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BIR 1 Volume DMCL, Number 324 Westminster Post Secondary School Capitol punishment Five Upsilon Chi Kappa go nekkid enacted for Bird typos BY BARRY CHESTER GARI;ON "Us girls have never seen such little Hardcore News BlljJ guys run so fast." rimanded in a variety of ways, Seniors Phillip Avery Cheough Art professor Melissa Warren BY LAINI STAMATHIS Co-PhQenuDeity varying from public humiliation in and DUo E. Ross,junior James No, was another bystander. "I see a lot Red Square, by means of a dunk- sophomore Dennis Udant, and of nudes in my profession, but this Newly appointed Bird Deities ing tank or pie throwing, to shock freshman Harry Daniels were ar- takes the cake. I'll resign before Megan Martin and Laini Stamathis treatment for slightly more serious rested recently for indecent expo- they get what they were hoping to announced at their most recent offenses and death for the worst sure. The five men are brothelers achieve by this." meeting that they would be imple- offenses, such as the misspelling of of Upsilon Chi Kappa, a faux fra- WPSS president Dick Tater menting a drastic new method for President Tater's name. ternity, that has been known for its finds the idea of nudity on campus insuring that WPSS's newspaper The new policy was drafted at scandalous practices on other cam- intolerable. "No matter what the was accurate and error-free. a private meeting in the Bird Inner puses in the nation, but the March SGA decides, I control this college The shocking "One Strike, Sanctum. "No one understands the 26 mid-day streaking was the first and will never allow such absurdity You're Out" law states that Bird embarrassment and disrespect an time the fraternity has' ever at- (L-R) Cheough, Ross, and No to be established." editors are now aJlowed to use capi- inaccurate newspaper can burden tempted such a stunt at WPSS. caught in the act outside Lewis. So far, no action has been taken tol punishment methods on report- an editor with," said Stamathis. "So The Up-Chi-K brothers say that who was among the first·to propose against Up-Chi-K, and Cheough's ers that violate basic journalistic ac- we felt that we were the only ones their streaking was a political state- the idea. "He'd have done the same entourage has yet to be called be- curacy and editing rules. who could choose the appropriate ment in favor of the controversial if he had had all the support we do fore the Honor and Conduct Board. Depending on the harshness of sentences." student petition to the SOA for al- now." Alumni are also donating a great About 30 people played witness the offense, reporters could be rep- Continued on page (-4) lowing nudity on campus. "We did to the event, including freshman amount of monies towards the ef- change is on its way said it for Nick Ashun," Cheough fort. Perhaps WPSS experiments of the late Class of '96 graduate Eta Phur Pi sister Constance Ling. forWPSS. with nuclear testing Campus hosts Second Coming high, with a window on each side BY AGENT ORANGE IIY SARAH RADICE Free/anceOperalive facing the cardinal directions. Vatican Correspondent In one corner of the room I can't spend too long on the there's a little black box with a Students were jiwakened computer typing this report for fear flashing green light secured in a their early-morning hangovers last .they will find me. Read carefully; wire-mesh cage. It's said this is a Saturday by the blaring of sirens as and remember - this is all true! beacon so low-flying planes with the Popemobile raced into It all started long before my radar won't crash into the light- Westsphincter and pulled up in Red time as a student here. The U.S. ning-rod spires. Square. government needed some testing It's curious (hat the warning on The Pope motioned for two of space for some top secret projects the side of the box reads, "Anyone his Celestial Highway Pope Patrol- and was willing to pay the college caught trespassing within, sight of men, Sts. Ponch and John, to enter to not tell anyone. this equipment will be shot with Daniel McLionsden. "00 forth and The first project, which is now intent to kill." bring me the one they call Nathan the largest, is housed in the base- The box sits facing the window Williams," he commanded. ment of Lewis Hall of Science, the of Albert Norman Ward Hall so, if Moments later, the two CHiPPs site of some serious nuclear test- anything went wrong, it would emerged from the building with a ing. blow away from the other projects, still-sleepy Williams in tow. The Campus Christ reincarnate, Nathan Williams, beckons the Holy Terror. It started back in the day when like the one in LHS. LHS wasjust a recitation hall, mak- Have you ever wondered why HOy vey, I don't Williams merely responded, Ministry have tattooed Williams' ing it the least conspicuous place the basement of Daniel Mac Lea "Huh?" face on their buttocks as a sign of on campus. houses a fallout shelter? It's so that know what the Big Soon after, the Pope issued a their solidarity, and female students Now it's gotten so intensive that the people on the other side of cam- papal bull proclaiming Nathan Wil- have reported vastly increased use if things go to hell anyone within a pus who aren't far enough away Guy's thinking about liams to be the second incarnation of "'Come on, baby, the world's quarter-mile radius, maybe even a from the blast can run for cover. choosing this guy! of Christ. The bull ran wild, kill- coming to an end" as a pickup line. half-mile radius by now, won't At least, they think they'll be ing seven and injuring eighteen, Members of non-Christian re- even know anything's wrong until safe there. But he's the One!" before the ASPCA managed to put ligionshave been observed mutter- they're piles of ash and chunky The real setup is to protect the it down. ing "Doh!" salsa on the sidewalk. scientists working in the basement The Pope Reaction across the campus was Westsphincter is surrounded by The other major project is in the of LHS. They can get to safety diverse. so many TV crews that astronauts penthouse of Elderdice - the ex- through the underground tunneling growing crowd of onlookers parted WPSS President Dick Tater, de- report it is the only object in the valedictorian's room. system running under campus. to allow his passage to the pressed by the fact someone had area, other than WPSS's tuition, They want us to believe that the The floor of the testing area is Popemobile. usurped his position, attempted to that can be seen from outer space. poor girl living there was impreg- shielded with at least a foot of lead, The Pope took one look at the kill himself by reading Absalom, Longtime campus Anti-Christ nated by her object of lust in the two feet in some places, beneath the sophomore and slapped himself on Absalom in one sitting. At this writ- Rich Suehoski complained, "I've Preachers (back when it was a le- thick concrete with hatches in key the head. "Oy vey, I don't know ing, he is being nursed back to been known as the Evil One around gitimate fraternity, not the cattle locations for escape. This tunnel what the Big Guy's thinking about health by his loyal intern, Har- here for three years now. Why don't sodomizers they are now) and left leads directly to the shelter in choosing this guy! But he's the monica Blowinsky. I have my face on a freakin' her. DMC, to a level below the lounge. One!" Members of the Kooky Kampus Continued on page (-4) She went stark-raving mad and All the people not knowing hanged herself from the rafters, not about the project will be herded into Noose CommunTerre Creatures able to face her family or friends the lounge where they'll think The Pub has with the situation. they're safe, be locked in, and die o:::m:? to its Aqyone want to go nude? cnrisc-retxxm Nathan Funny how this room doesn't slowly of radiation poisoning from C1Jeck cut tiE editorial Williams preaches have any rafters, nor is there any the fallout. senses! 'l1iE¥ re An IIrm:xiest Proposal agajnst pot, 1ll311! evidence of there ever having been There are also other tunnels in serving BEER! rafters in the first place. It's just a the underground system, one of room the size of two Whiteford which connects Rouzer with doubles side by side, and twice as Continued on Page (-3)