Page 54 - TheGoldBug1953-54

1954 Tel; Me, Doctor .• Psychiatrist Reveals Unique Contortions He said he was "kind. scared" Enabling liFe To Begin At 240 Pounds -c-the senior who wandered into our office a couple of afternoons There seems to come a period in time you pull on last year's trousers. ago. - everyone's life when he imagines It is a rather well known fact that "Geez, here I am going out to face himself to be getting fat. Sometimes, being fat can often cause a person to the world, and all that," he said. "And _to be sure, the person is mistaken. become overweight, which is injurious I don't,particularly want to. I don't But all too frequently those ounces of to health. Therefore, someone--name- see what good I can do. Why don't superfluous ftesh have been piling up, ly myself-should attempt to straight- you all write something about that in causing a general bulging of the skin en the American public out concern- the GOLD BUG 1" I and that curious ripping sound every ing this arresting obesity problems. We're not usually given over to Of course, the first question a philosophizing-it's not our depart- slightly inflated specimen will .nat- ment-but one thing we have learned Lone Girl Wrecks urally ask is, "Am I getting fat1" in newspaper offices is that "things This is a good question and can be are n~ver as bad as they seem." Meal Ana History answered quite simply in two differ- what does a college graduate have ent ways. Initially, a simple rule will to look forward to in this year of 1954? The five guar-d-dogs around the suffice, namely: Your weight (in Not much, the Pessimists say~ There's bloated feet of Herod gazed lazily past pounds) should not be ten times your Indo-China, and Korea, and Geneva, the crooked rows of the dinner guests. height (in inches). That is, if you and Senator McCarthy, and germ war- The king was throwing a big one- are 65 inches tall, you should not fare, and long-range bombers, and celebrating the birth of a new wart weigh 650 pounds or in excess of that. super bombs. And above all, a general behind his left ear. Drinks gurgled in feeling everywhere of doubt and in- the dusky lamplight, and the queen 'Friend Reaction' decision. slapped her stomach -which had The second method of gaining a The Quitters say, "What's the use?" spoken out of turn. She was the only clue to your corpulent qualities fs What's the use of trying to plan for female in the room-seated beside the called "friend reaction." Glance over the future-even for a year or so-- stuffed pig. the list of phrases below-some are when the world is all crazy and mixed- Fig meringue pie with Hindu glop vulgar but must be listed unchanged up and no one knows where he's spilled on the king's orion toga as he in order to retain the original rich- going? whirled at the sound of a disturbance. ness of expression-and try to re- We say "nuts" to the Pessi- at the door. member if many of your chums have mists, and say this to the college "Daddy!" It was an anxious female addressed you lately in the following graduate of '54: things are not whisper. manner, or something comparable. ' as bad as they seem. Men were "I gotta .. -. 1. Whale belly ready to quit, back when the bow "Silence, daughter." 2. Gibraltar hips and arrow was invented. They "But, daddy-I gotta ... 3. Two tons of ugliness wanted to quit planning for the Daddy spouted meringue in desper- 4. Plump rump future when gunpowder was in- ation. 5. Lard barge Whewl What a dreaml vented. Military aviation and Paternity Ward If, after adhering to the meagre poison gas boded the end, not The form of his daughter, Salome, rules above, you have found yourself only of war, but of all-humanity, glided into the room, tilted nervously to be slightly overncurished (let's Reporter Unearths Pair Of Baffling early in this very century. near the first table, looked hurriedly, face it-fat), it is lotical that the By Crime Cases In Local Hoosegow But through it all, this old world searchingly, to the right and left- next question will arise: "How do I has somehow managed to keep on then, snuggled under her father's get rid of all this poundage?" spinning, ~generations have managed aromatic arms. carefully testing and retesting, I A GOLD BUG reporter happened of Ludwig, the dog liver salesman, to keep on living, and people have "Dear daddy; I hate to disturb you have found that three simple exer- to be rooting through the Westmin- and slipped him an object resembling found ways to be happy. -but, I've gotta . well (blushing) cises, if faithfully performed daily, ster Police files and came up with two in some ways a note, although it could So in this troubled time, the play is, I gotta find a head. Please tell will produce rapid and serious re- fascinating crimes; they are present- have been a piece of paper. we think, to go ahead and plan and me where one is. I know one is located sults. ed as authentic case studies for any- work, and hope for what you want. beyond one of these doors, but The Agenda one interested in police methods. Records state