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COMMENTARY Wednesday, Aprill6, 200} - Page 7 The sex advice column: An idea whose time has arrived Once again, Michael Wiles says what needs to be said Jess, here are the question 1 re- Dear "Wanting": I think J need to take some diving classes not do anything "doggie style," as ceived, addressed with my thought- can help you, but I am a bit con- or something. I believe there are he so crudely puts it. ful advise. I hope you all enjoy, fused by your quesnon. When you such classes available right here at and perhaps learn a few things for say "playing rough," what exactly Western Maryland, and maybe you Hey Wiles: What do yourself. are you talking about? Does he should considering signing up for you think about the war in lraq? Do Something very distressing has want you to play Rugby with him one. However, this doesn't sound you feel all the bombing is neces- recently come to my attention. The Dear Michael: I'm hoping or something? If so, maybe YOll like your biggest problem. If your sary? I know this is a hotly con- Phoenix does not have a sex col- you can help me with a problem should just tel] him that you are not being able to dive (or lack thereof) tested issue, so I was wondering umn. I've been having. My girlfriend interested in Rugby, or any such is so important to your girlfriend where you stood on the matter. How could we be this far be- keeps telling me that I "chalk my sport, and that one's choice of that it causes so many fights be- Concerned American hind a trend that has recently swept cue" way too much (if you know sports is truly up to them. You tween you two, perhaps you are not the nation's colleges and universi- what I'm saying), and that it is re- know, "Wanting:' your question the guy for her. Maybe she should "Concerned:" I am glad that ally starting to bother her. I tried reminds me of one of my favorite ties? It seems that almost every be dating Aquaman or someone someone finally understood the other self-respecting collegiate to tell her that it's really in her best bumper stickers: "You have to have like that. Something for you to nature of this column, rather that publication understands the need to interest that r "practice" as much leather balls to play Rugby." I've think about. JUSt asking me stupid questions have one student's worthless opin- as I do, but she doesn't seem to always loved that bumper slicker. about dogs and sports. It sounds ion govern the personal questions agree. Any advice? Confused with Anyway, back to your question Dear Michael: I'll get right to to me that you have quite a prob- of hislher classmates, so why not my cue about Rugby. I've got to be honest my point. My boyfriend and I have lem on your hands, what with your The Phoenix? Hell, even the Johns with you, I've never played Rugby. been together for a little over a year, "bombing Iraq" and all. Frankly, I Well "Confused," I could not Although I did play Cricket once, Hopkins Newsletter has one such and things have been great between don't even know I'm allowed to agree with you more. If your girl- I've heard the two sports don't have column as of late, and I think it is us all the while. However, lately print such a graphic inquiry, but high time we, as a truly progres- friend supports your dreams of be- much in common. Regardless, I he's been talking about wanting to hopefully your letter will see print, sive liberal arts institution, step up coming a successful pool player hope this all works out for you. do it "doggie style," and I am em- since surely many others are hav- and meet this new trend head on. (which I can tell from your letter Maybe you boyfriend just doesn't barrassed to say that I have no idea ing the same problem. Have you We need someone who is willing you aspire to be), then why doesn't have enough friends who like to, what he is talking about. When I tried any of those special creams? to do away with their own inhibi- she understanding the need for you as you said, "play rough," and that tell him this, he just scoffs at me, I hear those are good for such tions and qualms and give them- to chalk your cue? I mean, I introducing him to others with and it hurts my feelings. What is "Iraq" problems. If those don't selves in service to their sexually haven't shot pool in ages myself, similar interests to his could make he talking about, and what should work, maybe you should consider confused peers. As Michael but I do remember the chalk being everyone's life a bit easier. Thanks I do? Just Human seeking professional assistance; the Spector, co-editor of the Newslet- a great assistance to my accuracy. for your letter. sooner the better. Hope thing clear ter so astutely put it, ''This is some- Perhaps she just doesn't understand Well, "Just Human." I'll be hon- up for you soon, and that your thing we really should do." I, for pool all that well. Hopefully, she'll Dear Michael: My girlfriend est with you: I have no idea what "war" is "resolved" soon. one, could not agree more. see how important cue-Chalking is and I can't stop fighting about a your boyfriend is talking about, ei- Anyway folks, thanks for your let- Luckily for all of us, we have soon, and the problem will solve part of our relationship, and I don't ther. Do WHAT "doggie style?" ters, but I am beginning to think me. I, for the betterment of all who itself. I must say, however, I don't know what to do about it. It's hard What's he expect you to do, drink that I am not cut out to be a sex read my selfishly motivated col- know what this has to do with sex. for me to talk about, bUI she keeps out of the toilet and bring him his columnist. While I enjoyed being umn, decided to throw caution to You might want to address your complaining about my "diving" slippers? 