Page 42 - TheGoldBug1952-53

2 The Gold Bug, March 24, 1953 Plate-Carrying A qllq tu, o. II. a. Mad Scientist Hits New Suppositions Peril, Says Girl I need no introduction. Below, I that all things fall Mwn instead of plainly blast some of the incorrect up because of the attraction of the I dragged my boned up the creaking scientific and historical dogma with earth is strictly passe in my book. In staircase to my room and gave myself my up-to-date rational comments. the first place, Isaac was sore because up to the rolling hills of my bed. My Reader, you'll be pleased with my cool that apple had conked him. (There is feet felt like they were mangled and insight into the world's mysteries ... no second place.) My plausible theory my knees were too swollen to get my Did Columbus discover America or did is that an object may fall either 1~p skirt off. Tears and sweat ran in riv- America discover Columbus? or down, whichever way it chooses. ulets down my grimy face. And my This is something that has been However, people almost always choose hands-my lovely pondslily hands- bothering the historians "for years. to fall down simply because they will evermore resemble bright red But I have conclusive evidence in the wouldn't know where else to go. Af- sandpaper. Psychologically I am ex- form of two living testimonies from ter all, it certainly doesn't look like hausted, knowing that I have to spend a couple of Indians who were around there's anything to fall up to. Chil- all my spare time bolstering my cour- at the time of Columbus' landing; dren have been taught since early age and regaining my s!rengt~ for the they state positively that America youth to fall Mwn---that it is impolite next ordeal of fire and brimstone. saw Columbus first. And, after all, if to tloat off in the opposite direction. What ordeal? Why, working in the America didn't discover old Chris, ff_ you. are honestly interested, a.nd dining hall, of course; what else who did? would like to test my theory, try this : could be so gruesome? Newton's law of gravity_right or next time you have a fall, pack a wrong? nice big lunch, take along a few mag- Perils of Waitress Isaac Newton's accepted theory azines, concentrate quite hard, and The day begins by punching in not soon you'll find yourself falling up. - a minute before the appointed hour It's easy if you just put your mind to on penalty of becoming "mountains Wake To Sound it. of sorrow". Then I force myself into Is the atom bomb true?, a white straight jacket which re- Of Soft Insanity The government has tried to pre- stricts movement to a minimum, bolt vent me from divulging my ideas on my food in a dark, stamp-size room, this subject-and rightly so. There is hits the spot." I'd like "Burpo-cola and with indigestion doubling me in Read Confusing Opera Synopsis to hit the spot-the spot right be- no atom bomb. Absolutely none. Af- two, I am forced upstairs to prepare tween the eyes of whoever invented After all, we've merely seen news- for "it". I slave on the job for a QUO QUIDUS? of the scandal, grasps Flavio firmly radio commercials. reels and photos, and I require more minimum salary which barely covers (Whose gum is this) by the windpipe and kisses him Just imagine a beautiful morning: evidence than that. Answer this- cleaning bills and surgeons' fees. The A grand opera in two acts and gratefully on the tip of the nose. the sun bright, the birds twittering. I have you yourself ever been killed in only encouragement I get comes from ACT II-A place wake up feeling great. I take a big, an atom bomb blast? Can you intro- the "help" and the supervisor of the Cast - Alone at last, Giovanna gloats over deep breath, throw back the covers, duce me to someone who has? The dining hall. She is sympathetic and ___ .__ .Tenor her magic set of shoestrings, which and leap out of bed. Then I think, answer to both questions is unequi- patient with our likes and dislikes, "Why not a bit of music to really pep vocally "no". 'Veil, what are we see- but can do little to help because she ~~~ ;~~eeno~bl;i~:;h{: ~;~~ea a:;:~~~::e: ing, you may justly inquire. And I has nothing at all to do with the, seat- AI'IOsoldiers. barber pol"", and 7~Onr~:~fent flight of stairs. At that moment, Fla- me up; really give the old heart a respond confidently with theory. my ing arrangements. The faulty count underwear ""Ie-men via enters, his hands covered with lift1" Do you recall how in pictures the arises from people being too lazy to QIW QUidUB depicts in music the peanut butter. Giovannn, with a sud- I snap on the radio, expecting to a-bomb blast "resembles a huge mush- raise their hands or preferring to eat perennial struggle between Babylon- den burst of insight, remembers that heal' a happy little tune. But what room? IT IS a giant mushroom, and smacks me right in the face? "Is your elsewhere for lunch but not for sup- ian chivalry and Egyptian appetite, her father was strangled with pea- tongue black? Are' your teeth con- the government is keeping it quiet. per.. . But to ccntipue-c.at last the which to this day has not been set- nut-buttery hands and leaps at the stantly falling out on your chest? Do After ali, littlfJ mushrooms are bad hour of doom is here. A bell rings, tIed. bell-ringer with a knife. She also your stomach and kidneys persist·.in enough,' doors burst open, and into the dining PLACE: The ancient kingdom of brings along some bread, and the two kicking your liver back and forth hall charge