Page 81 - ThePhoenix1981-82

December 3, 1981 Page 3 The new "Anti-red tactic" WYOB 98.6 WMC IS rezoned "Go fight elsewhere" - people, Litter'lines the roadways and Chris Beyers Andi Yob Bob Fasano has no say over where tion will decrease and the govern- The time has come 10 stop pussy- ment will have to increase the taxes Strom Thurmond, or Bob Hope) On November 24 approximately and where not to park The fields of footing around with the Red Menace to support the unemployed and make comes to the rescue. By this time, the twelve hundred unsuspecting West- corn you passed only in September For too long, the left wing com-symps up for the lost revenue from defense. Russian leaders, in fear of their lives, ern Maryland co-eos making their lie dormant and there are no birds or in Congress have been too scared of High taxes, high unemployment, and will be willing to give the government way home for the Thanksgiving holi- wildlife, mysteriously enough big, bad Russia to take any decisive growing unrest in Russia over to anyone, Reagan implements day were totally oblivious of the Once home. a curious world of action to wipe the Red Stain off the 'As bad as the U.S, bureacracy is. free enterprise and the market sys- bizarre and strange things they were reality opens up around you, Through map. So far, the U,S, has relied on a the Soviet Unions's is ten times tem, and soon the whole world is soon to encounter...some say they what used to be normal day to day wishy-washy policy of finger-pointing worse. To organize the vast land area enjoying the fruits of capitalism here headed home...or were they happenings you realize: "hey, this and watery diplomacy, saying in encompassed by the continental white bread, video recorders, male indeed headed for that zone com- isn't the world I left behind" effect "ba-a-a-d Russia" as if The United States alone (never mind Ha- and female anti-perspirants, rock and monly known as twilight? To your amazement vou find life Greatest Threat to Democracy were waii, Alaska and the protectorates) is roll, and so forth Breaking camp and escaping the has gone on without you-what is it some kind of poodle. It is no use extremely expensive; for Russia, the Now. I realize that there are some Hill as you embark on your five day you were doing "as the world reasoning with these barbarians-- cost will be prohibitive. But they'll nameby-pamby liberals out there who holiday in celebration 01 Thanksgiv- turned?" what else would you call a people have to try anyway, because we are wringing out their hankies and ing, you leave behind lor a time, the Tony the Tiger has cleverly can. who suck down vodka like water and thought of it first. Within five years, whining about how the poor Russian wonder, the mentally nurturing envi- cocted banana flavored cereal. you peasant will have to bear the brunt of write all their R's backward?-the only the new U.S. and U.S.S,R. will be the economic hardships. But this is ronment, and all the stimulus that is hear something of that old virus thing they understand is the Big bankrupt, demoralized and yearning war, not some ladies auxiliary picnic, education. You abandon, for a week, strain ...Anwersaoat.i.or something Stick. Therefore, I can see no altema- for the good old days when they and we must put the interests of loyal this institution which prepares you for and how it has been killed off, pearl uve but a total, all out, no-holds- could test nuclear warheads on Sibe- American citizens above those of life beyond the pearly purity of glo- drops tooth polish is no.w out in barred, surrender rian peasants and write 1.0ng,libelous some dirty, illiterate sludge farmer in rious Western Maryland and head for exciting new wintermint. a new hair This measure may sound a bit eou-u.s. articles in Pravda. Minor the Ukraine. Better them than U,S that long forgotten thing that awaits conditioner (STYLE) is on the market drastic, but consider the resulting revolts will sprout up all over the If my plan works, all I ask for myself you---the real world. the economy wavers between reces. scenario. The U.S. ambassador to place and the land will be ripe for is a modest government pension and From the moment you drive along sion and depression, this guy named Bussie announces our surrender to revolution perhaps an attractive, eighteen year that familiar route which leads to Reagan is now running the country the United Nations. The initial Russian At this point. Ronald Reagan (if he's home, you notice ito-not all at once, (was there an election?). Raquel reaction wi!! like be "Sure, tovanch. still alive. If not, Barry Goldwater, old co-ed. And, in the unlikely event mind you, but gradually some- Welch opens on Broadway and oddly and born we were yesterday, that