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How To \'lri te a' Book

         Never having written a book myself, but having seen people in the

clutches of said disease, r feel not; only able, but compelled, to \,/ri te on

the subject with uuthority. Hence, the following steps are presented to help
anyone who woul d like to \,lri te a be st-sell er ,

        &tep 1: Topic. O..oose something about \,lhieh you know nothing. This
is to confuse the reader as mueh as possible, and also to give students a
good deal of practice in doing research papers in college.

         :.'ltep 21 Time. bet aside at least t.wo years of your life  as The Time To
\1ri te Ly Book. You \,/i11 probably find later than an extension     of this period
by five or six years is ncces::.:;ary.

       btep 3: Living exp en se s- As time p rog re eee s , be prepared to move into

the cheapest room you CU;1 find. as it becomes more and Bore difficult to live
on less than nothing, be prepared to lie, steal, cheat, run, or beg your way

out of any situation.

Step 4: \'1 riting.     This, of course, it; the least of your p robl eias , After

you've chosen your topic, start writing on ii. Don'~ make any sort of a plan;

for this, again, will serve to confuse the rv.:der. Don't worry about this step;

it is only secondary to the problem of kee_t':uG alive.

btep 5: Title. If, at tho end of your a Ll ot.t.ed time span, you've, by

chance, completed your masterpiece, it is time to choose a title.     The title

can make or break your book. Try to r.u.akeit as obscure as possible-as    far-

fetched as you can get from your topic. This vlill send p eycht at.r i st.s and

Freudian scholars mad trying to find a double meaning and an ulterior motive.

step 6: ~'iailing. Put a stamp on your precious piece of art and send it tel

the nearest publisher.  you may noVl sit on pins and needles, and bite your

nails while waiting for tl-le long white envelope which will tell you of YOLl.rfut.ur.

;,:,tep 7: Future. If, by chance, your manuscript is a cc ept ed , you may

relax for a ,>.hile and in the limelight of your f'ame, If, however, you

are one of the nine-cy-nine-out-of-a-hundred     whose works aren't accept.ed, you

have two alternativesl  either start over "'lith :':>tep1 and waste another six

Or eight years of your already shortened life, or quit nO\,1and become a math


                                                         Barbara 0chwartz

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