the six hundred, breaking Babylon of then} sit eating peanut butter sand- like a football? They do? Boy, are you You know, it still looks tlat to me. windows and chandeliers, moaning, TIME: The present wiches for hours. This deal about a round earth has shoving, the chairs fall apart, but ACT I-A field in the temple ACT III-Africa a mess! You should try Professor been getting on my nerves for years. stilI are "saved" .... Six barbarians of Babylon Believing the old fortune teller to Pliffenblooper's Pink Pills for Pale Everybody knows that the world is save six hundred chairs, but the rest The Egyptians have been defeated be of Scottish descent, Flavia finds People." By then, I feel like a boiled flat, and even if it isn't, I think we clamor and shout and beat the six due to Flavio's cowardice and he is himself torn between two loves. Con- dishrag. " ought to correct it. It seems that we down. Food is grabbed and devoured feted joyously. Amidst the gaiety, ternplating suicide, he stabs Essito for Game Broken Up could de-bulge our planet by all get- by the first at the table. The noise Glovanna creeps away, undetected, practice. Sattuzzio, Esaitu's be- I like sports; I'm crazy about base- ting together and jumping up and heightens to a deafening pitch as a from the crowd as she remembers her trothed, embraces Flavio warmly but ball. Now, the other night I had the down at the same time. Roundists well meaning gentleman tries to be father's dying words. At the door, neglects to tell him that the inn-keeper Dodger-Yankee game on. It's the last advance the theory that the fact that heard. But dishes and glasses break, Martino enters with a fanfare. He knows all. Enraged, Sponte poisons of the ninth, the score is 3-2-Bums you see a ship's sails last as it floats soggy napkins fly through the air, hands it to Flavio. In order to con- the hero, who, ill turn, kicks Essito behind, Robinson up. There's two out, away from the shore proves that the soup lands in people's hair, and plates fuse Guisseppi, the duke, with a once more for good measure. Smizza one on, and in comes the pitch. I hear earth is spherical. Nonsense, I say; become flying saucers as I look on in wink, places the sacred 'spaghetti in throws pebbles on the prostrate body the crowd burst into a frenzieil roar. the ship is merely sinking. sorrow. I shake in my shoes when 'Giovanna's hands. Sponto, unaware of Silverman. I even get so excited I spill my beer Dr. Erwen Bladderwort, a noted harsh voices order me to get this, all over the wife's new table cloth. something-or-other, has the following that, and--oh, I'd rather be dead. I Then what do I heal': "Are your to say concerning the obvious sani- stagger around loaded down with lead whiskers tougher than a wild-eat's tary advantages of a flat earth: trays, attempting to count who will mother-i n-Iaw'i Then try Old Soothie, "A flat earth is easier to clean. be here next meal, but paws shoot up the shaving cream made exclusively You just sweep everything over and down and it's never quite clear. DR. REUBEN S. HOLTHAUS from genuine pigs' feet and carbolic the sides. With a round earth acid." I tell you, it's enough to make a you can't do this; you'd just More Red Tape Whether you are a philosophy ma- Dr. Holthaus's face breaks into a man turn to quiz shows. sweep until you were right back jor, are struggling through philoso- I sob my report to the assistant to smile as he tells of his house in the 'I'hat's not the whole sad story, where you started from." by him, the assistant to the assistant to the phy 211, have been married a friendly country which will be ready to move either. The big-deal advertising out- My evolution revolution. 01' have just exchanged assistant head waiter. His harassed smile in passing, you need no intro- into come June. It bears the delight- fits have even bigger ideas. They're Why couldn't Darwin have kept his face drops another few feet and away duction to Dr. Holthaus. ful namc of "S~berry Hill", and going to try putting commercials in big nose out of evolutionary affairs? he creeps to sweep up the debris of telephones and juke boxes. Just think Just because he went to a few wild his predecessor. Finally, Hiroshima A mid-westerner, he hails from how it'll be when you pick up the parties and made a monkey out of subsides, and each animal leaves but- Iowa, where he completed his under- phone to call Max's to place one on himself is no reason to try to get even ter 011 the floor to make eurq I slip. graduate work at Morningside Col- the last at Pimlico: "Mother Mac- with the whole world. Maybe he de- I pick up the dishes, scrub the floor, lege. From there he became a tem- Jnterff's c~rn plasters are the best. aceqded from an ape but I didn't. polish tables, rehang chandeliers, porary New Englander while he got They come in four different colors. Why, just the other day, I examined paste up the windows, bandage my his Master's and Doctor's Degrees at Try them today!" a snapshot of myself when J was a ears, bury the dead with salad for Boston University. Also at Boston U., In the evening, maybe you take the baby, and I resembled an ape no flowers, and fall down the stairs only Dr. Holthaus received his Bachelor wife down to the corner establishment more than I do now. If anything, I to find that I've punched out too late. of Sacred Theology which enabled for an hour or so of relaxation. You Heaven forbid! Have mercy on me, him to preach during this time (and put