Page 158 - Phoenix1998-99

CREATURES Thursday, April 1, 1999 - Page (-3) Lukas reinstates plans Hair falling out while you sleep? for Star Wars sequel BY ANNE BUTLER SlaphRar ing Bugs Bunny cartoon. -Conract your RA for an interme- diary session. partner-in-crime Gene Siskel , It is a fear of nearly every col- BY MIKE PUSKAR What to Do: -Try to get on Springer or an other Editor·il1-Briefs doesn't think Williamson is right lege student. We've all heard the -wear a hat to bed. talk show. for the job. "There are plenty of stories. -wear a plate-mail helmet to bed. Star Wars creator George Lukas great up-and-coming writers out You're having that nice dream -Cut hislher hair in tum. This is a serious has just announced this morning there who'd be perfect for the job. involving you and (insert chosen -Nail his or her possessions to the ing all of us today. problem fac- that he will in fact produce a se- Williamson will tum the sci-fi se- celebrity's name here) fornicating ceiling. Please, if this is happening to quel trilogy once the last two in- ries into a horrific I Know What You in the wilderness, and then some- -Four words: Super glue and under- you, or even if you think this is hap- stallments of the prequel are re- Did. Luke Skywolker." thing wakes you up. You sit up hur- wear pening to you, then follow one of leased." Fans are divided on the matter, riedly in a cold sweat and see your -wear an Afro wig to bed. the steps above. However, he still does not plan some feeling that Williamson is roommate standing over you sil- -Shave your own head before he or to stop this If we band together on penning it. "I don't really like perfect, while others agree with houetted against the light coming she can do it to you. illegal cutting, we can send a mes- the idea of someone writing into the Rebert. from under the door. In your -Get a new roommate. sage that we won't stand for tt... mainstream continuity of Star One fan, however, feels both roommate's hand is .. -wnre about it in The Phoenix. Please - your hair will thank you. Wars," Lukas stated, "But there are ways. Emerald Bay University jun- A pair of scissors .. just so many good ideas in alter- ior Daniel Pyner believes that "a This is not just an urban legend, nate continuities, and the fans re- horrific twist may be what Stat folks. It is an epidemic that is ally want a sequel." Wars needs in the end. Perhaps sweeping this country. With his many fairly recent suc- some Wampas could rip Lando cesses, Scream scribe Kievin Calrissian to shreds." Warning Signs: In other movie news, the -Your hair is sufficiently shorter "Williamson will WPSS's Communication Depart- than when you went to bed. turn the sci-fi series ment is sponsoring a student film -Your roommate starts wearing a tentatively entitled La Chambre du wig in your hair color. into a horrific I President. Directed by an ·Your roommate's clothing is cov- Know What You unrevealed screenwriter, the film ered in hair, and he/she claims it is will feature many big stars. from the cat, but neitherof you own Did, Luke (The English Patient) Ralph Fiennes a eat. The cast includes as the pro- Skywalker." tagonist, Brad Pitt as his defiant son -Your roommate starts selling "hair shirts." (who has a nude scene), and Ken- -Your roommate has a large collec- Roger. Rebert, Critic neth Branagh (The Gingerbread tion of scissors and oils them fre- Man) as the villain, a KKK wizard. quently. Williamson is the lucky dog Lukas There is a rumor on campus that -You have a recurring dream in- has picked to do the sequel. (he undisclosed director has be- volving barber poles. "Scream 3' II just have to wait," come romantically involved with -You suddenly become bald, and ___ the screenwriter said, "The oppor- Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy the baldness doesn't run in your fam- . tunity to write the Star Wars sequel Vampire Slayer).and that she has ily. is just too valuable to pass up." thus also signed on, probably for -Your roommate suddenly takes an Film critic Roger Ebert, whom the role of Fiennes' reserved and interest in the musical classic "Bar- some claim is still talking to his late pious daughter. ber of Seville" and its accompany- Campus Christ tries to change old ways Campus houses nuclear testing BY SLIM PICKENS ClAUaison Continued from Page (-/) Another surprising event in the .Whiteford, and another connecting safety of us students. IfY2K is re- whirlwind of spiritual and social ANW and Blanche. ally a problem, then we'll all have activity surrounding sophomore This system only furthers the a stake out on our lives as soon as Nathan Williams' recently pro- reference to ANW being Sodom the ball drops since we won't be claimed Christ-status has occurred. and Blanche being Gomorrah. If here to suffer. They'll wait until Residents of Westsphincter things go wrong with the project in we're coming back to town and Post Secondary School are pledg- Elderdice, it will make a beeline for anyone with WPSS paraphernalia ing their undying allegiance to the ANW while Lewis will take care showing from the car will be in- Bearded One. of Blanche in a "rain of fire and stantly neutralized. For the past week, there have brimstone." been no marijuana-related arrests One of the entrances to the taken The remaining people will be care of as soon as they see in Roaster Hall. ANW-Blanche tunnel is under the the surprise on the students' faces This heretofore unknown phe- stairway of the covert entrance in nomenon is being hailed as the first front of Blanche. There's a sewer to see their beloved college in a pile of rubble. miracle performed by Williams, grate there, and, at first sight (and On the other hand, the end may who was quoted as uttering the be- smell), it looks like an ordinary come later in the future, in the year atitude, "I gotsta regulate on the sewer. If you shine a flashlight 2037 to be exact. pork products keep in down my down there, however, you will find A UNIX operating system may cannabis-lovin' peeps." a section of brick wall knocked be in use, which is more likely since When reached for comment down from age revealing a pas- UNIX was created before D9S. about the bizarre events which sageway. The year 2037 is very important would allow residents of Roaster to The Rouzer-Whiteford tunnel since UNiX has been counting the peaceably and freely enjoy inhala- TRANG DAM was sealed off more effectively, but seconds from its creation; 2037 is tion of "mad bong-hits" without the Nathan Williams, the reincarnate Jesus Christ, returns as the lion, I still know it's there. Ihave heard when the number of seconds will officers of the Campus Intercession delivering the Lord's word against weed. from some of the alumni stories of rollover a 64-bit number (2 to the Association calling the his own holiness in the quad. For pouring out their donations curfew times. 64th power, represented in binary Westsphincter Police, President Watching with rapt attention, of money and hair-care products, The boys would be locked in code). Dick Tater merely mumbled some- the residents of Roaster Hall and students of WPSS can receive the Rouzer and the girls in Whiteford, We'll be long since graduated thing about the "munchies" and other students ofWPSS cheer fer- blessing of The Big One, a boon but that didn't stop them. They used then, some of us retired, and they'll "hydroponics" before climbing into vently as "The Big One" expounds now thought to ward off the evils this tunnel to pass between the come to get each and every one of his van. on the greatness of a philosophy to of the CIA. dorms undetected, until it was Gathering each morning in front which he gives the appellation "I don't understand it," said one found that it was effective shield- us. It was just going to be me, but of Roaster Hall with bleary eyes "Nathology." onlooker, confronted by the spec- ing from the fallout and walled it if you're reading this report, it has in on been made public, and you're and sticky mouths, Williams' fol- It would seem that "Natbology" tacle. "What's he got that I don't?" up. the secret as well. If we tell enough lowers quickly proceed to where is an amalgam of pure tent-revival Well fair reader, quite simply, With the introduction of the people, the truth will survive our the Hairy One preaches sermons on spirituality and capitalism. it's got to be the hair. Y2K bug, 1 fear for the current doomed lives.