Page 158 - ThePhoenix1981-82

The Bird Ask Omaraculous Dear Orner. primarily for extracting that par- in a car with the windows rolled Recently, I attended a fancy ticular/y hard to reach, hardened up, while you're sitting in class Trite lime pendants grouped in a huddle, snickering, grinning as they plan to befuddle dinner party at a politician's. flem (snot) in your nose, The during an exam, and to arouse a went well until house. Everything Wednesday night rhetoric is the order of the meeting, serrated edge of the knife serves sleeping roommate. the basis for the obsequious greetings. the meal was served. When I sat as a functional nostril-hair comb three I noticed down different Then I saw the senate cutting through the black, forks, two different spoons, and Dear Orner. heading to McDanTe1 on a crooked" path Dear Orner. What's you opinion of girls? two different knives placed in I have a strange fascination for What qualities does your ideal front of me. I was lost. What are pens. Rne points, ball points,., girl have? all these utensues for? I've heard power points, you name it. 1 have Baffled diner. The snakey Whinnies shriek and shake with lauqhter, that Y9U are a graceful at Dinner a collection of over 200 different Dear Baffled, Embarrassed 8 p.rn. meeting doesn't start til twenty after. pens, no two alike.· They all have Girls are neat Then in struts the tribal order queen, Dear Clumsy Diner, a special place in. my heart. I They're really fun oh so composed. delicate and pristine, You've heard -right. Manners don't particularly like girls, but my I only wish the tribal scholars jump up with whoops and caus. are my middle name. The largest pens never let me down. Several I had me one. of my pens tell the time and a _ as the queen starts the commencing of the savage 'brawt. fork is tor sticking the person "Chaos and mayhem," screech the voices of the pendants seated to your right in the butt. couple even talk to me. I wax To cuddle and squeeze "Rap ye -me deadly voo-doo gavel, (or the person seated to you left, them at feast once a week so And pinch her butt The second if you're left-handed) plunder the campus in academic battle." they'll slide through my fingers. A girl who believes The tribal queen adrnlnlehee the throng, largest fork is for eating off other Lately. my roommate's been giv- I'm not a nut plates. Fork no. 3 you people's "Beware, beware, or Robert's Rules of Order, and ing me- a hard time. He says I'm and all the other gods of the senate, inconspicuouslY.. stash_ in your loony. What do you think? A girl who don't care pocket. You ne"Ver can tell when Robert's Rules will hoo-doo you. - Bobby-boy About that zit on my face you'll need a good fork for butt- Dear Pen-man, With puss running out sticking at a fast food joint. There's nothing wrong with you. All over the place Seems all they serve are those I tuck in my Bic, kiss it, and tell it flimsy plastic jobs, - no good for a bedtime story evetv night. A girl who is proud listen to the yell of alumni ghost butt-sticking. suffering long for their imaged-maimed host You're a few bricks shy a load, To be Omar's flame favor- Spoons are my personal Hear the Student politicos mock their names, ite. They mainly tuncnon as food- pal. This, Dear Baffled, as they go about their deeds of same. Is Omers ideal dame Listen to the misleading proclamation, launchers. The larger spoon is Dear Orner. foods like sliced for firing larger shouted across the hills of the campus location. I have a special talent that few Dear Omar, - Hear the voices of representation, carrots, meatballs, and potatoes be people possess. I can pass ~ Two weeks ago, after a night of spoon at The smaller should are boisterous, shrieking lies of instigation. used with peas, com, mixed while will. others Some are orphans - no drinking at a IQCaIbar, my friends I were and involved in a car Hear the disdain of a quorum call, vetgetables, and -brussel sprouts. watch the pendants juba in the senate hall. Spoons also serve as excellent pop. My problem is my timing. I accident - the result being that I never know just the right moment I haven't am now a paraplegic. See the pendant queen bang with the gavel tools for splashing tomato soup hard as she .can. on a white-jacketed diner. to exhibit my