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Thursday. April 16, 1998 - Page 6 COMMENTARY Staff Quirks: The Men in Black and Glar Edttur-Jn-Chrer In the secret MIB headquarters on campus: Kate Hampson '00 Anne Butler parodies a common sound, "Now, you know that you can only Q, the head of the secret organization Glar problem. take fruit or an ice cream novelty out of the Managing Editor called the Men in Black, looked down at two Emily Stamathls '00 dining hall." of his top agents, Kay and Jay. • take non-fruit and nondairy food out of Jacko slumped but looked up pleadingly Advertising/BusJness Manager "Gentlemen, the strange influx of squir- Glar!" at the MIB agent, "But WHY?! I need this Laura Kelley 'OJ rei jokes at The Phoenix has me worried. It's Entrance to Englar Dining Hall: sandwich back in my room! You know that!" News Editor a startling and weird phenomenon." Sam, the All-card checker, didn't think Jacko was beginning to shake rather vio- ChristianWilwoh!'98 Kay looked thoughtful, while Jay looked that fending off strange-looking, irate stu- lently, and he was glowing a nasty green Assistant News Editor doubtful. dents was in his job description. Generally, color. Erin Howard '00 "Oh com'n, chief," Jay said. "You don't he was only supposed to check and swipe Kay nodded encouragingly. "Yes I know really believe there are 'alien journalists' at All-cards, occasionally preventing someone that, but hold on-" Jay was signaling his Features Editor Nikki Belanger '98 the paper do you?" from exiting with illegal food. partner. "Kid," Kay responded, "stop being so He'd been doing his job, trying to pre- "Yo, Kay," Jay said, drawing him aside. Assistant Features Editor skeptical. There is at least one registered vent the weirdo from taking out a ham sand- Nicki Kassolis '99 "What does he mean by 'he needs it'? alien on the staff, a columnist I think, cor- wich, when the weirdo had gone crazy. The There's something wrong with him?" Editorials Editors rect?" Q nodded and Kay continued, "What student (who said his name was Jacko) had "His species.needs ham to survive, if they Adam Dean '98 Megan Martin '01 does-?'' tried to bite Sam and run off with his ham don't-" Kay glanced over at Jacko, Jay fol- "WARNING! Danger Will Rob-er,uh ... sandwich! Right now, Sam and two other lowing his gaze. "It's too late now." Art Editor WARNING!" shouted the pleasant sounding Glar employees had cornered Jacko and were "Whaddya mean-?' Jay began just as a Mike Puskar '99 but cold computer voice. "A 614 is happen- trying to calm him down and get the ham loud pop sounded from the direction of the Photographers Nathan Birdsall '99 "I just want my sandwich, " he sniffed, "they won't let ·me take it... to my room." Jose (Juba) Siqueira '00 JessieWatts'98 ing outside the dining hall. A 614 is hap- sandwich from him. alien, and everything in the immediate area SeniorWrlters pening outside of the dining hall. Thank "It's going to be okay," Sam's boss, Carolyn D. Barnes '98 you." (including the two Mm agents) was covered lonathonShacat '98 Linda, said soothingly. "Just give us the in glowing blue goo. Jennifer Vick '98 Quickly, Q pushed a button on his wrist sandwich. Why don't you take a nice apple "If they don't get ham, they explode," communicator. "What's the deal with the instead?" She was keeping close to Jacko Kay finished. Starr Writers Eric Barry '00 614?" He frowned and sighed as he heard but not within his reach. "Ah man!" Jay exclaimed. "Do I have to John Burfield '00 the answer. "I DON'T WANT AN APPLE!" Jacko be slimed on every assignment we go on"!" Anne Butler '01 Richard Hamilton '99 "Jay, Kay, you guys should go handle this wailed. "I JUST WANNA LEAVE WITH "It's part of the job, kid. Com'n, the Jeremy Lepus '00 one. It's a doozy, but I think the kid here is MY SANDWICH! WHY WON'T YOU cleanup crew is here; you take care of the Sarah Radice '01 ready for it." JeniferSirkis '01 LET ME HAVE MY SANDWICH?!" people," Kay said matter-of-factly. Prancesca Saylor '00 Kay considered it, and then said, "I think Jay and Kay entered the dining hall and "I know, I know," Jay said wiping goo Rich Simmons '99 so too. Is this 614 with Jacko?" Q nodded, surveyed the scene. off his arms and patting his pockets. "Yo, JessieWaus'98 and Kay sighed. "Him again. He's always "Not a moment too soon," Kay muttered, peoples, you mind looking over here for a Distribution making trouble. Com'n, kid." Kay headed as Jay just stared around in amazement. minute?" All the Glar employees and diners Richard Hamilton '99 toward the exit with a confused Jay reluc- Quickly, Kay went over to the crowd around