Page 50 - TheGoldBug1946-47

The Gold Bug, Feb. 6, 1947 The Editor's Pr~Fessor Meatlo.Fer Samariwhhu e"ts~ Farewell Fling C = HNMPT (32 •DELIA) "What have you done?" St. Peter 13,600 ALPHA asked, By TEN O'CLOCK A special committee appointed by "That I should admit you here?" the Westminster Light Society has "I ran a paper; THE EDITOR said, In the past fifty years many new away by his profound ideas on the announced a new cut system which "At my college for one long year:' faces have appeared on the Hill, but economic problems of the world to, will be put into effect immediately. St. Peter pityingly shook his head few can compare with that worn by day, as inevitably happens in the There .will be no fines for overcuta, And gravely touched the bell. our own Professor Meatloafer. After course of his fascinating lectures, he but anyone who exceeds the number "Come in, poor thing, select a harp. half a century the impact of his coni- lapses into the full volume of the of cuts allowed by the Light Society's You've had your share of Hell.' ing to WMC is still being felt by the fluent and precise colloquialisms of special formula will be required to (Editor's Note: This is our edi- student body. his ancient Slobbovian family. For submit that number of Coca-Cola bot- torial. We warn the new editor tle caps to the Society. Professor early educe- Meatloafer's that this issue is the inevitable end tion consisted of a special fifteen-year example, we offer a quotation from a Total number of cuts allowed will recent lecture. of a year behind the editor's desk. course in a small grammar school on "Meester Cortanzi-are you prasent?" be figured on the basis of the formula, Don't let this happe~ to youl) the Easter~ Shore, plus six years in Silence C = H N M P T (32-delta) Pocomoke City High School. Upon his "Hah I You are absant and deed not 13,600 alpha graduation he studied in the following report eet so! Een streectest accord- Prof. Meatloafer where C is the number of cuts al- Woetry institutions: Sykesville, Alcatraz, uuce weeth my iron-bound preenctples lowed, H is the number of hours' University of Maryland, and Florence absolute of Meester eempartiality, Crittendon Academy. Cortenzi viii gat the 'Ahff' grade een ~vr~~ian~~~~meof the Encyclopaedia ;~r~a::~o~t:d:~l~:ra~tt::l:~:~s: ~ THE HALLS OF YEARNING thees course." His ceursea are unique in that they Professor Meatloafer, in his blue !~e!:~ ;.ui~b;e O!o~~:s:v:r:~~n~~ ~~: At the sound of the bell we don our are combined to give instruction in Professor -Meatloafer's main com- caps; language and economics. Ordinarily plaints against the students are that :~~:~~~!~':;a~a~:rse;~o~;stho~ hs~~~ student's grades, T is the mean tern- Chattering gaily we slip into wraps. Professor Meatloafer s-st-st-st- some of them are male, some do not dents, to wJ10m he is explaining- the perature for the school year in de- Our fervor is childlike-leaping and stutters with a dcfinite Southern have a Supreme Justice as an uncle, cut system. For their further con- grees Centigrade, delta is the number Singing, drawl, but when he becomes carr-ied and some have not eaten and digested venience he has made several handy ~ip~e:t~ ~~etl~~u~t~dt~;t~~emi~~~:r:.nd Merry we skip, our bright laughter ringing. Cha.rt for the BWJY Business Man ~~~~setaSr~n:a~~~tsinuP~~er:::;~h~:s~ 'It will be found in certain cases (This led directly to the installation that 32-Delta is equal to zero, in 'Tis dinner! 'Tis dinnerl Oh joy and of his most popular physics course: ' which case a special formula must be oh bliss! Hieroglyphics 403.) applied. 'rhi~,f:~U~\~s r= as This thrill, this delight for nothing Despite the professor's learned we'd miss I background and studious appearance, What visions of sugar plums, luscious he is really quite a family man. He X 140 P Q and sweet, has three children, whose bright say- where R is tne student's room num- What dreams of the gamut of good ings are used as the subject of all but ber, Tw is the student's retiring time things to eatl a few of his lectures. The youngest, on Wednesdsys, S' is the highest Speculation runs high~wi1l it be affectionately referred to as Fatso by score he has made on the pinball ma- P is his pulse rate, chine at Earl's, pheasant or lamb? the professor, already shows signs of Lush breast of guinea? Woodcock? Or inheriting many