Page 159 - Phoenix1998-99

MORE CREATURES Thursday, April I, 1999-Page(-4) M&.MII: SUpport New Sports Rat's Web: Sites Unseen On-and-off sports editors Greeks did their Olympics in the MikeY: What if the boys basket- BY ANNE BUTLER Mikes Puskar and Yestramsk~ buff. ball team were playing and the girls Staph Rat The Duck-Shaped respectively (and disrespectfully) from Bryn Mawr came in to watch Explosives Homepage examine the plausibility Mike Y: It'd definitely improve the them before their game? Anyway, With one exception, the follow- www.kablooey.coml of bringing new sports to WPSS attendance at some of the events. new subject.; ing web sites don't exist. Try to duckgoboom.html or modifying current ones. Then again, wouldn't something guess the one that is real. It will be get caught? Mike P: Not yet because J just revealed in a future edition. Serial Killer Mike P: The sports program at this want to say that basketball would If anyone feels compelled to Interpretive Dance Numbers school is so tried and done. I think Mike P: Vh, maybe. I guess in be hard to play nude when you have create any of the phony sites, please www.slashandhack.coml we should bring some new things football it would be kind of pain- things bouncing up and down on consult a qualified therapist or bang AndDance in. So what if the football team and ful if you got rammed in the wrong both guys and girls. Yeah, let's get your head against the wall until wrestling teams have been kicking spot, but it wouldn't be so bad for off that subject. better sense prevails. Thank you. Dean Sayer's arse? Ws time for a change. girls-sports. School for the Sanity-Challenged How to Properly Kiss a Sheep www.wmdc.edu/sayer/crazy/ MikeY: Wait. isn't that Dennis Mike Y: What kind of sports don't MikeY: At least we guys don't Rodman's dream about how's he's www.tt«ftoaaaaa ........aaahhhhh.com. loon.html we have really? Don't we offer all think so. But it would definitely put gonna play his last NBA game, in osculation we need to? an interesting spin on the wrestling the nude? Sporty Spice team. I wonder if that's why they Take Over the World for New York Senate! Mike P: It's not a matter of need. invented Greco-Roman wrestling Mike P: Might give new meaning in 5 Easy Steps www.spiceworld.co.ukl There are just so many other things with no attacks below the waist. to "Rodzilla." www.narf.org/-tconoclast hillaryclintonlsenate.html out there. Your Friend, The Spleen! The Linda Tripp You have British sports like Mike P: Possibly, but we could al- MikeY: Yeah,anyways, Ithink we rugby and cricket. Yeah, they may ways introduce no-holds-barred. should go with that idea of chang- usmc.edu.krfspleentasticf Naked Mud Wrestling be too obscure here, but you never ing subjects. Getting back to the index.html Home Page know. Then you have medieval ~ MikeY: We'd probably win a lot idea of new sports in school, since www.squealor.comlmud! sports like jousting, which is the of matches by forfeits. half the school already partakes in The Teletubbies Dating Service wrastlin.html state sport after all. this anyway, why don't we just (Straight' Version) Mike P: Yeah, because if the other make it official to get a varsity let- www.naughtynaughtynoonoo.com The Proactive MikeY: That's the state sport? schools didn't want to participate ter for beer bonging and things of (Gay Version) Ergonomic Synergy the same way, maybe just seeing that nature? You gotta practice hard www.tinkywinky.coml-falwell of Poll-socto Paradigms MikeP:Yup, even though most our wrestlers standing in their birth- for stuff like that just, ask the frats. www.corporatespeak.comJ people think it should be lacrosse. day suits would scare them enough Pauly Shore Sucks! -paradtgum But you gotta admit, jousting is to forfeit. Mike P: You know, I hear that But Does he Swallow? cool. some people think the pub should www.blechh.comlsuck.html The Problems with Tentacle Sex Mike Y: I know seeing any of the serve alcohol so maybe CAPBoard www.urotskidoji.comlhentail Mike Y: That's cool. And we can guys in the sports program here in could start sponsoring Beer Squirrel Fishing problems.htm break out some of the Greek Olym- the buff would scare me. Imagine Bonging Night every Friday. wwweecs.barvard.eduz-yaz/en/ squirrel_fishing.html pic sports like shoot-fighting. all the schools we play like Mes- The Only siah, the Chnstian schools - man Mike Y:-Yeah, tha1's definitely a Japanese-English Dictionary .,il Klasjdfoksdjfoiwejflsakdjf Mike P: Hey, you just gave me an they'd flip out hardcore. good idea. 1think we should bring www.salkdjfklsdajt1ksadjfiksdaj.comf Written in Spanish idea! Someone's been talking about that to College Activities in the near -cweiarucd www.whatthe?comldictionaries/ this nudist colony thing, and Mike P: You never know. future; I would sponsor that. japtoeng.htrnl Green Terror Bird death penalty policy meets Holy Spirit Conrinuedfrompage (-I) "We see this step as a last re- Reactions to the policy have Continued from page (-1) sort," stated Martin. "We think it's been horrified across the board. time to start buckling down." One staff member wonders whether Wheaties box?" However, an unnamed Bird re- or not the harsh punishments have Williams, however, is taking the porter links the creation of the been going on for quite some time, increased attention in stride. "I've policy to Journalism Professor and under cover. "Remember that kid always known I was Jesus," he adviser, Terry Dalton. He said it's who couldn't tell the difference said, modestly plucking a hair from no coincidence thai the announce- between 'there,' 'their,' and his beard and chewing it. ment came immediately after an 'they're?" he asked. "I haven't "After all, when I was a kid, error in this semester's first issue seen him since last fall!" didn't my daddy stan off his sen- particularly upset the Bird adviser. "What's gonna happen when tences when he talked to me by say- "One of the cub reporters mis- Deadline Spice comes back?" won- ing 'Jesus Christ, I can't believe quoted me in reference to the re- dered another reporter, who asked you're my kid'?" quirements for the journalism mi- to remain nameless. "If we go back Williams once also noted that nor. Events like these reflect very under her reign, I could be pushin' he has four friends in the Eques- trianClub. "Remember that kid who couldn't tell the He likes horses because they have hair similar to his. difference between 'there,' 'their, 'and Commenting on his own mane, 'they're?' I haven't seen him since last Williams said, "Plus, I mean, look at this hair and this beard. r look Jall!" too much like Jesus not to be him. or at least one of those scary squee- Anonymous Bird Staffer gee men that live in the cities and always try to get money off of you." badly on me, and I'd prefer not to daisies because she thinks 'favor- Williams has rio definite plans have to deal with such negligent ite' has a 'U' in it!" for the future. He intends to focus students in my Journalism classes The specifics are detailed in a on the little things for now, such as from now on," Dalton said. written constitution, which hangs controlling the glow from his radi- The deities take full credit for framed in the Bird office as "a ant new halo and making Taco Bell instating the new rules because as gentle warning." There have been stay open 24 hours a day. editors, they are immune. Dalton no documented violations of the Doing something about teenage insists that he was not present when "One Strike" policy as of press in response to Williams claims, says he's the Anti-Christ. Asian porn is another one of his Rich Suchoski, to prove it, he challenges the laws of nature white summoning the policy was created and that he time, but some of the staff's par- Attempting goals. "There's just not enough of his demonic powers. Perhaps this photo would look good on a wheattes learned of the punishment details ticularly poor spellers have mi- that to go around," he said. box. (Note: The fact that the tree appears to split at the bottom is merely along with the lower-status Bird grated to Contrast in fear for their one of Suchaski's magical illusions.) staff members. lives.