approached the agent. Rich Suchoski '00 tantly following him. the distraught alien. "Jacko, buddy, why are He fumbled with his coat for a minute Subscriptions "Hey," Jay asked his partner as he caught you making trouble?" he asked in a friendly and then pulled out a pair of shades and a Richard Hamilton '99 up to him, "What's a 614?" tone. metal tube. He put on his shades and flipped Kay turned to face the younger man. Jacko calmed down a little, but he was Adviser the tube open. "Smile," he said before hit- Terry DaJton Kay's expression, more grim than usual, still visibly upset. "I just want my sand- ting a button on the device. startled his partner. "A 614 is one of the wich," he sniffed, "they won't let me take it FWOOSH! worst crimes one can commit on this cam- back to my room." pus," Kay replied in a low voice, "Trying to Kay shook his head and made a scolding ThePhoenixispublishedbiweekly. The opinions expressed do not necessarily rep- Students pool resources Stumbly resent those of The Phoenix staff, the fac- ulty, or the administrators ofWMC. Sidewalks to stay cool The paper welcomes free-lance submis- sions on Macintosh disks in most word pro- cessorfonnats.1beeditorreselVestheright Chris Dietzel describes the Another question raised by this adven- Eric Barry comments on to edit for clarity, length, and libel and to innovative efforts of some students ture in campus life is how the students the state of campus publish as space permits. All submissions filled the pool. One would assume they sidewalks. (excluding self-addressed diskettes) become to try and beat the heat. had a hose go from the sink or shower to the property of The Phoenix and cannot be Something happened the other day that their room, especially since their room is The sidewalk between Blanche Ward Hall returned. changed my life forever. right next to both facilities. Is it fair to and Whiteford Hall is very slanted. Pres- Please include a name and phone num- Iwas walking to my friend's room. On assume that? ently, the College is renovating many differ- ber for verification. Names will be with- the way there, I passed an open door. As Well, the students did not use a hose. ent locations on campus. However, I'm glad held only by the discretion of the Editor-in- I walked by, I looked in and saw some- Instead, they carried buckets of water back this isn't one of them. Chief. thing incredible. Inside the room was a and forth, filling the pool a few liters each I am very amused watching people walk swimming pool... yeah, a swimming pool. tnp. on this particular slanted sidewalk. The side- The Phoenix does not discriminate based walk is so slanted, I have actually seen two on age, race, religion, gender, sexual orien- Inside the room was a swimming pool ... yeah, a people fall and tumble all the way down to tation, national origin, condition of handi- the Whiteford parking lot. cap, or marital status. swimming pool. This sidewalk can be embarrassing for those of you who manage to slowly keep For the love of God, what is going on When I walked by the first time, the drifting to the right of it until you are in the around here? Maybe some students think students had started having troubles with grass. Actually, you rnightjust do this to get Mail to: this type of thing happens everyday, but I the pool. The two students were taking a closer look at the girls who are lying out The Phoenix have never seen it before, and I was. the water out of the pool. trying to rid themselves of their farmer's tan. WMC, 2 College Hill amazed. They said the water had turned gray. Ithink we can blame the slanted sidewalk, Westminster,MD21157 This pool wasn't a three foot, hard plas- At least, no one peed in it. not on the landscape, but on El Nino itself. tic pool. This thing was at least six feet I walked by again later in the day, and I'm not one to wear high heels too often, (410)751-8600 round and was inflatable. one of the students said our dorm's Resi- so Irarely encounter trouble walking on this (410) 876-2055, ext 8600 This raises a question everyone is prob- dence Life Coordinator had confiscated it. sidewalk, but I know many do. This side- FAX (410) 857-2729 ably asking themselves right now. Weren't You just knew it would either burst or get walk definitely doesn't need immediate at- E-MaiL phoenix@wmdc.edu the students worried about it getting a hole taken away, didn't you? tention, but it is definitely a worthy cause if and deflating? I asked them, and one of So much for trying to beat the excru- any clubs want to raise money for something them said they had considered that. ciating heat with a nice swim. besides beer.