of his father's char- and Q is the barometric Pressure in ham? acteristics, as the little tyke takes millimeters of Hydrogen on New Will a flaky Napoleon, peach melba, great delight in squashing worms, Year's is Day.) immater-ial to the school It or cake kicking stray dogs, and beginning each day with a series of utterly un- whether the absence is due to sickness Add the consummate touch to what or death of the individual. The stu- we partake? answerable questions. In his spare time, Professor Meat- dent is paying for his studies and The portals we near--excitement's loafer can always be found puttering should be expected to be at all class intense. around among the rabbit hutches in sessions it is possible for him to at- Eager, we sharpen our olfa;tory his back yard. His prize buck, a tend. sense, beautiful Flemish Giant named Rob- Special concessions are made to And sniffing the wind, our heads we (Continued on page 3, column 4) Dean's Listers~. , lift high. ('Those who make a pomt average .A_ SilenS~;h~revails; there's scarcely a Impossible? of 4.00 or better will be construed as being automatically on the Dean's The teeth gnashing hungrily, the {Jll.epa4er1H.e4d- in ,AeatJeH, List.) It is felt that this system, although forthstrekhing hand- not the best that can be made, will be Onward and upward marches the of intestimable value in reducing the band. (Adapted from Heavenly Discourse which these dance. everywhere that this is a war to number of overcuts and in increasing What tickles our nostrils? We reach by John Erskine Scott Wood.) ~ Ingeraoll : Theirs is not to reason end preparedness-I mean a pre- 'the student's regard for his courses for our flasks- God is standing on the parapet of why i theirs is but to do or die, paredness, to end war. Make the of study. Any relevant factors which A gurgle, a choking, a scream- celestial light overlooking space. He Voltaire: Where did you find that girl-angels enthusiastic. Bring the have been ignored will be incorpor- "GASMASKSI" wears a military overcoat, boots, and military gem, Bob? young people together. Together, ated into the formulas if they can be spurs. Ingersoll: In the schools. A bread- do you understand? shown pertinent. Fortified, terrified, the brave ones God: If Satan should attack now I and-butter bit by the poet laureate G.abriel: I understand, Omnipotence. advance, fear the result. The walls are in of England. God: Michael, take charge of con- Stumbling, staggering, like ghosts in bad shape; we are not prepared. I God: Come, gentlemen. We have scription. I mean volunteering- en a trance, must have a campaign of prepared- eternity for war. Preparedness, I masse. If there is any criticism or We dasedly start/at what ware to ness. Once fully prepared to resist mean. But no time to waste on complaint or resistance--jail them, "t- attack I can myself attack if that poetry. torture them, obliterate them. We It's a bird-it's a plane-My God, it's seems desirable. Hermes! Voltaire: But, mon bon Dieu. that is want no objectors, no slackers. This She got him! MEAT! (Hermes enters and salutes gra~e_ not poetry. must be a purely voluntary enlist- fully.) God: Never mind. What shall we do ment. Reprinted from the Police Gazette. Wee, sleakit, cower-in', timorous to make heaven prepared to--to-- Michael: I will make it voluntary if beastie--- , God: Hermes, summon Michael, to defend against any who seem to I have to choke every angel of them. "Treatise on the "Major Drives of Gruesome shape, are you our feastie? Mars, Gabriel, Israfel, Pallas, Aph- endanger our supremacy? Defend. (Jesus comes in.) Man." Hunger, Thirst, Sex. rodite, Maternity, and Mary-no, never mind Before us we see some purple, some the women. That's the idea. All wars are "de- Jesus: Why, Father, you hsve on blue; Hermes: To hear is to obey. (He fensive" wars. all your old Jehovah things and the Maternity: See sex. See sex. Hunger: For food this stuff has a very strange salutes gracefully and goes out.) Michael: Declare the universal draft. great sword. , Thirst: See sex. hue! God: Immigration has fallen off bad- Gabriel: I am afraid heaven won't God: Yes, and I have ordered a com- Sex: (Editor's note: Thi8 rag goes But there's one saving grace, one Iy. The most desirable citizens are stand for that. Jesus has preached plete outfit for you. through the mails, Jack.) peace