Page 113 - ThePhoenix1981-82

February 11, 1982 The Phoenix Page 3 Introspection The source of the Mormons tially shared with several friends and several harsh winters and through Dan Wilson ministers a visitation he had received ~:~he::, ::I~~a~~ii~~.~: g:€ \ essentialty-untracken lands, leaving and combined physical and spiritual baptism II all 01you persons who I have had l the good opportunity to share my from Jesus Chrisl in answer to a ered himself together though and led behind trails that would open up the As for me, despite my own personal desperate prayer the saints in a quest in Illinois to build .religious beliels with think that I have Joseph was living in a time and whal was to become the largest city west to the rest of America later 10 weaknesses and shortcomings, I also extend this message of hope to you come. 'Nhen he got where he wanted IOfgotten you, I haven't. I thank Mr. place of great religious revival and in the West. Nauvoo. There they to go he said, "This is the place," and many other good wishes as well. Holt lor the creation of this COlumn, rivalry between Methodists, Baptists drained what was thought to be some and Nancy Tumer lor the first use of and Presbyterians. Often referred to useless swampland that they had and that is where they stopped. It There will be some tos.mescoar- it, (though t may question its head- as the burn-out time of history be- bought, and prospered. It was also was what we call today Salt lake ies visiting WMC this week 10provide ing), in that it leads me once again to cause of the flaring intensity of reli- here that a desperately praying Jo- Valley. It was to become the head- vou with even more info. if you are expose myself and the lOS religion gious zeal seph healed the entire camp of a quarters for the Church for the rest of interested. They will be two of over which I belong to. I write this to you, Young Joseph was quite confused, malaria epidemic. But before long the its existance 30,000 such representatives sent on all of my~good friends here at WMC, as his own family was divided in mobs retumed. This time Joseph and Today Salt lake Valley, Utah, both welfare and educational mis- who. I mayor even may not know affiliation, and wanted desperately 10 his brother Hyrum were gruesomely Idaho, California, ArizOna and the rest siens all over the world. For the most I feel it was the greatest gift ever know which church he should ;oin executed in a jail in'Carthage tHinois of the West coast are flooded with the part they pay for their missions with given to me and would like to share it He finally decided to give the whole The Church was lett behind to be omnipresence of the lOS Church, as their own money. If you would rather with you in the same way it was matter into God's hand. It was then exiled once again, this time by a they constitute a substantial portion of just see me to discuss whatever may interest you about the Church, or the population. There, and over the shared with me. The lOS (The during a humble prayer in the woods brave and true new leader who would rest of the World, they are active in anything else for that matter, I live in Church 01Jesus Christ of latter-Day behind his fathers farm that Jesus go down in history known as a lion extending themselves and their mea- the campus apartments, Apt. 3B. My Saints) religion is a very powerful Christ visited him and told him to amongst men, his name was Brigham sage of hope for the world in Jesus name is-Dan Wilson, and my sevices religion and an inlluential lorce in the "join none of the churches." A little Young. Brigham Young took the bit- Christ, through the restoration of His/" are open to you always, thank you world today. It is now the fourth later, he was informed that the full- terly cold saints through the heart of Church, through faith, repentance, _ largest and fastest grOWingChristian ness of the original gospel message Church in the world. It is worth our would be restored in a time shortly to while to understand its origin, nature come. and components, and to make a lair ceived many such visitations and The secret In pickinq up As Josephs life went on he re- assessment of its worth to us The Church of Jesus Christ of manifestations, all in the face of latter-Day Saints is most commonly growing hostile opposition. Eventually known by its public nickname, the he was led to bring forth the record and then you sidle up next to her classes or tv. By the time you ~t Mormons. Mormon is not the official of the Book of Mormon. (Today it has Chris Beyers humming some suggestive song-for around 10 asking about sex, it's name of the Church. The name example Ted Nuqent's "Wango generally too late, and she wants to Mormon comes from sri ancient des- become one of the most widely I was picking the hair out of my Tango," the Stones' "Satisfaction," or go home, "because 1 have to wake published books in the world.) 