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ar NOOSE/COMMUN TERRE Thursday. April I. 1999 Page (·2) An Immodest Proposal (to say the least) Sta h There are those among us who Naturalist Commentator Lisa Dale- VanAuken form of self-expression. The human Editor-in-Briefs have become aware of a recent ill- explores why we should dress as nature intended. body is a beautiful thing to be both Mike Puskar '99 ness which plagues this campus. celebrated and enjoyed. Commander-In-Chief Vile and reprehensible. this dis- akin to the raving of incarcerated human body at leisure allover the Students with natural propensi- Francesca Saylor '00 ease has festered and slewed in felons. campus? ties to disrobe and enjoy their nu- Resident Toon donn rooms. Despite the gravity of the situa- Very few would be likely to re- dity should be embraced by the Abigail Engel '00 It causes atrophy ofthe muscles tion, no one has proposed a better main in their dorm rooms when WPSS community, not regarded as Vatican Correspondent and a degradation of thinking skills cure for ttae illness than the widely- they could be a part of the un- freak abnormalities of a strict and Sarah Radice '01 in college students. accepted home remedy of watch- ashamed revelry outside. Parties, controlling society. Alcohol Pub-lidst In the name of relief, many ing television. Herein, I venture to too, could become a more exciting Nudity also would mean that the Kristen G. Fraser '00 people are forced to confine them- break the bonds of silence and ex- form of socializing. school would be placing less em- selves to a narrow life-style which pound on my belief that the best All said, nudity would make life phasis on fashion, giving the stu Naturalist Commentator Lisa Dale-Van Auken '02 consists of complete submission in way for WPSS to survive boredom more interesting for students. dents a more stress-free environ- home entertainment, namely tele- is to tum towards the age-old prac- Allowing students to-be naked ment. Nude-Sports Commentator vision. tice of widespread community nu- at will, if they are so inclined, will Through encouraging students Mike Yestramski '01 Apparently, such distraction is dity. foster a modern atmosphere of to go "au naturel," the school could Photography Doctor considered the only cure for this Of course, such a drastic change complete tolerance. Because of the also expose and exploit the pres- Dr. R. (see also "Editor-in-Briefs") plague, which, if you have not al- would not be accepted by of all countless efforts by faculty, staff, sures that big business puts on Gel-Laid-Out Editor ready surmised, is none other than WP$S students, but upon further and students to promote the diver- members of this generation to con- Matt Thomas boredom. discussion, one might come to the sity and cultural well-being of this form to industry standards Photographers The first symptoms of the ill- conclusion that turning the school community, it is only common With the addition of nudity to Trang Dam '00 ness usually include weight gain into a nudist colony would indeed sense that the acceptance of nudity the campus, community life is Abigail Engel '00 and frequently mumbled words, have its benefits. be made an addition to the ideals bound to improve. There is no bet- Staph Rat such as "nothing ever happens Consider this: what student ofWPSS. ter way to relieve boredom, encour- Anne Butler '01 here." would be bored in front of a televi- If the school is as liberal a col- age tolerance, and protest industry Often these are followed by an sion if he/she had the opportunity lege as it sometimes claims to be, Revelations uncontrolled, animallike hysteria to witness the glory of the naked nudity should be a nonthreatening labeling than implementing nudity Rich Suchoski '00 at our school. Undercover Staph Writers Slim Pickens Agent Orange Beer's here Deities thwart Limey conspiracy Barry Chester Garcon Advise Her! Terry Dalton As the new Bird Deities, we Megan Martin and Laini You may have noticed Bird De- BY KRIsTEN FRASER The Phoenix Deities AlcoholPub-licist thought it was time to explain a few Stamathis make The Bird ity Megan out in the parking lot (whom Puskar Must Worship) things to the WPSS community. safe for democracy, directing traffic back onto the right . Megan Martin '01 Due to a recent move by Many of you may remember the side of the road and Bird Deity Emily Stamarhis '00 Dean Sayer, the Pub will be "UK 500" scandal reported in the Emily working to restore Ameri- undergoing radical changes. last issue of The Bird. This was the arsenal: Hanson. can-centered classes, like 'The His- The Bird is published annually. Pub and Grille Supervisor AI scheme to transform WPSS into a Then, we forced Spice to an- tory of Baseball from Hirth to The opinions expressed do not nec- K. Hawlik sums up perhaps microcosm of British culture. nounce her "retirement" from The Strike" and "Survey of Rock Lyr- essarily represent those of The Bird the most radical change as The colonization process was Bird and planned