Page 6 - TheGoldBug1953-54

VIIoodburner Fix Doused By Fate Woodburner, class termitu8 eeccado, We'll-Find-It" Placement Bureau. A braked his ill-trained crunching and recent amendment to the Tennite wearily rolled over between two half- Land's Constitution had stated, in a chewed splinters. The week was be- footnote in the appendix of the ginning absolutely against the grain; bibliography of the thirtieth volume, and, besides, it was getting late-- that, when the books upstairs were time to hit the sawdust and bore tallied, all souls would be expected to through dreams of appetizers com- have completed those other two tooth- posed of old, deserted, ROTC class- pick piles in question-8Qmewher6 room chairs. along the way. Then, too, if he went Somnus cameth not. Our Peneerosc back to the confines to finish this task even tried another shaving for a pil- within the next two years, he'd be low-still he COUldn't get his knotted paid for his effort. Said pay con- mind off the day's question. You see, sisted of such fabulous enticements as Woodburner was just finishing his free meals of Scorched Timberger on second term in the Veneer School of Oak and, to eclipse all, after a musty Warped Two-by-Foura c-c and he'd winter of gulping down the third of soon be •proudly wearing the two the four piles, he'd be taken on an scars which acclaimed him as having all-expense-paid trip to a summer re- Read 'Modern' successfully sunk his cuspids and di- tre-a.t where he could really discover into the two piles of himself. gestive lengths green toothpicks that the institute set Now It Wu Over Grim Fairy Tales DR. JOSEPH HENDREN as its undergraduate standard. had a that. The final enawer must "yes," be exactly as of today, But, he had If he mumbied it had Children born after 1944 have been Striding vigorously through the dark upper corridors of Science Hall, 'puzzling decision to maker Whether better be a firm, unswaying affirma- to way-lay this final branding of the saturated with a wide variety of mod- books in hand, a twinkle in his eye, and dressed in gray tweeds, Dr. Joseph two stripes until two more years had tive because if, for instance, next ern literature concerned mostly with Hendren, Professor of English, is about to begin another-Iecture. passed (by continuing in this inspi- year, when the time to begin this ruminating space travel, ax murders, and spy Perhaps he will inject 'into it tales of the great Southwest, of Texas, or rational, challenging Class of the advanced union replaced arrived, the dentists' aU ehloro- trials. What's to become of our be- Rice Institute. It may be that his class will be carried away to ancient London, Complete Elimination of Four Piles phyllic toothpicks with those of stain- loved fairy tales and nursery rimes, gay Paris, or again to the warm' waters of the Carribean Sea. He may tell of Green Toothpicks) or to choose to less steel-the "yes" still held. carefully and meticulously constructed of Switzerland, or of bonny Scotland, take the Two Piles' Certificate now, That afternoon, in a heat of final- many years ago so as to absolutely where he tramped as a vouth-cearn- say "Amen" to the affair, and thereby ity, Woodburner had inked in an confuse the juvenile mind? Even now, ing his passage through labor as a be enabled to perfect the high calling unswaying-, admirable "Qui" _ his many youths under 19 no longer be- seaman. Dr. Hendren has touched all ill which he was most interested- own. That's why he couldn't sleep. lieve in Santa Claus, the Easter Bun- of these lan~ and brought back to his that of getting a steady job in a ny, or Johann Sebastian Bach. This classroom a spir-it" of high adventure tycoon's cane. Every time he closed his eyes he movement of decay. literary immor- and flashing color. kept seeing two little markers--one an ornate tombwood, the other an in- ality, and licentiousness must be ar- Sportsman Pressure-Cooked sulting, gray tombstone - but both rested, that is, stopped. , With football and tennis heading To the average slave in the laby- with 'his name on them. The latter's Since newspapers are much to his list of favorite sports, sailing rinths of Jackie Robinson's bat, this lettering stood out clearly: blame for this condition, I deem it amongst the icy waters of northern Friend. Not Enemies ... condition would seem to be "only so Before fair that the members of journalistic Maine runs a close third. In face, he much pulp." But, Woodburner had The Honorable Mr. Izaak Wood- circles preserve the beauty of the has often brought similes of out-door Long before Halloween materials to weigh. His bent in- burner (1930-2021) nursery rimes by rewriting them so life and the study of English to the strange creatures will be seen structors, while cancelling all future Here Rests .One Who Lived in a our modern minded children will com- attention of his students. "Taking a on the Hill. That is, stranger tests, and showing slides of the beau- Tycoon's Cane, prehend them. Path-paver that I am, test is like starting off on a hunting than usual. tiful green land of "Only Two More Amassed Three Billion Barrels of I shall proceed to "do up" newspaper trip. If