Page 98 - Scrimshaw1979-80

You didn't read it here lJJHefl IrJ tile Elf"" Rag defended We the staff of Scrimshaw, factual. The reported events never If 10 ideas are assigned to report. regret to inform the campus that, took place, no one said anything, Dear Nasty ers. even the best papers are lucky once again, we were unable to and even if they had, the quote 1f the New York Times is famous if 3 or 4 good stories develop. This substantiate any of the facts in our would have been taken out of for presenting "all the news that's is the area where Scrimshaw is paper. Due to our lack of context. To all those ad- fit to print," I'm sure you will be tight years apart from Its competi- organization, talented writers, and ministrators, faculty, and students proud to know that the Scrimshaw tion. (Such as the Carroll County dedicated editors, we have been who feel that they have been in has taken this idea one step be. Times which recently switched forced to indulge in yellow jour- some way misquoted, yond. It is com mom knowledge over to a daily format. This action nalism for most of the year. In misrepresented, misjudged, or that most news story leads don't is obviously a desperate effort to response to massive, recent misanything in this issue, we will amount to anything but dead ends. boost that tabloid's plumeting err- mend that they talk to Bill Hearn Rats are brighter criticism that our paper is con- deny printing- it, and we recom- culatlon in the face of tough com. sistantly inaccurate and that we petition from the Scrimshaw. A refuse to admit it, we decided that because he had absolutely nothing high ranking representative of the is would be best to appease our to do with it. If that proves un- The Psychology Department is defending itself against charges Times was quoted as saying "I _readers. We therefor frankly satisfactory, the world cocrf lsn't of admitting functional illiterates as students for the purposes of know trying to take the Scrimshaw admit that nothing in this issue is doing anything these days. experimentation. The department set out to prove that if the func- head on Is suicidal, because we tional illiterates were put in a college environment, they would be can" even give ours away.") papers Most able to perfor!!!. up to capacity of college students. Department small percentage print only that that at the Psych One of our reporters was undercover of articles Spring Concert a hit picnic, and reported that the experiment was obviously a failure. _ has the guts to print the hundreds make it big. Only the Scrimshaw saying, not true that none of "It's Dr. Miller denied the charges, our people passed the sth grade! We have a few. students here who of stories that flop. Gossip, hear- flunked the 9th grade." say and out of context quotes, com- Scrimshaw would like to compliment the Social Committee on Scrimshaw feels that the department must be stopped. Ob- plimented by the finest in sense- their choice for the Spring Concert. After running a survey to find viously, it bas-plunged too far into the depths of its psyche and is tional headlines, make this paper out whowe wanted, and then informing us that no one on the survey unable to return. whatitis. was available, the Social Committee realized that they were in We ask, is this the purpose of a Liberal Arts Education? Clearly, BlIlByrne- trouble. - the members of the psychology department have exploited the However, Mike and Mitch sacrificed their GPA's and put out purpose of this institution. Love/News Story hours and hours of hard work, long distance calls and quick plane "But it was for the purpose of education," stated Dr. Colyer, Dear Nancy, - trips into Spring Concert efforts. And it worked. We didn't believe blowing smoke at our reporter. I'm sick of being the second they could do the impossible, but they did. Back together and better While there may be some validity to Dr. Colyer's point, we feel woman in Dave's life! I've put up than ever, the Beatles will perform at WMC for the Spring Concert. that the education of a few at the expense of many cannot be con- with it for 1112 semesters and I just doned. We must speak out against the practice of admitting func- Personal Viewpoint tional illiterates as students. can't take it any more! Dave and I _ until had a really good relationship Pros "nil eons of ehild _"use away from me when you stole him last September to be your Managing then Editor. never see him anymore! Since Oh, I see I Dlonra Thistlewool of Bree tceev'e mechanized, bureeucretlz- him occaisionally .. on Tuesdays I think we have all had enough OJ ed corporate society. A child has dodgers start running this coun- tain: the red stain of Marxist, let- we pass each other getting our bleeding-heart liberal psycholo- every thing given to him, why not try? I'll tell you where, right down fist idealism turned totalitarian mall-- but I don't see him nearly as gists and sociologists ,telling allow a parent to give it to his child the road to communism!!! To- tyranny!! an American, it is a much as you do! You've qot him So as parents that they can not bat once in a while. Most of the prob- day's child, never told no, every- parent's right and duty, to whack every Monday night for your around their brats because it will lems with child abuse derives from thing handed to him, his body and his kids around if they deserve it meetings, and everv Tuesday night cause mental, not to mention its illegality. Make something il- mind soft, spaced out by drugs and (and sometimes when they don'f). for lay-cut planning, and from physical damage. What about the legal and it acquires a mystique. materialistic values, will welcome It is the only way this country can noon to midnight Wednesday for reasons for