1 don't think your boy- able to help people, it would ap- the wind and solicit, for this o~e concerns with a fellow pool player, skills (if you know what I am say- friend has much respect for you if pear that a sex columnist, judging time only, questions from the West- since I, as said before, have not ing) and it really offends me. I al- he expects YOll to engage in such from my experience, not only have ern Maryland student body regard- played in a while myself. In any ways try my best. but she just ends activities. Maybe you should con- to know lots of stuff about sex, but ing their sexual and romantic con- event, I hope I was able to help. up yawning and giving me the si- sider gertlng him an actual dog, so pretty much everything about ev- cerns. lent treatment. Then, when f try to he could train it to do these things erything else. I must say, the responses I got Dear sex-column guy: talk to her about it, she just gets he wants, thus taking the pressure Hell, I don't have time for that. from you all were quite diverse, if I'm just about at my wit's end with really pissed off, and we end up of you. All the same, J would ex- I'm a busy guy. not somewhat confusing. Of my boyfriend. He keeps making fighting about it. Any advice how plain to him that you do not deserve -Michael Wiles is a course, this is my first crack at such hints that he would like to "play 1 can improve my skills? Barely such treatment, and that you will senior English major rough" with me when we are alone Floating an endeavor, so maybe it is just my (if you know what I mean), and I inexperience, but you all seem to Poetry Corr1e¥ be way more confused than even I am just not down with that. How "Diving skills?" Listen can I tell him this without making "Barely." this is supposed to be a would have thought. Most of the him mad? Please help me. Want- sex column, not a column about letter is got had little to do with sex, Haiku ing to Play Nice water sports. If you are having so with most people wanting advice By Lisa Moore much trouble diving, maybe you about sports and stuff. None the pon't be afraid, prepare to laugh Is wandering aimlessly. Motherless child Tara Dellattrantia discusses a website that satirizes the Take her in your arms. government's "be prepared" plan ttp:/lwww.uspoliticsforum.coml the forwarded and web-reproduced they advise keeping non-pertshabt Mayonnaise on the road mergencyl satire of Ready's pictures has di- foods in your home in case of a Looks like a cloud that fell down rected mass amounts of attention emergency. However, some of th o matter what you think about to the original site. advice is a bit more far-fetched, an I wouldn't eat it. ar, it isn't pretty. It isn't funny, While the original site uses this satirical web site/forward has ither. At the end of the day, graphics that arc supposedly easy emerged in the glory of the back ~garless of political affiliation, y.ou to understand to illustrate their lash against plastic sheeting an Goats land on the rocks- ust have to think about the stupid- points about being prepared for duct tape. Horizontally eating. ty of the government. If no one terrorsim, the uspoliticsform site Amazingly, the link t Oh! To be a goat. ets hurt, and no one loses tax dol- mocks them. ready.gov has remained on the for ars, what's the harm in laughing One picture, which illustrates a ward/site in its various incarna t ridiculous graphics pUI to good man with hair blowing a whistle lions, always pointing the curious se? loudly on once side, and a Mr. audience to see how and where th Now accepting poetry This popular unintended use of Clean-like man screaming in [he government originally intended t overnmeot graphics other, is captioned "If you spotter- use these things. for the final Spring paraphanalla, government-spon- rortsm, blow your anti-terrorism And remember, if you ar ored information, or whatever you whistle. If you are Yin Diesel, yell trapped under falling debris, con ~ant to call it) is originally fro~ really loud." [sic] serve oxygen by not farting. 2003 edition of the The ww.ready.gov. Ready.gov IS Reedy.gov. which is sponsored here so that we can all go about by Homeland Security, offers some -Tara Dellaltramia is a Phoenix! ur normal lives. Its motto: "Don't tips that make sense. For example, senior English major e afraid ... be ready." Ironically,