness, I ventured another look iva get out, (all of 'ern), sophomores, grade? Poochte's shirt was a crackling baked, fried, and in-the-roughed let- into the glass. The sun was again WAIT until the juniors (all of 'em) The answer is simple: I failed once. orange mass. "Goodbye, Mr. Glutts," tuce in an eleven-month attempt to hiding behind a cloud, but I received get out, freshmen, WAIT until the Talent Plus Dough 1 said coldly, nudging his kickstand. uncork some bit of his stagnant pas- a beautiful ezpoBe of my lady friend, sophomores get out (all of 'em). Now, Besides being handsome and intelli- "And you can ferget about our mar- sion (recessive trait), had collapsed standing on her head. Hah, r thought, that's fairly easy to understand, isn't gent, Poochie had wads of money and riage." in a cole slaw; and, his father, pro- must have turned the camera upside it? Let's give it a try. could use his Dad's bicycle any time "\Vhy?" his face was contorted lific though he was, had decided to down. Ir you still don't catch on, drop by he wanted. Yet I loved him not for tragically. pass up his strategic visit to this por- Crazy Ride the GOLD BUG office and a battered wh'at he possessed, but for what he "If that's what my kisses do to tion of his harem. To take the picture was my im- senior 'II draw you a diagram. was. By the way, what was he? • fellows, I'm going to capitalize on The International Order for the mediate care, and to get it over. I when five o'clock came, I was so it." I gave his bicycle a little shove, Preservation of Rabbits, fearful of lunged for the little button. r pushed 31 Days Hath October happy I floated home. Mom came to and he peddled sadly away, tossing the infectious spread of such a loss of it down with all my strength. It was sparks here and there. the door. "Why, Audrey," she cried. interest in the scholastic mulripliea- over! In spite of occasional showers, "You're floating!" Mom and Dad were both in' bed. 1 tien tables, wisely called me in to October's proved itself once "Yes, ,Mother!" I agreed, throwing tiptoed upstairs anti began to figure. arrest the situation. But wait. I'm not finished. I had again to be the nicest month of my fingers around her throat in girl- If I went out three times a week, I seven exposures lcit and the dog and the year. ish enthusiasm. "I've got a date to- could purchase cheap fire exting'uiah, Psych Squad the house and ... that r just couldn't go through again. with I rushed Fooey on hot, drab summer, and night!" er-a at five dollars and reeell them to Procedure, At this point, the cul- back into the house and got my coat. cold, white winter, and rainy old She crumpled limply to the floor. each date at ten. That's fifteen· dol- prit of the cabbage patch was reclin; I grabbed my lady-friend by the arm spring. We'll take comfortably-warm, "Well, now, that's nice, but, after all, lars per week profit. Not bad for a ing beside a freshly-emptied barrel of and we drove to the drug store, then multi-hued October. There's no deny- -you're nine years old. You've gone on little girl my age, is it? saltpetre (dependent variable). His rushed up to the film counter. ing it's a pretty month-those trees lots of dates before this, haven't eyes blinked lazily as he lolled "Develop these," I said. all red and gold out on the goli you?" she laughed. (kinesthetic impression) in the heat "TMJse'!" the clerk queried, "There's "But Poochie is different. He leads Aloha Threat ... course, a kind of smoky haze over of the television cameras (used in only one exposure." -toward the Blue Ridge early in the girls astray." I cried, and told the order that the patient would be un- morning, and the crackle of leaves folks all about him. But Mom and J. Hutchison, editor, says that, aware of my coy field-study). "Yes, and it's the last one, too," I underfoot in front of Old Main. Dad were old and conventional and and if these proofs are not called for, Realizing the necessity of a quick blurted. "Be carciul to develop it with It makes for a doggone nice month. objected to Poochie's bicycle. "Nice examined and turned in along with analysis, I craftily plunged into the all your heart and soul and send it to There are things going on, too. the pertinent information to be in- questions, beginning most pointedly me as sooli as it's done. I'll pay any- thing." Football and pledging and Home- a ql1q tu, q. 1/., q. cluded in the accompanying write_ with (illustrating informal conference technique): coming and roomo.Cleaning and ups, heads will roll at Lloyd's of Lon- I must add that I received a pen- party or two now and then. • don." "Jacques, do you truthfully feel ciled note bearing the druggist's name Ever notice those squirrels that your mother likes to use Old on the top. I tore it into little pieces around McDaniel and Carpe Dutch Cleanser in her sinks?" (This and had a good cry. I didn't have to Diem? They're right smart; was to detennine immediately the ex- read the note. I knew. they're storing away acorns and istence of any latent xualities). Drano." "No, she prefers things now, while they have a chance, so they can use them Hare·Razing later on. The remark ricocheted, singed the You know, we could take a broccoli on the front porch, blew out I tip from those October squir- the mazda maze, and had us per· manently censored from broadcasting. ~~~~'y~~m~a:gu~~~;~c:o t~y:t:~ Yet, against the Impossible, we con- use it later in life. Are we all tinued (scientific method, step four, taking advantage of this chance? second half: quote-Damn the torpe- Random thoughts on a beautiful does! Full speed ahead!-unquote). October day. There was something superficial in this-honest though he seemed (taint- ed biographical method). One question EDITORIAL STAFF followed another over the barbed wire Editor-in_Chlef._._ ....._._Charl ... Wh""tley, '04 '55 Gus LaMar, Aa..,..iale Editor_. __ ~._. __ fence, I unearthing, in the course of Managing Editor .._._._._ Caskey, '54 WIN TWO TICKETS TO t~h:!~ ::~:r~::·~:·~_.__._ i~~~lle:~~::ae~:r b::!e:~l~:;d Collins. i:.!;I:. gage in extra-Iegumbrial activities CARROLL THEATRE SpOrts Editors ._ :~ with carrots, nor had his father ever News_Feature Editor taken time out to buy him the new, Copy Edltor. __ .. ._ WATCH NEXT ISSUE radically revised version of What Photography _. ._. Br'er Rabbit Did Beh.ind the Bri.6r BUSINESS STAFF FOR SPORTS QUIZ Patch. The four-footed patient on BusineM Manager Paul Larnbertaon. '5~ ldBl1!haU, '55 AdvertiBina- Man&ger~_._Jim my reclining couch had adequately Eltchange ._._. Craig S