Page 15 - ThePhoenix1997-98

COMMENTARY Thursday, October 2,1997,- Page 3 Blonde Presidential hopeful declares war on bad drivers Morrison I will run for president you find yourself wishing you tons, billboards, buses, t-shirts, Of course, if that same dollars on nothing but the edu- but I will not actually become had Aunt Flo's bull-horn right boxer shorts, and balloons. My driver is on a deserted high- cation of drivers everywhere, president. I suppose I could there in the car with you so you campaign slogan? "THE LEFT way he might as well drive in which is really something. show a little more confidence could shout out the window, LANE IS FOR PASSING the right lane so as to not form And maybe somewhere in a but the truth is I just don't want "The left lane is for passing ONLY (Morrison for pres.)" a bad habit. dark, smoky pool hall on Bak- f'o win; I only want to be in the you *@#l1!@#!"?Manytimes, In the process of gaining I will deal with other is- ers Town Road, in Toledo, race. I'm sure. voters, I will have my slogan sues, of course, like pollution, Ohio, some drunk insurance This idea may sound Now that I've identified all plastered everywhere and any- banning the NRA, and death to salesman will whisper to his slightly insane, but once the of Americas' number one pet where I can get away with it; poachers, etc, but I'm not go- best friend, Ernie, "Gosh that reader learns of the great things peeve, let's get to the good which is just how drivers ev- ing to get obsessed; after all, I Morrison character was a I will do for my country. I will part: the solution. erywhere will finally get the have absolutely no interest in fool!" be highly revered for my de- And maybe my poverty will rangement. How many times have you been driving to Pennsylvania to see force me to spend the rest of The ingenious act that I will my long life wearing the same always be known for will not Aunt Flo, only to spend most of the trip stuck behind some jerk pair of size two jeans. be winning the presidential who thinks that it's fine and dandy to drive in any lane at any 01' The glory I will feel when election, more importantly, I I throwaway myoid bull-horn will be known as the blonde speed? Many times, I'm sure." once and for all, and the time who ensured that everyone in I will save getting 10 Aunt America knows just wh'at the I've taken it upon myself message. actually becoming the presi- Flo's will make my struggle left lane is actually for. to save all humanity (don't Now, I must explain that dent. well worth it. How many times have you bother getting off the couch); there are exceptions to the "left Long after the election is More importantly, my been driving to Pennsylvania I will run for president. lane is for passing" rule. buried, my bright yellow Limosine driver, Chuck, will to see Aunt Flo, only to spend My campaign fund-raisers For example, if the driver of bumper stickers will still 'be thank me for it. most of the trip stuck behind will spend al1 their time solic- a hew Porsche is in a hurry, he clinging to America's cars. some jerk who thinks that it's iting funds from reasonable shouldn't ever get out of the Even longer after that, my fine and dandy to drive in any citizens (Democrats) who own left lane because chances are faded, sort of pastel yellow lane at any 01' speed? Many cars. that not a whole lot of other bumper stickers will still be times, I'm sure. With the funds, I will write cars are racing at over a hun- clinging to America's cars. Etlisa Morrison Benjamin is a And, consequently, how my campaign slogan on mil- dred miles per hour speeds in . Maybe I wont be president, sophomore Western Maryland many times during that trip did lions of bumper stickers, but- either lane. but I'll have wasted millions of student Reporting crime is everyone's duty I Megan Martin I Crime is a major problem in story of the victim, the police out and report their experi- careful around alcohol and today's society. People are al- will be able to, hopefully, come drugs. ways talking about how bad up with a suspect quickly. Witnesses also can report a If you are the victim of a crime is. how its getting worse, Then, the police will be able crime. It is in the best interest crime, here are some numbers and how much they would like to make an arrest before the of- for all not to turn a blind eye. that can help you: to stop it or lower the its rate. fender can cover his tracks or This action will nOI only help -Campus Safety Many crimes, however, go un- get too far away. the victim, but it will_help the x202 reported each day. All of this will lead to a community be a safer place in -Smith House Many people are afraid 10 re- quicker trial and possibly even which to live, work, and play. x243 port crimes thai are committed a conviction. In the end, the Catching a criminal prevents -Student Health Services against them. community as a whole will be someone else from being a vic- x700 This fear is understandable much safer with the offender tim of the same offender. -Rape Crisis Intervention Ser- because not many people want behind bars. It is a person's moral obli- vices of Carroll County to talk to a stranger about how Of course, that is an ideal gat ion to overcome his or her 857·7322 violated they feel. situation, so to speak. Many fear and sense of violation to re- -Westminsrer City Police That's exactly what a crime situations do not work out that port crime. This boosts both the 848·4646 does; it violates a person's way, especially if the victim victim's sense of security and ·c)'\'roll County Emergency sense of security and self. does not know the attacker. . well-being as well as those of Room Those are some weighty things the community. 857·6700 to be discussing with police-of- In this case, the police will To give some statistics: at -Maryland-State Police ficers, lawyers, judges, and ju- have a harder time coming up least 50% of female students 848-3111 ries - people who are, in many with a suspect and making an have been subjected to soine You can also contact the cases, complete strangers. arrest. In the meantime, how- form of sexual assault, up to a Resident Assistant or Residence That sense.of violation one ever, the story can be made pub- quarter of all college women for your floor feels after being a victim of a lic knowledge at the victim's report being forced to engage in Life Professional and any mem- or dorm building crime soon turns to fear. Many discretion. sexual intercourse at least once. ber of the Campus Safety staff. WRITE A :3-0R4 PANEL people become afraid that their Public knowledge can help One suggestion for avoid- Just remember, to be the victim COMIC STRIP SCRIPT attacker will return to do more people be more aware of the ance of assault is to go out in of a crime, any crime, does not harm if they tell the police. dangers they face with a crimi- small groups. According 10 the mean you are at fault or were ask- STARRING RUFUS THE Despite these fears, people nal on the loose. For this rea- WMC pamphlet Don '1 Face It ing for it. The crime was commit- BOBCAT (YOU CREATE who are victims of crime need son, people in the community Alone, 57% of all sexual as- ted by someone else, and they need HIS PERSONALITY). to overcome them and go to the will take more precautions and, saults happen on a date and 80- to be brought to justice and the at- AND IT COULD BE FEA- police. In most cases, this ben- hopefully, will be safer. 90% of sexual offenders per- tention of the community. One TURED IN A FUTURE efits everyone in the commu- Another benefit would be sonally knew their victims. should not withhold valuable infor- nity, including the victim. that someone might recognize The pamphlet also reveals mation from police or other en- ISSUE OF THE PHOEN Reporting a crime as soon as certain details of the attack or that 55% of all sexual assaults forcement agencies. ILLUSTRATION COUR- possible after it occurs enables suspect and will be able to help involve the use of illegal drugs TESY OF ART EDITOR the police to use the evidence the police find the offender. andlor alcohol by either the of- MIKE PUSKAR. trail while it is still fresh and Also, such a report could en- fender or the victim; another Megan Martin is a freshman com- "Prizes will be determined fro intact. With the evidence and courage other victims to come reason why women should be munications major. issue to issue.