a nickle in the juke box and out would say that the. human race is please! But no--my sentence is writ: to perform many a wedding ceremony comes that old, soft, sentimental num- evolving into a pack of apes, not from "On the morrow you will be strung in Baker Chapel in later years). Af_ ber. She gazes fondly into your eyes, them. Yes, many men have tried to concoct theories we've descend- that across the doorway in the path of the ter leavin~ New England he taught, and says, "Remember, honey, that's ed from monkeys, German shepherds, rushing herd. You will be trampled and spent some time as a grammar our song?" You reach tenderly for graham crackers, or peanut brittle. and your remains will become the school principal before coming to her hand, and-"If your engine blows None of these are true. We've evolved gruesome ones' spoil." But I died. Western Maryland College. Dr. Holt- the hood off whenever you exceed sev- from babies, that's all there is to it. D. M. haus found that he liked the college enteen miles per hour, you need Drip- atmosphere and prefers teaching on po. Dr-ippo, the new, improved engine this level. lubricant. Only the best dinosaur guts Ask The Library; His interest in philosophy grew Dr. ReubfJn S. Holthaus go into Drippo." THE GOLD BUG from association with the late Dr. is complete with brook, house, and Slogan SUggested Books Do Wander Edger S. Brightman at Boston Uni- what was a barn. This winter has It's terrible. An individual doesn't versity, and while ethics is one of his been spent in fixing and repainting favorite subjects he confesses that he the house and Dr. Holthaus extends have a chance any more. we'Il all go There are always certain titles just enjoys teaching regardless of the an invitation to anyone interested in batty pretty soon. I say we need to which have a tendency to disappear subject. This is reflected in the the finished product. The roof of the organize a "Society for the Preven- Member from the library. Often this is only friendly atmosphere which prevails in barn has been converted into a sun tion of Slogans and Commercials." Assoclaled Collegiate Press We ought to organize on a. big scale, temporary-for a brief period when a all his classes, where the students deck and the house contains two fire- nation-wide. Of course, to do that, student feels that his own need is enter into debate and discussion on places, one of which is large enough to we'll have to get a lot of people inter- Subscription Price $2.00 a Year more urgent than that of his class- any topic pertaining to the subject. hold four people standing upright at ested. That means there'll have to be mates. At other times the loss is per- Dr. Holthaus's rich sense of humor is the same time. Once he moves in, you something to make 'em sit up and Editoc·in.Chiel EDITORIAL STAFF Wheatley. '54 .._Charles manent. These are the books which, always ready to rescue them from a will probably be able to see a dog, listen. I have it! A slogan, with a A8"""iBte Editor GuB LaMu. '55 for one reason or another, seem par- deep and heated discussion, and with some rabbit]'. chickens, and an excel- little, music set to it, maybe, for class. Managing Editor_. Naney C....key, '54 N""", Edito .... Collin&, '5S Pat ticularly desirable for personal li- a twinkle in his eye, he will gladly lent garden behind the house. Al- How's this: braries and which librarians, with a explain "Monads" for the fifth time. though the majority of his time is Featuce Edito ....__ • ;.';,','! sort of sixth sense, recognize as vul- Often the students will leave the class spent in renovating "Strawberry Onward and upward, ye citizens, ~;~F~::'~Edi;;';; nerable and give special protection. with a question in their minds, and it HilI," once he gets settled it will pro- march! a nne o out. '65 naslip, Stretch Hcre at Western Maryland some of has been said more than once, "That vide an excellent background for his Forget Willy's Pickles and pure COpy Editor _..._ .... ._Chuek Taylor. '54 'H Production Manager. Ann Burht. these books have been collected in a really makes y~u sit up and think." hobbies, which include gardening, Heed white starch, merits of "Gran9- Typing . ._Rit.. Mauriee Mobley, '54 '55 Photog-uphy_. not the section of shelving behind and to the Dr. Holthaus now resides in \Vest- wood working, fishing and golf. mother's Bloomers" BUSINESS STAFF right of the second tloor service desk. minster with his wife, his daughter, W.M.C. can indeed be proud' to Or Dr. Piffinick's Solution for Bu.in ..... Manager. ..P"u! Lambertson. '54 Jim They may be borrowed far the reg- Gay, and his son, Jonathan. Gay, 16, is claim Dr. Holthaus as its o.wn. His Tumors, Advcrti.ing Manager. _ ...._Glori& Marshall. '55 '55 Bunting. Clreulation ..__ _ ular loan period but they are never deciding wherc she wiII go to' college, well rounded' view of things, his deep Plug up your ears, refuse to buy Lou Spoerlein. '5& returned to the open shelves. When a while Jonathan, just turned nine, is interest in each student, and his warm CONTRIBUTORS Dottie Wad". '56 book cannot be located on the shelves, a member of the third grade. At the sense of humor make him a faVorite it. Chuok Taylor. Dwight Scott, Diok Carvel. Dor· Anne Whitehurst, check in this special collection. phrase "now resides in 'Vestminster", with both students and faculty. All we want is some peaee and een McNeil. Nicky Kieth Nicholaon, Charlotte Ruth Davi •• Woerner. QUIET! Tom Scott.