it doesn't sue mel At least Itried thing..,something .like ...Iike...change. enough there is no Taco Bell to be Stopping at McDonald's on your discontinues production of old ones To kill is easy way home you find a hamburger has other dimension...one of time and found maybe?" Meanwhile, the U.S. halts all . You are traveling through an- manufacture of new weapons, and suspiciously raised in price by a Outstanding bills are forwarded to whole 5 cents, you begin to notice space...up ahead in the distance are freed to find jobs in the private in America alien creatures of oon-college age there is a sign cost..watch out' it Moscow. Young men in the military reads---reality categories: little children and elderly sector, and career men are given civil service pbs-say, gardening or day- the rate of one every thirteen seconds care. Money budgeted for defense is Loc Gwynn and the number of handgun deaths is returned to the consumer in the form In our pathetic society, violence" like an average of ten thousand every of tax cuts, spurring economic a wild beast, depnves human ~s year, Most of these deaths result from growth, This tax break should be 01 their mtegrlty and value Crlmln crimes of passion and accidental Quite substantial, considering the size als roam the streets as freely as shooting when the spur of the rna- Grende! prowls the halls-of -Hecrot. ~ ment action claims .uvee. Curiously 1 ~ OfF~~h;':r~: we would no longer The horror of depravity and murder enough, most Americans do realize have to. give billions of dollars in exists in ourselves as we wait for a the danger of owning guns. Accord- foreign aid to all those basket cases stranger who would kill, rape and ing to the latest Gallup poll. 63 and fascist dictators overseas. We'd plunder merely for a need 01 via- percent of Americans approve of just say "Sorry, Pepe, we're under lence. For the United Stated, a coun- stricter laws to control handguns. This Soviet domination now," and leave it try where morality and strong will are agreement seems to be overwhelm- at that. The money saved could be the basis 01 superior civilization! it is ing recently, mainly because of the used to cover the incidental expen- not shameful to sheller the 'death of John Lennon-and the shoot- only ses of surreroer-new government monster of violence; it is unlorgiv- ing of Ronald Reagan. But. the stationary, new lIags, pictures of a~e to encouraoe him. The American enthusiasm to ban handguns will Lenin, etc people, given the right to own guns, wane as it did after the death of the At first. of course, the brains in are prompted to use the weapons Kennedys and Martin Luther King Leningrad will be befuddled at the against their fellow citizens, Year after Either the Americans are very forget- American surrender, figuring it to be year the number of victims of hand- ful or they have become thick- an American plot to embarrass the guns increases as the purchase of skinned and impervious to the dread- U.S.S.R. in front of the UN When the weapon rises without check. fulness of violence. Their system of their spies detect no new building of Crimes become more bloody and government is ineffective in protect- armaments, they'll be more paranoid regular simply because the criminals ing them and is inadequate in com- than ever-obviously, they'll undoubta- are better equipped. Still, no law is parison to others in the world. In bly think, the U.S, is building an made to put sufficient restriction on Britain and Japan virtual prohibition of immense arsenal underground handgun possession Children re- handguns provides safety in the cities Hence, they'll increase their own ceive pistols and rifles as birthday and reduced crime to the standard production. Soon, though, when they presents; people of any background rate of a civilized country see four-star generals planting rho- can buy guns unnoticed. All 100 often dodendrums and changing diapers, one of these people with his handgun they will become aware of the terrible inflicts upon us the greatest grief and truth. The war is over, and they must a sense of alarm. With a pistol John dismantle the Soviet war machine Chapman and John Hinckley can kill Now, everyone knows that the cor- without courage or the restraint of nerstone of the Soviet economy is the conscience. Anyone at an impulse building of armaments. Suddenly, can pull the trigger to murder and there is nobody left to fight. Millions. never has to exert a mental or maybe billions are suddenly out of a physical effort. job. As unemployment rises, procuc- Each year Americans buy guns at Of course you' can charge it .~EB JCPenney , CATALOG PHONE WESTMINSTER STORE PHONE 848-51ro 848-7766 MON.-SAT. 9:30 a.m.-8:30 p.m ".1. J. c. p.,.,ney Comt>lll'l'. Inc