your gun isn't loaded, nothing For with the advent of sorority Piles" had assured him that they Sawdust in a Lifetime, articles on "Humpty-Dumpty" and happens .. )' initiations a weird collection of germs, were totally unbiased toward the But Failed to Complete Two Piles "Ba, Ba, Black Sheep." Somehow in Dr. Hendren is today. a world au- calves, skunks, and worms will pass whole affair. "Whether you choose to of Toothpicks at P.S. 301-402. the course of my operations a bit of thority on folklore and ballads and through the rigors of pledging their continue ·in our course is purely and He had to squint behind his sordidness crept into the fables that wilLpuhlish, within a few weeks, an respective clubs by whom these "hon- freely up to you" (they said smil- crouched cilia to read the heroic, bare was not there before. Good. Tbis is article in the "Texas Folklore Society oray salutations". were so graciously ingly-as they showered him with words on the former's surface: what kids demand today. Publication"----dealing with his knowl- conferred. choice bits of honey-dipped mahog- After any, offered him two months with pay, edge of the experiences of "Barbara Not long after, the resounding thud Grim Fa.iry _Ta.le No.1 Allen." of wood contacting the posterior por- and pointed M-1lf.," drills at him). Lieut. I. Woodeburnere (1930-1956) RUSSIAN SPY IN SERIOUS Balladeer tions of the male anatomy will once As the self-debate progressed, the After Completing Four Piles of CONDITION AFTER ARREST More-than once, he has delighted again.signify that the fraternities also job offer in the cane seemed less se- Toothpicks, _ , his classes by breaking into song. are adding prospeCtive brothers. cure to Woodburner, even though he'd New 'York (PU) Sept. 22-The been guaranteed said position by the He was the First to go Over the Hill wealthy realtor affectionately called Accompanied - by his guitar and Each of' these'C events should be "If -There's - a - k.not- Hole-for-You,- to Meet Life- "Humpty" by his friends, J. Hump- dressed in rougl1 western togs, he is a looked upon by ali as a time of en- And the First to be Carried Back. square rosser Dumpty, is actually the notor- favorite at our collegiate Canal," joyment whether on the administering Of course, it could have been that dances. Singing of the "Erie ious Russian secret agent, Nicolai "Wreck of the 01' 97," and "Casey or the "receiving" end, or merely as Girl Flees Terror restaurant's coffee - soaked drain- Malkov local police and FBI men Jones," his voice carries a trace of a sS~:et;;~es hiwever, the sig- board he'd gulped at supper; or, may- announced today. the desert and lofty mountains from nificance of sororal and fraternal Of Dawn Ambush be Woodburner was just too tired to Dumpty had been observing the which these epics have sprung. A membership is lost. completely sleep. You know, you get that way government-banned maneuvers of the master at imitating picturesque char- and replaced. instead by a reac- sometimes. 102nd Army Division yesterday at acters, Dr. Hendren's renditions of. tion diametrically opposed to the The wind howled across the West- Fort Johnson. He had climbed a high Spanish noblemen, Chicago Thugs, original purpose. ern Maryland campus; rain pelted Editor's Job wall nearby and was taking notations The specified purpose of all of down; it was dark and stormy, and of the scene. these organizations under discus- the campus was quiet. Getting out a paper is no picnic. Across the walk under the arch, the The police, who had discovered sion, is to foster a closer fellow- solitary figure of a girl could be seen If we print jokes, people say we are Dumpty's true identity only several ship between their members and carrying a package. She looked behind silly. . hours before, arrived just in time to the college community as a her, and seeing nothing, proceeded on If we don't they say we are too see the realtor recoil sharply from a whole. , her way. When she was almost at serious. sudden howitzer blast and accidental- Too often rejected bids create hard Blanche Ward Dorm, she looked at If we clip things from other publi- ly fall thirty feet to the concrete be- feelings that result in an alteration her watch. It was 6 :50-which meant cations, we are too lazy to write them low. First aid was applied while of friendship of fantastically distorted that she was late. Was it worth it to ourselves. awaiting qualified medical personnel; dimensions. Old friends sometimes be- take the chance of being seen? She If we don't print every word of all no amount of effort, however, could come new enemies simply on this decided to enter the dorm by the back contributions, we don't appreciate put the spy's two broken legs and basis. door. Pulling her coat more tightly genius. cracked collarbone back together around her she rushed up to the door. If we do print them, the columns again. Let's face racts! A pledge can ac- It was locked. There was no reason are filled with junk. cept only one bid. His or her accep- If we make a change in the other Grim. Fa.iry TaJ,e No. e tance should be the result of a careful for it to be locked at this hour, but fellow's