talent. Can you help told anyone because I'm afraid to me? rattle, rattle, rattle, Knives, contrary to popular roll out of my room. How can I with an ouldated book and a glossy gavel, Cheese-cutter break the news to my parents? opinion, rat-tal-rattle, tattle, tattle, tattle. hygiene. are mainly for personal Dear C-C, Triple-Cripple Use the larger one for Beware, beware, or·Robe.rt's Rules will hOO-d~ you. The most opportune time to Dear Tn"pple-Cripple scraping whiteheads off your shoot the proverbial geese is A postcard and a recent pic- face. Knives are better than during intimate male-female rela- ture should do nicely. Don't pinching with your fingers, and tions. (There is a number that wotry. You could always get a Motion to adjourn is shouted in the hall, less painful than shaving the zits applies, but it slips my mind) job as a doorstop or a paper- no student was represented at all. off. The smaller knife is used .other great times include; riding weight. - Senate member egos primed for another week, rush to fill the resume with their feats. Water leaks Rat-tat-rattle, tattle, tattle, tattle. See the aisles in Hoover Library, filled with senate notes oh so airy. news shorts Hear the voices of the future generations, howling with laughter at the mani-festations. C.N. The Mannly DDG-5 same day?" all collected dollars for the reren- The joke was on us er last fall's ovation of Alumni, Winslow and Since the yearIs for all practi- Halloween punk rock mixer the Track. In a most conservative cal purposes over and it is Shorts sources found out that the vane, Dr. John announced "Why becoming virtually impossible to notorious mixer of the year was not stay with a good thing." keep on top of things. Therefore, actually sponsored by the Bache- Dean Laidlaw, in a last ditch I am writing this slightly well tors dressed up to look like the effort to shake all the razzing she informed column from time to Phi Delts. In fact, IVe have it on has received in the last 12 or so time. In the interest of my aca- good faith that Jay Wingate, who years refused to allow The Phoe- dernc standing 1 will not pay a allegedly assumed the identity of nix to print anything at all regard- great deal of attention to modern Chris Hartwick was over heard ing that three day party half of us conventions of SOCiety like truth, saying "I was misquoted". have come to know and love as fact or morality. Simply, I will .Sorry guys. run in their race, Junior Follies. Good Job. On relate the happenings of the okay. to the more serious side of school as I see them or make -The newly formed subcommit- . things. Goucher College (a,Ugirls) them up. tee of the newly formed commit- is having a "shipwreck party" Shorts has it that several of our tee of the newly formed Student $1.00 with a lifesaver, $1.50 stag. most distinguished professors, Foundation, the S.L.A. (Seniors Now who would you like to be most notably, Dr. 19lich, Dr. Law, Liberation Army.) have kidnapped stranded on a desert island with? Dr. David, Mr. Makosky and Dr. the campuses own local smart This just does to show you that Alspachx. ere forming a progres- ass, Chris Byers. I leamed of this you never really know a person. sive new wave band. The group saddening news while in Dr. Jeanne Higbee has just come wilt be managed by Yvette Car- Long's office begging for a pass- out of the closet as a surrogate ney who has been looking for ing grade in what can only be mother (I thought that she was work for some time now. Appro- described as paganistic rituals. married to a man.) At first the priately, the band wlll be called The S.l.A. hopes that no other unlucky couple, who will have to four out of five are doctors. fool underclassman tries to, gel_ remain nameless approached Next, Mike and Beth are getting as cute with his mouth Victor Culatta, Counseling intern. married and it is rumored that Phi The college brass has let it They offered him an R.A. job in sigma president, Checka Leinwall leak that rather than continuing the apartments next year, but Vic was over heard saying "wouldn't efforts to raise a small fortune to was sorry _to say that he was a it be just groovy man if all the Phi build a new gym, they will turn Sigs cQU.ld get married on the . .hard rudder a stern and ear mark continued on page 4