Page 155 - ThePhoenix1997-98

Wednesday, April 1, 1998 - Page 3 THE BIRD Pro and Con: Is sleep really necessary? An army of common citizens moving about all night would take Bed E. By can think of the dark from criminals and other nefarious individuals. This would nothing better than make it much harder for these catching a few zzz's scoundrels to ply their trades in public. How would you like to have a Criminals are by nature cow- product that was free, allowed you ards. Cowards always avoid some procrastination time, allowed strength. The numerical strength of you to direct and star in your own a society running on a 24 hour movies, and made you feel really schedule would encourage many of good when you were all done? them into seeking employment in Sounds like the college student's the insurance industry. dream to me. Life on 24 hours could be more Although this product doesn't fun. After putting in eight to ten always work and sometimes you hours at the office or shop you have to ignore it, it is definitely could still go out with friends and worth more than the.price you've have a good 01' time. Plenty of time paid for it. Everyone can use this for beer, for sports, for movies. product, but it is not found in a Plenty of time to communicate with store, in a mail-order catalog, on a your family. Just more time. web-site, or on a home-shopping With all this time we could take network. up new hobbies. Have you ever Okay, so what is this product, wanted to learn to fly a plane? Well, you ask. Alright, so I lied. It's not now you can. Take up horseback really a product, but it is something A WPSS student is caught napping. Is she enjoying her own private movie screening or indulging in the biggest riding. Learn new computer skills. 10 man waste of time known with which we are all familiar. I have always wanted to know how It's ... ta-da ... sleep. everything is a mystery. That's Adam Dean can't imagine scratch, smell other dogs, go in, to play the tuba. In a 24 hour world As usually over-worked college why they are so cool; you can sit sleep, etc. It gets very repetitive. I would have plenty of time to students, I believe we all value the for hours discussing them and what a less productive way to What else is there to do? Dogs learn. And no neighbours com- time we spend sleeping. It can be they mean with your friends. spend a night don't read books or watch televi- plaining that they can't sleep be- a rarity, something that only occurs The best part about sleep is the sion. They don't have jobs. Dogs cause of my practicing. for a few brief hours every week. I way you usually feel when you Why should we sleep? You are never assigned homework. So, Sleep is easily avoided. Coffee, know I appreciate those last five wake up. By that I don't just mean could say we need it to rest, or to how does a dog fill all this time? that sour brew, black as bile, can minutes of sleep I squeeze in be- the act of getting out of bed; there rejuvenate. Hogwash. By not filling it. He shuts down and be a friend in avoiding the oblivion fore an 8:20 class or those 20 min- is a lot more to waking up than that. Haven't you ever rested with- goes to sleep. of sleep. Certain sodas, pills, crack, utes I sometimes have between Sleep is actually good for you, and out sleeping? Do you remember People are the same way. Be- and pornography can keep anyone classes after a long night of ex- if we could all manage to get more sitting on the grass on a warm day tween the hours of midnight and 7 from falling asleep. Trust me, I tremely hard work. sleep than we normally do, we'd or slumping in a comfortable chair am there really is not much to do. know what I am talking about. There is no greater procrastina- see a lot fewer zombies on campus. on a bitter cold winter's night? How many times can you go to In closing, I would like to say tion device than sleep. There are So that's it. My point is that Of course you do. And. you didn't Wal-Mart? You can always find that sleep is bad. It is a luxury other devices of procrastination - I sleep is good for you, and that I have to sleep. You just rested. after-hours clubs and other assorted which society can no longer afford. am an expert in that area, but how think too many people don't get amusements to keep you occupied. In this modem world there is no many times can you clean your enough. I know I don't, although Sleep is bad. It is a But even these grow old after a time for boredom. If streetlights room, watch endless hours of bad some people would beg to differ on short period of time. Like dogs, can turn night into day and instant Aaron Spelling TV, or clean out that point. luxury which society humans sleep because they are communications can put us in con- your refrigerator? You can always Sleep is also a good excuse for can no longer bored. tact with those on the other side of hang out with your friends, but, procrastination. What could be a This is a shame. So much could the Earth who are enjoying the they have work to do sometimes. better excuse than doing something afford. be accomplished if we didn't sleep. light, why should we not come our What's left to do but sleep? that is free and healthy? If you Just think of the possibilities. and enjoy the night? Now, I'm sure you're wonder- know of one, let me know. Most creatures sleep because Building projects would take The productivity sleep robs us ing about those movies I talked For now, I've got a huge paper they are bored. Look at dogs. They half as long if people were willing of is appalling. The average human about earlier. I confess, I was ac- to write for one of those classes I must sleep 23 hours a day at least. to work 24 hours a day. The work- sleeps 8 hours a day. Those eight tually talking about dreams. I look attend, despite the fact that I'm not They sleep like this because the life ers would be paid more and pro- hours add up to a lot of down time forward to the bizarre picture quite awake for most of it, but first, of a dog is very boring. Sleep, get ductivity would go up. In college that could be used to find the cure shows that play in my mind while my bed looks awfully comfortable. up, eat, go play in the yard, dig a and school, homework would be for cancer or developing new ways I am asleep. They're even better I think I'lljust close my tired eyes hole, sleep some more, get up, eat, done faster and papers could be fin- to feed children. But we don't do . than Melrose Place. With dreams, for a few minutes ... go outside and do your business, ished in mere days, not weeks. this. Instead, we sleep. Quirks: The truth about the Nut Posse Risking her life, Anne the Resident Assistants! The real and everything (they even have tiny Butler reveals the secrets reason all the RAs left was because nuclear bombs!). of the squirrels they were pushed out by the Nut Oh god! They're coming! Posse, and replaced with those who Don't let them take over! Take They're after me. They want to are sympathetic to the furry-tailed advantage of the split! Divide and kill me. The first article I wrote tyrants. Who will be next? The conquer! Avenge mel about them made them wary of me. Posse has even hatched secret plans AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH' When I tried to be a good journal- to convert us to their ways. OC- ist and investigate further, they de- TAA, Glop, the horrible parking IIEEE!/I IISquirrel sounds!ll II cided I needed to be silenced. Right conditions, Macintoshes, and per- EEE!I! IIEeeeee.l1 /I now I'm hiding from them in a se- haps in the most insidious plan of EEEEEEEEEE!I! IIAngry Squir- cret location. I write this in hopes all: the Posse has called on their rel Sounds!!1 IlEee.!! II that someone will find this and brother rodents to make OUT dorms Satisfied squirrel sounds'!l learn the truth of government of unsanitary and unclean! this college. The real rulers are not Our only hope lies in the wid- "YOU HAVE READ NONE the British but the squirrels. ening the schism appearing in their OF THIS. NONE OF IT IS The squirrels run this campus, ranks. Separate gangs and factions TRUE." posing as innocent and neurotic appeared. Minor skirmishes have From their tree-top hideouts. the Nut Posse plan to prevent the British takeover of WPSS and make the campus their own animals, they are secretly directing already occurred. The unfortunate The Bird regrets to infonn its our every move. They control death of five students earlier this readership that Anne Butler has for the entire Butler family. We toothpaste, We have been as- Prime Minister Dick Tater! They month is only the first open battle met an untimely demisedue to a also wish to inform our readers sured that this ad will have as pull the puppet strings of all the de- in a war that threatens to tear this freak accident. The Bird ex- that Anne's column will be re- much content and quality as partment heads! They even select campus apart, destroying everyone pressesits sincerest condolences placed by an advertisement for Anne's column ever had.