Page 157 - ThePhoenix1981-82

RO_TCtakes over campus Mr. Rotc der called for the "Green the ROTC takeover, he broadcast school. No more TP .shortages. phones, bathroom stalls, or other Early this morning crack forces Terrors," a Ranger unit especially the following message: No more cafeteria food -- we'll such items will be shot after a fair of the ROTC cadet corps, led by trained for such dangerous mis- "We shall defend our c611ege, eat Orations instead. No more tria!. If the offense is extremely Cadet Major Sharon Bullward, sions. They rappelled from heli- whatever the cost of tuition may high tuition. Never in the field of serious, such as forgetting to parachuted into the quad and copters into the section and be, we shall fight on the football academics, has so much been bow down to a cadet of higher launched a well-planned attack quickly took care of the fumes. A field, we shall fight on the quad, owed by so many to me." He rank or failing Kill Commies 103, on the administrative center in few Ranger described the attack we shall fight in the library and in added, "l'm in control now." first the person will be shot, and Elderdice Hall and Decker Col- as "a lot of fun" and felt that the the dorms, we shall even tight in LTC Claw started off the new then receive a fair tria! lege Center. Bob Fasano threat- experience would probably help Englar cafeteria; we shall never administration with .a number of Starting tomorrow at 0600, all ened to give everyone a ticket for them when they joined the Army. surrender." directives. The Phoenix has been students are ordered to fall out parachuting without a license, Mopping up operations re- The brains behind this opera- renamed The Stars and Stripes. for PT. For those who don't speak but changed his mind after mained. The female dorms were tion is the ROTC Battalion Com- ROTC is mandatory -- not just Army (don't worry, you soon will) Cadet 'Sergeant Wener Twinkler quickly seized, due to the eager- mander, Cadet Lieutenant two years but all four years. this means be ready to exercise informed the major that the ness of some of the male cadets Colonet Robert Claw. l TC Claw Anyone caught ripping out tele- at 6 a.m . troops fell a little more larget to practice newly learned tech- broadcast to the college once practice would help lift their mor- .niques concerning prisoners. An the takeover was assured. He ale. The landing was soon fol- attack on President Johnny's proclaimed thai today College." Crackdown "a was lowed by a ground attack ably house was led by Cadet Second day to be proud of -- a New Deal led,by Cadet Major Nan Sadder.' Lieutenant Fred Markus. The for Westem Maryland The major gave the word to "take President barely managed to es- He went on, "I have been Clem _ -, the hill", and soon ROTC forces cape, and only received that dreaming of this day since I saw In an effort to crack down on Ne penalties will vary in sever- had captured a large part altha chance when one of the cadets the Movie Taps, sixteen times. misuse and abuse of Hoover ity according to the degree 01 campus. The troops encountered got stuck rappelling out of the TImothy Hulton is my hero and I Library facilities, several rather stuoegt abuse. According to the difficulty only in the Preacher helicopter, and had to be res- wanted 10 be just like him.' Now severe penalties are being imp!e- new Hoover rules, students mak- section of Oaniat McClea, where cued. The President has set up we can have discipline in our mented The new penalties will ing "repeated, uncalled for troops were intially overcome by an administration-in-exile at the noises" in the library will, atter an strange fumes (obviously a s0- radio station in Westminster. r------- 'gOL:~~~~ff~~r:;r:f ~::~ 1~0~~ initial warning, have one extrem- To phisticated weapon). Major, Sad- the students who were resisting within the last several years an ity maimed for each offense increased abuse of Hoover facili- thereafter. With the fifth offense, Laidlaw rehired ties, "We won't tolerate any more the students tongue will be re- stated head librarian Sa- abuse," students caught Any moved. "We've spoken mantha Hatchett. into to Dr. John about the new stipu- bringing food and drink over study areas will be "turned Chris Beyers lations and we have his ap- to a fraternity for appropriate proval" action." In, an astounding turnaround, college president Ralph C. John These new stipulations were "The Preachers have quite reinstated Elizabeth E. Laidlaw as created to counter act such lively initiation rites," stated associate dean of students after things as students bringing food Ratchett, ''I'm sure participation a marathon, three-hour personal and drink into the library, keeping by offenders wi!! be discipline !onger than the check- materials interview. enough." out limit, and getting rowdy in Students who return books study areas. after the of "one digit per day the a date pay due will T dents today just don't realize how fenders is overdue." Repeated of- "fine" "We'll have panky no hanky book here," stated Ms. Hatchett. "eta- will have their nose cui: off. good they have it. When I went 10 H school, our library and consisted of the staff a lot of valuable we've "I jhink just what it's expressed only one small room, we didn't needed," one library have any of this wonderful nou- staffer. In the long run it'll save time lighting interlibrary rescent E loans to do much longer when and energy. more And if we need to for the facilities construct had and to rely on horse we handicapped - What the hell." buggy. " Quad quarantin watching reruns of "Green Clem New scholarships Several sections of the Quad Acres." Chuck "Buzzsaw" Stu- Junior CPS B have been placed under quaran- dinski was the first 10 contractthe disease on the WMC tine by local health officals due to campus. WASHINGTON D.C. -- Due to creased, states Charles Smith, a the recent outbreak of the Gabor Perry Wackernunu, Stuofnekt's the proposed cuts in federal aid lobbyist for the U.S. Student Syndrome roommate, contacted the campus by the Reagan administration, Association (USSA). Such exam- The disease, which only afflicts doctor atter he noticed Studinskl many college students will be ples include; the Gilder-Bonzo l males, has of yet no known cure, was "acting very peculiar" hard pressed in the coming Economics Granl, a two-year but as area doctor Quaalius Lude "Well, 'er. like the tirst thing ! years to find available financial scholarship for students majoring noted, usually runs a relatively noticed was Chuck dressins sources to continue their educa- in supply-side economics; the short course of 7-8 hours. . funny-imported Hungarian ga- tion .. If the Presotent's education Special Gilder-Bonzo Economics Stated Dr. Lude "we in the loshes and there was sequins all budget for 1983 passes Con- Grant, a full four-year scholarship R medica! profession are com- over the floor. They he started gress, some federal student aid for black and 'Hispanic students pletely baffled by the Gabor talkin' wierd·saying things like programs will be cut substantially from ghettos majoring in supply- Syndrome. With all our medical "Why Dahling' I'd love to marry (such as Pef Grants, College side economics; the George knowledge and liltle blue-pills we you,' At first I thought it was Work-Study Programs, and Guar- Bush Voodoo Economics Loan D can't do a damn thing to stop-it" some of the crap he was smok- anteed Student Loans), while oth- (also known as the David Stock- According to nurse Zora Hatch- ing, but it never affected me like ers will be completely eliminated man Vote of Confidence Loan) en, victims of the syndrome show that and after he tried to kiss me, (Supplemental Educational Op- lor economics majors; the U.S, several symptoms of the dreaded I called the doctor" portunity Grants, State Student State Department Work-Study diseases 3-5 days before being Studinski is now under medical incentive Grants, and National Program, for all caput red Nicara- incapicitated by it, such as the. supervision in the WMC infirmary. Direct Student loans) - guan soldiers/political science adoption at a slight Hungarian Of the 12 reported cases, none Nevertheless, certain areas of tailed uo panu!lUO:l accent, addiction to flapjacks have proved tatal. "At least I federal aid may actually be in- and an increasing obsession with don't think so," stated Dr. Lude Thursday, April 1, 1982 WMC Volume I, Number 21