'Nhile cendent of the tribe of Joseph, the Joseph was stilt young he was called teeth at breakfast the other day, perhaps Jackson Browne's "Rosie," If up early tommorrow." I suggest using Joseph who was in Egypt. ' to organize the Church by further relating to my frioods the latest this doesn't sway her, try poking the banal approach only with women He was a prophet to other member visitations from Christ, and by a direct installment of my adventures with the around with your fool and asking her who really want it bad, and we all descendents of thai particular tribe in visitation of the prophet John and the opposite sex. One particularly gullible "Have you seen my Nobel Peace know who they are. the fourth century after the ressurec- ancient apostles Peter, James and freshman inquired, "Gee, Chris, how Prize around here?I seemed to have And finally the suave, sophisticated, lion of Christ. He, Mormon, edited John. They came with a commission do you do lt?" Rather than wasle my dropped mine...Oh well, I have an- intellectual approach. This is by far and abridged a set of their scriptural of authority for the young Joseph, for expertise on a small group of friends, other one at home ..." If this doesn't the 1110stsubtle approach, and records that they had kept for nearly the work that he had to do. It was the I have decided to share it with the get her, then she is a COld fish. should not be attempted by amateurs one thousand years after they had left they had received entire school. Thus, I will explain How Then there is the direct aocececn. who will only make fools of them- same authority thai Jerusalem just before the Babylonion from Jesus Christ when they were on To Pick Up Women. According to Penthouse fjfty percent selves. A good start is to be nrcr- exile around 600 B.C. 'Nhen the the earth. Joseph went on to call The first premise you must operate of all women will say yes if you ask mally introduced by one of your founder of the lOS Church recovered with is this: they all want it. They them outright jf they want to go back friends to the Apple of your Eye I those scriptures and published them other apostles under the direction of might not admit it, and some may to your room and have sex. Of Remark, as you straighten your ascot. 1 under the name of The Book. of Christ and thtl's the frame of the new deny it, but deep down, they all want course, according to Penthouse, or- how you detest these contrived meet- Church was formed. Mormon in 1630 the public was quick The first few years of the Church it. They can't help thamselves-every- gies are as common as pigeons, and ing places (i.e., the pub). Then go into to pick up the name and to call the were grim ones. Members were one is driven by the same, disgust- UFO's swoop down and mutilate a lofty diatribe against, say, "Roci< group of believers "Moonons." The chased from slate to state, settlement ing, PSyChological impulses. They cattle. My advice is before trying the and roll and other children's music," name has stuck and still sticks on 10 settlement. They had just become may try to sublimate it, but it's always direct approach, be sure that the or ask if she thinks the Romanticism some four million lOS believers rooted in both Missouri 8I1d Ohio, there. The only problem is they all love of Your Heart doesn't have a of Silvia Plath a little too much 10bear muscular brother, a protective boy- (you do), Be sure to drop all kinds of loday. having built a temple in Kirtland, don't want it from you friend, or a particularly militanl femin- wise aphorisms and roo-clever witti- The trick, then, is to convince your The lOS Church had its origin in an when painted mobs sometimes led prospective partner thaI. despite your ist for a roommate, just to be safe. cisms until the girt is enthralled with event that tOOk place in the spring by local ministers, raided their homes grotesque physical appearance, your Another idea is the facile, banal your intellectual WOrldliness. Ascer- 162 years ago in a small farming and fields with random fire and miniscule la, and the fact that your approach, This is particularly true laining when she is ready to give it town in New YO!1l" 1,,'''Iv. prooresses to a deeper level, such as f Singing Valentines....en sale Febru- : HOUSE OF LIQUORS "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the ary 8 - 14 from 9 to 5. Call ext. 631 or strong man stumbled or wtere the coer of ceeoe could have done drop by the office in Rouzer base- I better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, ment. Only $1.50 on campus! I Carroll Plaza. Westminster 848-1314- whose face is marred with dust and sweat and the great enthusiasms, I the great deVotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the I Special of the Week... STREAKS C.J. 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