write-up we are too critical. evaluation of the aspects of each dub it was, which meant she would have TEEN AGE NARCOTICS to risk going through another en- If we don't we are blamed for poor as well as the contributions the initi- PEDDLER QUESTIONED ate is capable of making to the or- trance. editing. Now, like as not, some guy will say Baltimore (Extra special) Sept. 22- ganization of his or her choice. Again she noted the time-c-a: 55. we swiped this from some other sheet. Aiter two days of steady "grilling" This choice should not be the She had to chance going through the WE DID. John R. McSheep of 2614 Preston result of a last minute bit of in- main lobby. The rain began to come -Reprintlld from Til. Oabind Street revealed his connection with tensified "rushing." down faster, and the wind whipped an international opium smuggling her coat around the package' as she ring. McSheep, 18, is known to the So, tonight, and in the weeks to ran to the main door. and "Chaucerian" folk have become underworld as the "black sheep." priceless to all who have been fortu- follow give the pledges a break. The When she reached the main door, THE GOLD BUG mere fact that he or she did not join For 36 hours Black Sheep refused nate enough to hear them. He is fond your fraternity or sorority doesn't she stopped and slowly opened it a to answer any pertinent questions and of all types of music, classical as well justify the assumption that you are crack. There was a group of Sopho- continually said "bah! bah!" in arro- as his "speciality." The theatre and mores coming out! Back into the gant response to Police Chid Dawson. poetry are often intermingled not still the friends you were of pre- shadows she crept. Special investigators, however, dis- amongst his lectures, and his knowl- bidding days. \ Laughing and talking among them- covered that MeSheep's father was edge of theology and philosophy is by Sorority and fraternity life shou1d selves, the group left the dorm. Their Member proprietor of a wool packing house. no means a small one. continue and enlarge friendships and eyes seemed to bore into the tree Associated Collegiate Prell In the teenager's room were found At one period in his life, Dr. Hend- not create animosities. where a figure stood huddled against several bags of wool with supplies of ren was an instructor of English at the background, but seeing nothing, SUMcription Price $2.00 a Year opium concealed in each. McSheep ad- a small private school in New Hamp- Rat Rules ... they proceeded on their way. STAFF mitted that at least three bags of this shire. While others shivered by the As their laughter died in the dis- Editor-in·Chlef_._ EDITORIAL ..__.Charl ... Wheatley, '54 wool were his. Congratulations to the fresh- tance, once again the figure emerged AOIIOCfate Edltor ..__ CUII LaMar. '55 fireside, he would often gather togeth- and surveyed the landscape. Slowly M&naJing Editor __ . Naney C... ke.v. '51 Apparently McSheep had been sell- er his skis and poles and star~ for a men and sophomores for the fine she opened the door. There was no one News Ed!tol1l_ .._._. __ ~Pat Comna. '56 Colem"n, ing opium to his father, for when brief run or two down the nearest manner in which they have car- in the lobby. Clutching her package, Feature Editors .._ _ Carol GeorJl"e Gipe, '5G '65 asked whom the drugs in the wool slope. ried on the "rat rules program." she ran through the lobby and up the S""r18 Editors _ ..._._ ....Charl ... F"""enden. '56 '55 Bill Tribby, bags were intended for, he replied, In search of a college with religious Many persons have expressed stairs to her room on the third floor. Bud Holland. '56 "One's for my master, one's for my affiliations, he decided upon Western the opinion that this year's pro- Once there she gave the package to Newa·Feature Editor._._Mary Lee Yaunger. '55 '54 __ ._Streteh Haalip. Editor_._. Copy dame, and one's for the little boy that Maryland and has been with her, now, gram has been a greatly vital- her roommate, and falling on the bed, Photograpby _..__ .Ml1I. Henrietta Eeaom lives down the lane." Myrtle Blatz, 17, since ]947. At present, he is head of ized one over those of past years. said with a groan, "I got some juice, BUSINESS STAFF was identified as Black Sheep's the Faculty Committee on Absences. It augurs well for the future suc- crackers, cookies, cheese, and buns so BU!lineu Manager __ ._Paul ..._ Jim Lambertson. '5~ '1i5 M"nlh"n. Advertiainll" ManBJl"er__ "dame," but police were baffled as to His wisdom and great good humor cess of the school activities program we won't have to go to breakfast to- Exchanll'e Cralli' Schmall, 'M who the "little boy down the lane" are the hallmarks of one Who has to see that its underclassmen are such morrow; but I almost got caught CONTRIBUTORS could be--possibly a grammar school travelled the globe and returned to a spirited lot. without having my freshman beanie Marilyn Goldring, Ann Mackert, Katherine Ken Ruehl, addict. help others that they too might "see." Keep it up! and rat rules." Mehl, Ted Los;n, Harrington. Pat Raga Baum, L"" Be" Marc Werner. Heye ..... Fran Chirichillo. RIchter. Reiber. Joy""