Page 77 - ThePhoenix1984-85

February 21. 1985IWealem Maryland CollegelPage 5 .tiD seconds on camp-us ....sleven Ro."'''''~~ ~_'!''""_1 Should administrators be Live with a diet, allowed to house animals in or die by the fry their on-campus apartments? MOM: Why do you pur- My parents are on a diet again. posely eat less than I do? This comes as no shock, however, because this is their DAD: (all innocence) I don't 400th contiguous diet. (If know what you mean, DEAR? each diet they ever tried was ME: (the much maligned strung together, the chain son, speaks for the first time) would stretch from the earth Excuse me. I'll have a ham- as we know it today to some burner-wen done, an order of distant planet.jIrn not exactly french fries, a Greek salad sure when my folks were and a large root beer float. transformed from thoroughly DAD: Son? thin -to pleasantly plump, but I ME: Yes, Dad? imagine it occurred sometime DAD: Shut up! We're emu- between Nixon's 1972 trip to ing--Have some respect for No, If they aren't No. If they can, we China and Watergate. us dieters. And I like them that way. The meal itself is quite conslstant with the should be able to Short and well-rounded. This uneventful (except for some rules of the stu- also. We are pre- IS not to say that they are the occasional grunting) untit it ,people. 10,.gel along comes to pass that I am ~siest dents, then the stu- sumably as respon- with. My parents have two enjoying my meal while two dents are less likely sible as· they are_ major character Ilaws: break- other people, who shall re- to follow the rules. We are adults. ~~t~::ts and vlctlmizmq non- main nameless, are not. Dee Kemmer Lynn Fangmeyer Matt M,.rtlnl.u,~1e~c:i~~;t I (~~~d~~~;:~ Act II Eating (or The Me- • _Jonathan Slade -A ·o/atl·on of dIgnIty that I am) ~lways end up ment of Tr:ut~} . • Dea: VI going on a diet whether I like How s your carrot at hls foo,d) th D~D: (picking The reasons it or not lor this, hearts With Nowadays, a person must phone. "What've you got?" tears open a cardboad box, as you shall -eee. are quite sa~~e~. (picking at her food) go through_hell to rest in "Our cheapest offering has and then a plastic bag, to get subtle. Okay.. And your zucchini peace. thirty-twotypes of flowersand at some dry soil inside; tlJe Trtle:OinnerOf Our Discon- sq(u 8reS?d D d a pick- Indeed, before a body is a branch off a mango tree. It earth-to-earth. ashes-to- tent M om an a ce S8 even cold, a series of events retails around one hundred ashes, dust-ta-dust routine Setting: Maggie's of West- ing their food and stare at is set in motionthat makes an dollars," a pseudo-cordlatsa· follows as the once-carefully minster Me.) extravagantdomino construc- Jespersonresponds. packaged dirt slips from the TIme:Wheneverwe eat out. ME: (smiling) My hamburger non look like child's play. The "Gee, that's a little out of my Father's fingers. And the fu- Act I: Ordering (or The Art is just great! first major ritual is the viewing. price range. Have you got Here,throngs of obscure rela- anything else?" ~~~Ith~~e~~c:sm~~i~~~yk~~~ of Driving Those Around You (VERYLONG PAUSE) lives crawl from the vast cor- 'Well, governmentresearch- in this business. ~utso) f~OM: (to Me) Can I have a ners of the nation to sob over ers have verified that there is Thus, the formalities con- As Act I opens, we find the ME: No. (I pull my plate a person who's been pumped a direct relationship between elude, and people return to Rossman family happily close to my body.) full of more preservative than the amount spent on flowers the home of the deceased to seated around the table. Mom DAD: Son, if your mother an Oscar Meyer wiener. And, and the intensity of love for smuggle out priceless vases and Dad are scrutinizing wants a fry, I think you should in many cases, these long· the deceased," comes the before some sort of inventory every inch of the menu so as give her one. distance mourners do not answer. "What were you, is taken. Jealously tater-arises not to miss a low-calorie