her-exile. France ics: Michael Jackson as Eighties staff (maybe they do), the facuJty, or "All alcohol, all the time." led by Deadline Spice, aka Kate seemed a logical place to send the Icon." the administrators ofWPSS. Yes, it is true. The tradi- Hampson, an officer of the Crimi- spy. She is currently there and en- The only thing we have had tional beverages of Coke and nal Investigation Department joys waiting online for hours to problems with is the computer Theeditorreservestherighttoedit Snapple have been replaced. (eID), the British intelligence check her e-mail. Our contacts in Spice bought last year. She some- for insanity, strength, and Iysol and to And wine coolers are just the agency, who posed as Bird Deity. France tell us she is also suffering how programmed the computer to squeeze as much in as space mayor beginning. The Pub staff has From her, the plan flowed into from the excessive kissing that goes magically erase stories, move ar- maynotpennil All submissions and been trained in bartending and changing American spellings to on there and the uncultured, non- ticles and photos across pages, and ideas therein become the property of is ready to serve. Mixed drinks British spellings, forcing cars to British accents of the people. to shut down whenever we really The Bird and will never, ever be re- are now available as the ac- drive on the left-hand side of the need it to work. All kinds of com- turned (IIa, ha, ha, ha, hal) cepted beverage of the 4th road while on campus, and chang- "We drove Spice out puter debugging procedures have Please include a phony name if meal. tug-campus departments into min- been tried to correct the problem you feel you will get the soot beat out Plus, the Pub did not for- istries. Later on, the invaders were by blaring to no avail. Until we can find a of you for wttat you. have written or get the notion of beer. This planning to incorporate British Backstreet Boys cheap exorcist (hint, hint: Cheap are writing about yourself (you con- popular drink is now flowing themes into classes and to cut the . Thrills guy) to fix the problem, ceitedpiece otsnod). Yourrealnames freely through the soda dis- Budapest Program in favor of a music at her and we'll just have to pray to Nathan will be withheld only by the discre- pensing machines. However, it branch of the college in to help us. tion of the Phoenix deities Megan and is only available in conjunc- Westsphincter, England. threatening to pull Finally, to ease the transition, Laini (the two of them have the ulti- tion with the 4th meal. Free We would like to formally an- out the heavy we have instituted a policy of se- mate power!). Otherwise, the Editor- refills are only available from nounce in The Bird, the place where vere punishment and humiliation in-Briefs and Commander-in-Chief 10:00 PM until midnight. the invasion started, that as Bird arsenal: Hanson." on The Bird for those who do not can reveal your true identity if you When addressed with the Deities, we have stemmed the tide follow our imposed will and revert perturb us enough! fact that it is illegal to serve of the Brits. The Deities to Spice's British ways (see related alcohol to all WPSS students, Our first action was to over- article). We hope, by the end of the The Phoenixecea notdiscriminate President Dick Tater is ru- throw Deadline Spice in WPSS's After deposing Spice and mak- semester, to have completed the based on age, race, religion, gender, mored [0 have said, "WPSS first known coup d'etat. After a ing her France's problem, we set American Revolution Part II on the sexual orientation, national origin, has always been known as- a semester's worth of planning, we about correcting the damage of the WPSS campus. We thank you for condition of handicap, marital status, liberal institution. I see this stormed the office of The Bird late early stages of'the invasion. Ameri- your cooperation and know that 00d personality (which is needed to change as a continuation of one night while Spice was busy can spellings are back within the you will do nothing to oppose us. be on staph anyway), or ugliness. We our philosophy of 'the defin- handling the demon computer. We pages of The Bird. The Bird also Otherwise, prepare yourself to suf- will. However, discriminate against ing moment.' And, I welcome drove Spice out by blaring has begun to celebrate American fer the consequences. anyone who has a very lame sense of it." Backstreet Boys music at her and culture with articles about nudist humor (what would be the point of a Surprisingly, the Campus threatening to pull out the humorous rendition of the newspaper Intercession Association wel- otherwise?!). comes the change. An anony- mous officer states, "Maybe if Do not mail to: the drinking is contained to the TheBinf Pub, people will not feel the WPSS need to store and consume al- 2 Collage Hill coholic beverages illegally in Westsphincter, MD 21157 their dorm rooms. We do not (410) 324-DMCX anticipate any social disorder E-Mail: thebirdejflip.edu as a result of this change."