that a week before, Take things as they come, keep tell- I'm sort of afraid I'll choose the Exercise #l-Lie flat on the stomach. #l-The Oaee of the Left Leg a famine had hit the town, and as there was nothing to be had at the ing yourself "better days are ahead," wrong .... Draw up the right foot until it saloons, Plugger mentioned that he because things aren't as bad as they "Salome, sweet," he burped, "you touches the back of your neck. Disappearances was headed north and left. This seem. don't 118ve to be so insistent. You Then, carefully and without chang- On the night of September 30, 1929, caused everyone in the saloon to lapse " Ju£t,.dot;'t. all'.!:us where or when or don't need any more playthings. Go ing your positicnr stand up. Do this Henry Anthony Smith disappeared into a profound, brooding silence; all, how. we're not given over to philoso- back upstairs and find your Capt. for an hour or more each day. from his \Vestminster home on Green phizing-it's not our department. Scipio alphabetical blocks-and play 'Exercise #2-Repeat exercise Street. No one seemed to notice for that is, except Ludwig the dog liver salesman, who erupted from his seat till the brawl-uh-party is over." #1. awhile, but finally a note was dis- with a vulgar laugh and raced out of Gallup-ing Along ... With this, she jumped up in a Exercise # S-Stand rigidly on the covered in Smith's bungalow. It read: the building on one leg. strangely final way-standing first on heel of the left foot. Without bend- Help I We took a poll .. _ ing over, touch your left foot with j'vedi.nppe"NOd! Henry Smith Good news hit Westminster a few The G.B. staff whipped up a little one table, then the others. your fingertips approximately 100 hours later as hungry masses con- questionnaire a couple of weeks ago, "A head, Daddy! Now!" times. Search Commences greated outside Ludwig's Dog Liver He tore another Leghorn from the to see what students in Dean David's royal roost-and laughed. I might add a helpful note here. The hunt for poor Henry was im- Shoppe to receive, at huge prices, a sociology classes think of WMC's stu- It has been found that rolling the mediately on, and the peculiar facts of new shipment of meat. It was noticed dent newspaper. Seeing no response forthcoming, the case recalled a similar incident by some that the proprietor of the Results were interesting, to say the the impoverished Salome got a far- body is beneficial in the process of which had occurred just two years store cut the meat from an animal burning tissues; therefore, up least. We're planning a full story on away look in her hazel eyes, tilted her 'truly conscientous person will-if the he before. The Police Department files which had its head almost between its toward the eighteen-year-old frame the results next fall, but here is a East wind, and kissed her pet collie. has a job not too far away from home showed that on September 30, 1927, knees. little preview; it was a middle-of-the -roll to and from work each day. a girl named Henrietta Coggler was Suspicions Aroused road deal, with "good" and "fair" re- Then, with a sudden abandon, This simple little exercise, simple dragged from her home by her left No one saw Plugger for upwards ceiving most of the checks in such looking like the bust on the bOw' of leg and never seen again. of a month. The Westminster sheriff categories as news coverage, features, the Hesperus, she grabbed a violin, though it may seem, leaves the ner- However, this girl had a cousin, became suspicious and formed a posse editorials and sports. tied a written request to the G string, vous system feeling stimulated and Winfred Lawrence, who had been a expressly to detect the old prospector. There was a section with ques- and threw it back to the orchestra. refreshed. tackling dummy for Harvard in 1922. McKee's body was never found but tions "Which page (or articles) The music began. So did she. You may now safely ask about food. On October 17, 1929, Lawrence was do you read first?" and "Which Around the room, up the tassles of Happily I conclude by stating that apprehended and questioned. It was his clothes ,,;ere located on the Old articles do you not read?" Sur- the potentatial drapes, across the zin- if the principles set down by the admitted by the former tackling dum- Moose Trail about two miles from prisingly enough,· the GOLD nia centerpieces and into the bass author are followed energetically, the my that he often had the urge to drag town. At this point, there was a mul- which showed that of tracks titude BUG seems to get read (sooner lyre, out over the floor, pausing at the participant need not worry about food a person by his left foot, but hadn't Plugger had obviously struggled with or later) from front to back by air-conditioning vent-she danced. at all. been feeling up to it lately. a rather sizable turkey. A fried over 90 per cent of the students Dancing Digestion Letter Gives Clue interviewed! He was released, and for two years chicken wing lying nearby was identi- The object of the whole thing