ME: I thought you two were even recall exactly what·their buddy, an illegitimate son?" as the will is read: even the (cheap) special. I, on the on a diet. . relationship to the deceased "No, a family pet. Okay, I'll lowliest rug, that has been other hand, order on the MOM:Passthe fries. (I pass is. "He was a seventh cousin, take the mango tree," the permanently marked with basis of my low threshold for the fries.) I think," one might say, know· depleted moumer now reo beagle urine, becomes sa- hunger-cost being no object. For dessert, MOM (tonight's are atm. The lights the diet having gone down the :~ a~~~t~~a~h~~~O~ J~\~~ ~~~~' ~;~~,d I'll need it to- cred and the subject of dis- music (FM 102) is low. A tubes) .orders a fudge pute. Everyonewants it if for sum in his bank account. "Tomorrow, I'm afraid that's no other reason than to sim- waitress stands nearby, pen- brownie. Dad (who is ''pure,'' "Gosh, he looks so lifelike," ~impossible," the salesperson ply possess something from cil at the ready. having stuck to his diet) or- another relative may gag out; cries. "We need a three week the estate. ders coffee. I order a chaco- the intonationof ttas-excema- notice on all orders." Somehow,all of this. chaos MOM: (a not-ready-for- late. sunda.~ tion, however, suggests that "But he only passed away the departed member of the Tuesday..." ~;e~s ~~9h~~~n~~;t~~~gi~~e~~~~~~.~~~~~~~er) What Act ~Ijl: Dessert (or Name family looks even more alive "I'm sorry. He should have last week, most of the pre- DAD: (the only reason he's That Scapegoat) than when he was breathing. given some sort of warning." ceding insanity occurred, and dieting is because Mom is) MOM: (playing with her Surely, many of the 'sappy So the one hundred dollars someof it hasyet to subside. Somethinglight. (pause) What brownie) How's your coffee? comments made at the side are spent and the fUneral Certainly, if he had been are you going to get? DAD: (gazing into his cof- of the open coffin are enough postponed. there in mind as well as body, MOM: I don't know. Wait a fee) Fine. How's the brownie? to induce the corpse to blurt But, when the big day does he would have objected to minute ...This looks pretty Mom and Dad cease talking out one last- bodily function. eventually arrive, those who these shenanigans.In fact, he good: Chopped carrot hearts and stare at Me.) This, indeed, would be a are present bear witness to even had his doubts about with a low-calorie contiki ME: (smiling) My sundae is fitting response to such the bizarrest of all events." the existence of God and sauce.. delicious! drippy, sentimental cliche. After a short church service, And all the while, the funeral the coffin, which has more Heaven, and he said that DAO: That DOES sound . As Act III comes to a close, home' directors stand by, chrome on it than most high when he died, he wanted to good. (something's up here) I notice the sparkling stainless hands folded loosely in front, school hot rods, is carried to be buried with an electric fan But I'll just have the fresh steel spoons which wearing a smile stolen from a the grave site and placed in a !~S~~~t~:~: s~~~~~:I~~."was ~~fchi~~~~a~~'s~uh~e~ ora- magically. appeared wrinkled and rotten [ack-o- harness. This cloth contrep- parents' eager hands. .lantern. tion lowers the coffin into the On the day of his funeral, Dad has laid the bait and and Dad's eyes glaze The next ritual for mourners ground when an electric though, the fan was not Mom is going to take it. I also with emotion. They will involves the purchasing of switch is thrown. All refer- among the many props in the know that despite my amiable professional help. flowers. "I'd like a funeral ences to formaldehyde, fun- graveyard. The famity thought character, I will become the I sigh and pass the arrangement,"a now-calm ret- gus, and kicking the bucket !~t a~~~r~~uest was simply Lno_n_-d_ie_te_r_s_ca~p_e:.go_·a_t_ag:.a_in_.__ 'a_te_s_u_nd_a_e_. ative might say over the tele- are avoided as the priest __J