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Thursday, March 5, 1998 - Page 6 COMMENTARY Staff Quirks: The Cult 0' Macs Editor-In-Chief Kate Hampson '00 Managing Editor Emily Stamathis '00 The high priest of the Maryland Chapter Anne Butler reports from the "Uh, sir," Sister Rose said carefully, "The of the Ultra Secret Macintosh Cult, Don, was meeting of the Ultra Secret students could just choose to go to the pasta AdvertisinglBuslness Manager not having a good day. It was about to get or salad bars .... " Laura Kelley '01 Macintosh Cult worse. He raised his arms to call his Aco- "Curses!" Don yelled, "Those kids have News Editor lyles to order. foiled me again!" Christian Wilwohl '98 "Brethren!" he called to his disciples, "It centiy have been searching for the 'Windows "Excuse me, sir?" A not-to-tactful aco- Assistant News Editor is time for us to meet and begin the worship Lab. '" Chuckles arose from the assembled lyte named Brother Scott asked in the back. Erin Howard '00 of our Apple god!" The assorted mass be- group at this. The fictional "Windows Lab" "Isn't college supposed to prepare students Features Editor low him calmed down. "Acolyte Brenner, had kept many students confused and lost, for the real world?" The high priest stared Nikki 8elanger'98 read the minutes from the last meeting!" consequently, this made them easier to turn at the impertinent young man. His eyes nar- Brenner looked down sheepishly. to the Cult of Macs. "Most of the faculty rowed. "Yes. What of itT' Assistant Features Editor Nicki Kassolis '99 "Uh, I don't have them, sir ...." have been converted as well, the 'creative' Brother Scott gulped but continued, High Priest Don glared at Brenner in righ- ones, of course, being the easiest to per- "Aren 't mMs, for the most part, used almost Editorials Editors teous fury and prepared to throw a one-but- suade." The acolytes around Brother Ernie exclusively in the real world (by non-creative Adam Dean '98 MeganMartin'OI toned mouse at the perpetrator, but he held nodded in agreement. The one thing in par- types at least)? Aren't we doing the students off for the younger man's explanation. (He ticular that a Macintosh excelled at was cre- a disservice by making them use an outdated Art Editor Mike Puskar'99 *was* a merciful high priest after all). "Why ative work." Brother Ernie cleared his throat system?" The entire mass went quiet at the do you not have them?" The shaken Brenner and continued in a worried tone. "There has audacity of the speaker. Photographers gulped. ''The squirrels ate it, sir ...." been some student rebellion though, sir . High Priest Don was the first to recover. Nathan Birdsall '99 Jose (Juba) Siqueira'OO Don scowled, "Damn those squirrels!" Most have the hated IBMs in their dorms " "WHAT?! INFIDEL! SEIZE HIM AND lessieWatts'98 He shook his fist in anger at the sky, "You Again Don scowled. "Curse those young THROW HIM OUT!" Don shouted to the hear me you rodents"! I will get even!" The hooligans! Don't they know that they're not burly acolyte guards. The guards grabbed Senior Writers Carolyn D. Barnes '98 priest relaxed and sighed. "I motion to dis- smart enough to use mMs?!" the young man and began dragging him to lonathonShacat '98 pense with the reading of the minutes. Dol A young acolyte in back raised his hand. the door. "You won't get away with this!" Jennifer Vick '98 hear a second?" An acolyte in the back "Uh, sir, most of them have IBMs at home Now-infidel Scott shouted, "You have to face Staff Writers quickly seconded. Don hated all of this bu- or school so, uh, well, they do know how to up to the real world sometime! And that Eric Barry '00 reaucracy with motions and seconds, it use them. In fact, they find Macintoshes hard means learning an IBM!" John Burfield '00 slowed down meetings inunensely, but the Anne Butler'OI to use .... " Don's frown deepened at this Don shook his head at the babbling of Kate Esposito '01 new great leader Gates thought it necessary piece of information. "Damn. Sister Rose, this apparent madman. But perhaps the her- Richard Hamilton '99 for some reason. what of our plan (0 break the student's spir- etic had a point? Were they doing the stu- Jeremy Lopus '00 Sarah Radice '01 Don quickly turned his attention to the its?" A slim young woman stood. "Project dents a disservice by preventing them from leniferSirkis '01 meeting. "Brother Ernie, how goes our at- OCTAA was implemented this year and did using a system that most corporations and David Szepesi '99 tempt to subvert the computers at Western indeed cause many students discomfort, but businesses use? Don stiffened his resolve. Kate Tevis '01 JessieWatts'98 Maryland ·College?" The portly Brother many of them still are putting up a fight." No, they were not