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It makes me want to stop existing if only for a
moment.

I contemplate from time to time about ending my life, but
I don’t like the finality of it. I just want to take a break. I just
want to sleep. Maybe for a week or two—then wake back up
and move on with my life or something. Maybe even dream
while I sleep.

And maybe while dreaming I can live my ideal life.

But no.

This is exactly how this all started. I kept clinging into
meaningless ideas and destructive desires. I couldn’t just stay
in the now and enjoy the company of those around me. I had
to go craving and wishing for things that will never come and
I never will be. And by doing so, I slowly made myself
miserable to the point where I momentarily slipped into the
realm of insanity and lies.

I rejected myself because I couldn’t find or get what I
wanted as me. I had to be other people. I had to go
somewhere else.

I wanted her—no.
I wanted to be loved. Again no.
I wanted to be validated.
I lived for so long thinking that I’ll never amount to
anything unless someone—a girl that I like specifically—
accepts me.
That was my mistake.
Understanding the difference between what I want and
what I need is something that I should have focused on
instead.

I wanted validation.

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