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would lessen the effect it had on me. And while joking about
all of this did help me come to terms with what I did, I never
questioned why it happened.

What’s funny, or could be horrifying to some, is that when
I found out later on that Lisa got big and pregnant, I stopped
caring about her—mostly because she got fat. Maybe her
being fat and having a baby were just convenient excuses I
used to help me get over her and the entire trip. Or maybe the
fact that I stopped caring the moment I found out that she got
chunky and unattractive to me meant that I never really cared
for her.

Going back to how this all began, I remember now how I
felt at the time.

I remember fear.
I remember pain.
I remember despair.
I remember loneliness.
I don’t mind being alone, but loneliness is something else
entirely.

Loneliness is a cold silence.
And in that silence I would hear all of it.
Thoughts.
Memories.
Emotions.
I would hear all their screams, all their curses.

I’ve tried shouting back at it before, but all that happens is
that:

My chest would tighten.
My breathing would get heavy.
My muscles would tense up.
And it would all make me want to run.

It makes me want to disappear.

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