was The men in the gathering were the strange mystery nearly forgotten. fied as the murder weapon. A long unfruitful search followed to locate weak areas, and work on passionately chewing all the celery In desperation, Captain Larson, of the '"tiuring which hope gradually waned. out of the stuffed fowls. them; in keeping with our policy of Still the dance burned on, and by Harriett Co'oley ruthless Department of Chicken In- The year 1545 came with still no "service and continual improvement." th·rough. SCA Vice-president spection, was called in on the case. solution to the slaying, but a decade Progress, that's our motto. "Please-somebody-a head!" Through an unsigned letter, the police More a b o u t our questionnaire The last page in the chapter 1953- and Larson were led to a ramshackle later, the unsolved crime again later. screamed she. 54 of SGA history is about to be grabbed the limelight when it was Getting no response from her; ever- turned over, and it's time for a sum- house on the outskirts of town. On reported by a curious tourist that immobile father, she took gauzey mary and review to refresh the mem- the third floor, in a clothes closet Ludwig, the dog liver salesman, had THE GOLD BUG matter into her own hands. Resolutely, ory. The new Student Activities guarded by a siamese cat, were found feet shaped like a turkey's. the bodies of both Henry Smith and she began tearing through her three- quarter length veils--one, two, three- Committee, the Booster Commit- Henrietta Coggler! The police of Hectic Trial imploring; "The head-where is it?" tee, and the Freshman Advisory Westminster were horrified, but not Trial was begun a week later. The -four, five, six- Council were either outgrowths without action. After a fight, the cat defendant confessed to having turkey "Stop!" shrieked the chaste ma- of this year's council or carry- was arrested and brought to trial. It feet, stating that he had been in love ternal one. "Anybody-run out to the ing-out of last years plans. was proved guilty a year later and with nearly every female bird in Member prison-grab the first one that's in Homecoming was under the list of fined $50 for sending an unsigned town. At this juncture, it was recalled Associated Collegial. Press sight!" SGA activities and if you can remem- letter. that Ludwig had barely escaped be- "No, mother Hercdias! I don't mean ber back that far, it was a good one! #2-The Legend of Plugger McKee ing s-hot several Thanksg-ivings ago. Subscription Price $2.00 a Year --oh-all I want is a. ." Many ideas and recommendations In the late 1490's, Westminster was . As to the murder of .McKee, the "Well, we'll make it as you order, concerning chapel were passed through a gaudy sphere of gaiety, due to the dog liver man tearfully produced a Edilor_in-chief Gu. LaMar,'1>5 my lovely frustration. O. K., as she the SGA, but for varied reasons, not gold boom which had appeared there yellowed sheet of paper dated June, ManaginA: edilor __ .__ Carol Coleman, '55 says-get Johnlv much was accomplished along that several years before. One of the lead- 1497. It stated simply: News edllo", MarIJyn Goldring, '55 • Mary Lee Younger, '55 It was a rapidly executed order. line. The SGA proposals concerning ers in the search for gold was a small Dear Ludwig: Feature edilo", Geo.-ge Gipe, '56 Just as Salome was preparing to be- The people of W""tmins\.er are dying am Tribby '56 the chapel program itself, however, little man named Plugger McKee. ufthefamine. so ple""eoook me and serve Spor'" editor Lea W"rne"r. '56 come the coldest figure in history, six have been adopted and should provide Plugger was stoop-shouldered from to the townspeople free of charge apply_ News·{eature editor Kay Mehl, '56 ing a light brown gravy ....hile .tirring COpy edilor Linda Skinner. '57 servants rushed in---carrying a new- us with more satisfaction next year. years of looking for precious metals Typl~g Bev Reiber, '56 ly-deleted head -laying it at the Let's hope we have a little less and consequently walked with his gently at tOO"F. Delieiously. BUSINESS STAFF quivering feet of the girl. trouble with the observance of campus rlngger Bu.in ... manager __ J"im M.....ball. '55 Her toes turned up in an inter- traditions, particularly in the chapel head almost between his knees. are still With cheers from the courtroom for Folks around Westminster ~~~h~~~gand~'l~!:r ..tion_C~:&h s~"::N:::: rogation point; and, the most mis- exit. ~ talking about the day Plugger stag- Plugger McKee, the case closed. Lud- interpreted woman in literature sank Carpe Diem was renovated, but not gered into the Fishhead Saloon, all wig was convicted of overcharging Fran Chiriehillo. Ann Mackert, MuUy Har_ ge~t. Earl Finley. Pat Riclor, Rags Baum, to the tiled floor. because of the SGA suggestion as the covered with tartar sauce. He winked the public and sentenced to an asylum i:::lg~m,DiOkShenton,DutSnider.Gluri& Ther hadn't \!ndcrstood. administration beat us to it tht time. 'at an unsavory character by the name for criminal turkeys.