too long. consolation: all going to Hell. This menu will never give heart pal- (Hermes, Michael, Gabriel, lsrafel, God: With us all things are possible. Z:Sd~s:c~~~~~;,t~U~~llt;::: ::~::::. Sir: You raise your voice when We must them, fill first frighten pitation. and Mars enter.) ,them with fear, then with hate. We are preparing for war, and you should reinforce your argument. All: Lord, we are here. Gabriel: In what way, Omnipotence? when prepared we are going to have war if I have to make it myself. The evening meal is over, the last God: Angels, archangels, and gentle- God: For example, headlines in i4e Jesus: But I have no enemies. Hea.rd in the 71.ight: crumb is gone, men. I have sent for you that we Heavenly Herald: "Horrible Atroc- God: Then you ought to have. Why, dear, you never smoked in The doors once more open, and hungry may have a council of war-I mean ities of Satan," "Make the Cosmos Jesus: But I said, .. Love your en- bed fUlfore we were married! hordes march on I of preparedness. Safe for Jesus," "Satan Threatens emies'" (signed) Mars: Ha, of war, (Rubs his hands.) Your Halos," "Satan Disembowels God: Yes, that's what you said but I, M. Starving, God: Nay, I distinctly said of pre- a Cherub," "Satan Rapes the Ten no one believes you. Your own min- Liberty is the absence of impedi- Hungry Hill, Md, paredness. By myself, how in- Foolish Virgins," and so on. isters down on that pill say you ment to motion ... Hobbes. credibly stupid that fellow isl Gabriel:· But none of this will be true. Ask the man who owns one. (Bob Ingersoll, Tom Paine, Jeffer_ never meant it. Don't blame me. son, and Voltaire come in.) God: True? Of course it won't. Look to your earthly disciples. The Pilgrims Progress. Princes of light, angels, and gen- Don't be a fool, Gabriel. You can't I wolves in your clothing hound and How are you doing? work a war-preparedness, up followers, 'OI'd St:n'II'm10 tlemen. I intend to make the Uni- mean---on the truth. This is war, persecute your few true Christians, I say the. Christians. verse safe for Jesus. To do this 11!0 '~~U"Q aUllUa["~lltl::.~~J:'~'1" 'A~~~~~"s I mean, preparedness-and we sim- not Christians, I slay myself. we must annihilate Satan, and for 01 'd O~:S'-f>" ply must lie-the more horrible the Jesus: :My God, My God, why hast 'dullO,! \"lUUQON -""J, ~;;lU1i~1:J~~~U~j:;:u!l this we are not prepared. We must better. Thou forsaken me? 'U!'dOl'b be prepared to resist his attack- Gabriel: But about the compu1sory A -maiden sweet, with graceful feet, 'm!D 1110'9l1alioD~;r'it~~ta!l'll''!:~~,:~~A\ or even anticipate it. God: I have not forsaken yon, my Was tripping the light fsntastic, Mars: Good, prepare for war and draft? son. Your false prophets forsake When she suddenly tore through the . L '9I1u1IO'1 lalu"QoN 'jUlI~N qnJO .~~u:a~ you are sure to have it. God Do as I tell you. Get them fear- you. Those patriot-shouting Jnd- dressing room door- Ingersoll: (Aside to Voltaire) Did struck and hate-crazy and they will ases. No, I retract that last state- Damn this postwar elastic! f~ut~~;n~.1~JP~;;lJa~f~~1:~{:;~~~~~~:or< you ever notice the skulls of these volunteer, Then, too, you can call ment, Judas does not deserve it. draft "Volunteering forcible the • '01 'd ~ '1IlAf) military men? They could slip en MdHse." Paine: By comparison he seems noble. p.I".M. G'IJUU1B: 'Jbnq.l11aO '[["qla'l""H ,'PlO their collars over their heads with- Jesus: My sermon on the Mount is Have you heard the one about the '", 'd H:II '100ft'S 'lJflH J~l$ out unbuttoning them. God: Now you understand. true and they win find it 110 or load of peaches? .. hut Marj I 'U~Q.M. 'uoodo nlj'~8 ~~1~'1~~!I'~1~~JJ"J"s Gorillas and such as Gabriel: But how about the teach- perish. gotta print something. Tom Paine: '01 'd O!'b 'm';l) these pull the strings on which the ings of Jesus! God: They say it Is against their roo _IIOD ",.uRN ·l!...~·l.f.",j~Ua~a~:~.lJ poor little marionettes dance to God: Pish, nobody pays any attention war. "Sex Is bere to stay" but everything, 'wa.L11!"OJog,.lalllI death. to_ him, Tell the people Jesus is Jesus: It is against all war. It Is '",'<1 OS:!I-,'dunO>Jtal""(PN I write al;H;lutit ends in the trash : --9 .&.uin.lqa!l '.{1ips.lnttL ,Jefferson: --Others pull the strinis to all. for bloQd. M~e prqclamations (Conti7l.u.M 071.pq,ue 4, colum71. :t) ba"'~