child abuse? Nobody The only way to bring the crime a system of government that con- save itself, and raise a generation paste-up. The rest of the week he's ever talks about them. Are parents rate down, is to reduce the number trois their lives and does of God-(you bet in capitals) fearing running around interviewing really in the wrong? of offenses. everything for them. Gone will be patriots who will be willing to people and writing articles for Chud-ebuse provides an Impor. And it might be good for the little individualism, patriotism, rree- volunteer, rather than be drafted your old rag. Why can't you just tant emotional release for today's hellions too. Don't get me wrong, I dom and capitalism, to be replaced to save America. So hit your kid! leave hi me alone?! Pick onone of parent. It is an outlet, a safety love children. That's why I hate to by the cold steel of the iron cur- Someday he'JI thank you for it. your photographers and GIVE valve for the pent up frustrations see teday's J.D.'s being brought up DAVE BACK TOME! and emotional pressures of In today's permissive manner. I Radical Viewpoint In anqulshed desperation, modern society. In these Infla- have had my fill of the Dr. Spock, Susan tionary times, lew-cost recrea- indulge them, indulge them, gener- tional activities, like child abuse, ation of so-celled human beings. Swiss threaten U.S. 'are necessary. Why should the Where will America, long may it child be protected? It is the parent, wave, head when these over- the adult, the breadwinner, who Indulged, ever.drugged, over- Keith "Kill the Commies" ignored surface fleet, not to men beginning of the greatest Holo- must face the terrible problems of sexed and under-scarred draft- Arnold tion untold hundreds of nuclear caust since the Great Flood! No submarines which today circle a one will be spared. No one ever Wake up America! Get out of sleeping world. Thousands of total- said the Swiss are not efficient. Do your sfatus-seektnq, salt-centered, ly automated tanks await In huge you want to be conquered by a Personal Viewpoint materialistic, down- jacketed garages to race across Europe country that can't even figure out world and take notice. YES, I spreading their mechanical death what language to speak. Not me no Shake, rattle and roll MEAN YOU!!! This country is in across vast distances, over every sir! You won't catch me wearing a I am funny hat and yodeling! advocating danger. I bet you grave invading, border, indiscriminately tripling the defense budget im- free and communist countries all think I'm crazy don't you, well mediately. you'll see, don't say I did not warn Baird 8. Hines This threat does not come from without warning (shades of Pearl you! Laugh if you want. BUT What ever happened to tits and brave, so Be Free, Be Brave, the Russians, as If they were not Harbor) according to a devilish ass? You know, good old blatant WEAR FISHNE-T! bad enough, not from the Chinese and intricate timetable. WHEN THE ALPS START OPEN_ sex! I have not seen a real tight There is no excuse now, it is or even from the Manson family. The plan will start off with a ING UP AND THE MISSILES tee-sbrrt on a well built girl for warm out again, let's get those The evil oppressor of the world's bang as every Swiss watch, ARE FLYING DOWN YOUR months. Come on girls, this is the beaches open and show off some semi-innocent masses is Switzer. Longines or otherwise, explodes, SHIRT, DON'T COME CRYING TOME!!!! of beautiful .................................. : r'.::::,.:.:,,,f.f::::he:_:f:.:'",,"=.':::d.::th::.e==c:.:.::; ~~~ :;~~~ ~:, ~~~'~~~~~~I~:.'hlng land. That's rIght Switzerland, the killing millions and signaling the John Wayne Lives! peace-loving country And what about the tall end? I scenery, skiing and hard-working know that there are some good clock makers - don" you believe it! ones out there; I have iogged All these years of neutrality, the Staph : happily behind a few for miles. But hard-working (I'll say they're Th~ Usual Gang of Idiots : that's not enough, let's get those hard- working) Swiss people have Head Warden. _ . . . Nancy "Liberal without • cute little butts into the class room been arming, waiting for their were they can be studied by chance. Thealps aren't mountains, a cause" Menefee • everyone. they're missile silos. CriticS-of my The Man Behind the Scenes Dave "Grover" Cleveland Tube tops, bikinis, gym shorts, theory will say "wouldn't that be Muckraker _ _ _ _ ..... Bill "Bench Press" Byrne . nude sun bathing, fish net shirts; an awful lot of missiles?" I reply, Moneybags _ . _ .... Jim "Slim" Wellman 'come on girls get out there and exactly and that's the danger. The Invisible Man. . . _ ..... Vernon Roberts show the men on this campus that Swiss have never signed a nuclear the female is the superior_sex arms control treaty, nor do they Pornographers_ ... _ . _ .. Adam Wright..t_Bob Marshall physically. belong to the UN . clear signs of an Coolie Help. Diana Paiynes, Sue Frost, JanetTrainor, Bounce, Wiggle, Shake, Hang; aggressive, dangerous and self- Mimi Griffin you girls may hold the key to assured position. The Swiss have Gopher _ Joan "not a six" Hughes getting the student body secretly financed a huge miJitary Scribbles . . Ralph Preisendorfer motivated. establishment by speculating with Our own Woodward and Bernstein. _ John Arnold and Swiss bank funds. • Jli!n 1Int/e""" -$- massive Swiss missiles, is they have To hell with diverse opinions and Keith oppoalnq Hines manyfold. The plan i-$- ", ""''''nI funneled from Lake Geneva to the viewpoints. Besides the their sea releasing Mediterranean ',='-'-...i;;:::""::;:..:._......::..:_____::;_.J small, highly ette, ...... and largely •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••