doing the students wrong, Ernie was one of the oldest members of the Don considered this. "Fine. Get on the they were merely preserving the greatness Distribution order. The brother drew in his breath and phone with our operatives in Glar. The stu- of the Macintosh god. And the Macintosh Richard Hamilton '99 Rich Suchoski '00 launched into his report. "We have success- dents' menu will now be gruel tbree times a god was all about not facing reality. fully taken over The Writing Center and most week, spam, twice and mystery meat on the Subscriptions Richard Hamilton '99 of the two Hoover labs. Some students re- weekends. That will wear the runts down!" Adviser Terry Dalton The Soapbox The Phoenixis published biweekly. The Student Orientors (SOs) and Classroom Adam Dean questions the choose Socas from those lucky enough to opinions expressed do not necessarily rep- Assistants (CAs) both perform valuable practicality of combining have been in their classes, what happens to resent those of The Phoenix staff, the fac- functions for first-year students. Student SOs and CAs. those who have, by chance. not taken a par- ulty, or the administrators ofWMC. Orientors introduce the freshmen to the ticular professor? They don't get a shot. WMC campus and the various activities us some indication as to where the Soca's Combining these two jobs will put way The paper welcomes free-lance submis- which take place here. Classroom Assistants priorities rest. too much responsibility on one person. Both sions on Macintoshdisks in most word pro- are there for academic purposes; they help Assistant Dean for First-Year Students positions are important. By making these two cessorformats. Theeditorreservestheright out faculty and are available to answer ques- Barbara Horneff says she trusts the selection very different jobs one, the faculty is almost to edit for clarity, length, and libel and to tions. Both these jobs fulfill important needs process by the faculty members. guaranteeing that one of the jobs will be publish as space permits. All submissions for first-year students. Under the old system, applications, rec- shorted in some areas. (excluding self-addressed diskettes) become Recently, however, the decision has been onunendations, and interviews were all used Is this really what needs to be done? Of the property of The Phoenix and cannot be made to combine these two positions, per- to select Student Orientors. Now, the new course not. This decision should be recon- returned haps through genetic engineering, into a Socas will be picked by faculty members sidered now, before an entire first-yearciass Please include a name and phone num- strange new hybrid. The combination SOt who are teaching the newly required fall suffers. ber for verification. Names will be with- CA. heJd only by the discretion of the Editor-in- The faculty members who made this de- Cbief. cision think that they will be increasing the Combining these two jobs Correction consistency of the first-year program. In re- will put way too much The Phoenixdoesnotdiscriminate based ality, all they will be doing is messing with OIl age, race, religion, gender, sexual orien- the laws of nature and playing God. responsibility on one The following retraction was submitted tation, national origin, condition of handi- Think about it. The jobs of the SO and person. by Paula Harris of The Department of cap, or marital status. the CA are very different. One assists stu- Campus Safety regarding an incident dents in their classes and the other is more reported in the Campus Safety Blotter responsible for the social life of the first-year seminars for first-year students. What kind in the February 19 issue of The Phoe- student. of criteria will be used by faculty members nix: Mail to: These jobs are not easy to do at the same in the selection process? The Phoenix time without having conflicts of interest. Mary Bendel-Simso, assistant professor The actual investigation took place on WMC, 2 College IIiII The new SO/CA, or Soca for short will of English, says, "Most professors will pick PAAvenue in front of Pennsylvania Av- Westminster. MD 21 157 be a confused creature. What will be its pri- a student they have had before." enue 195 house. No Pennsylvania Av- macy duty? Is it there to assist the faculty or This will create a limited pool of candi- enue 195 house residents were involved. (4IO) 751-8lm the students? dates and (410) 876-:nI5,cxt 8600 The disturbing fact that the fonnal selec- qualified to choose from. How can excluding We are sorry for the misinformation of PA applicants make the first-year pro- to the residents inconvenience FAX: (410) 857-2729 tion. process has been eliminated may give gram more "consistent?" If most professors 195. E-Mail: pboaU.@wmdc.cW