Page 154 - ThePhoenix1997-98

THE BIRD Sticky Bun Drop Herbie Hindstinx (Eric slap his precious piece of anatomy Barry) on the latest onto that sticky mouse trap. BY EMMANUEL STEBI.ER SP·EDRebe! pastime o/WPSS students I've heard of the wrestling move the sticky bun drop, but now While many WPSS students When I heard the news J am the sticky anatomy drop!!! !!! The headed home or flew South during about to tell you, I was very dis- sticky bun drop performed by Moe Spring Break, a group ofWPSS SP- turbed. I learned of an incident Lestme is dangerous enough but ED students journeyed to Mars where a sophomore here at West- this new bold act involves a sensi- with their fearless leader Agent minster Post Secondary School tive part of the anatomy. Orange. dared a freshman to put his urinat- For 10 dollars this freshman got The purpose of the trip was to ing device on a sticky mouse trap. recircumsized. Was it worth it? discover any signs of life on the For a measly 10 dollars the I think this childish act can be Red Planet. What they discovered freshman did it. attributed to alcohoL The partici- was amazing. Since when has Alexander pants were probably drunk. I just "Human-like creatures actually Hamilton been in such demand, or hope there wasn't a mouse on the live on Mars," exclaimed senior I just hope this craziness doesn't become Lucifer Wilson, an avowed atheist. "Everyone has red hair and green the next fad. First semester it was having eyes." sex with a new person every night. Mars "Obviously, come the inhabitants of Ireland from must based upon their physical traits," did this kid just have to prove his mouse trap when the freshman commented Gold Dust Spring, a manliness. This freshman must be stuck his stick on the sticky trap. WPSS senior. watching way too much Dawson's That was a mouthful. Oh get your However, the Martian popula- Creek to do a crazy thing like that. mind out of the gutter. tion does not come from Ireland, it He completed the dare in pri- Ijust hope this craziness doesn't is indigenous to our neighboring vacy. The privacy of a Rouzer become the next fad. First semes- planet. bathroom stall. I know because I ter it was having sex with a new Previous expeditions to Mars was looking through a peephole person every night. This semester never revealed any signs of life, not that me and my gay lover carved it will be sticking your anatomy on even last year's Pathfinder mission. out. It is right above the toilet pa- a different sticky trap each night. The WPSS voyage to Mars per so you can wipe and watch. Maybe there really isn't a found the answers to this and sev- I'm lying Ididn't really see the mouse problem in the residence eral other unanswered questions. incident but my gay lover, Herb halls. Possibly students are just The Martian people spend 99% Utzfatt did. He told me all the de- getting their jollies off on these of their time in an extensive sys- tails. As he was looking through sticky traps. tem of subterranean tunnels con- the peephole he saw the freshman necting hundreds of underground Freshmen to receive communes. "We spend our time out of sight because we fear the potential inva- special drug education sion and exploitation of our natu- es- Students on the recent field trip 10 the red planet were curious to find out by Earth beings, ral resources pecially the Americans," said if Martians give special housing to their SP·ED programmes too Spring. and how that might to the States MARY Jo CANNABIS main suppliers are. Kjebleni Iopanior, the Martian Psychedelic EdilOr affect our immigration policies." NASA initially approached "We will also teach students spokesperson who bears a striking Many were surprised to find Agent Orange about sending some Shocked by the recent drug ac- how to use the drugs safely and resemblance to Australian actress Mars. tivity on campus, WPSS Prime how to revive friends who may Nicole Kidman. there has neverbeenawaron harmony," of her prized SP-ED students said to Mars. A NASA spokesperson "We live in peaceful Minister Dick Tater announced have ingested too much of a cer- "Mars is so beautiful, under- said Iopanior. they discovered the seniors recently Monday that the college will offer tain substance. We feel this is im- ground that is, with bountiful "The Martian population is ho- took a class on aliens. "The stu- a mandatory class for incoming portant information that our gen- resources ...trees, oil, precious met- mogeneous and they live commu- dents' insights fascinated us on this freshmen entitled "Dealing and us- eration did not have," Tater said, als," said Gold Dust Spring. "But, nally. These are major implica- topic," he added. ing: How not to get caught on adding that Cheech and Chong will I don't think the Martians need to tions," said senior Sbarky Rugbum. Actually, the entire voyage was school property." get the drugs at a reduced rate, sav- During a press conference held ing the college millions. in McDaniel Lounge in the wake After passing the class, students Every once in awhile, the Martians do get a little wild. They do a of a dealer recently arrested on will be allowed to deal and use little drinking and gambling and dance around in feathers. campus, Tater said the class would drugs on campus as long as they be offered beginning in the fall of are not caught by either campus 1998 and would be taught by control or local police. If any stu- worry about the U.S. exploiting "I can't understand why some of a plot between the SP-ED profes- Cheech and Chong. dent is caught, he or she will have them. We have more resources now those dumb asses on the trip were sors and NASA to do away with the "It's important for students, es- to take the class again. than we've ever had." so surprised." pecially freshmen, to enjoy the "I'm excited about the program. Over the years, many scientists "We have so much to learn from nasty seniors once and for all. But mid- the evil plan was discovered whole college experience, but we This should definitely attract future have denied any possibility of life these people, and I'd love for them way through the trip. also need to protect the school's students," said Mary Jane Baked, on Mars since the planet's atmo- to come visit Earth and teach us "Thanks to the Martians supe- image. By instructing freshmen on minister of admissions, adding that sphere is too harsh and lacks their communal ways," said Wil- rior technology, we were able tcf using and dealing drugs discreetly she has been a long-time drug user enough oxygen to support life. son. return to Earth," said Agent Or- without infringing on other stu- and will offer any pointers she may The Martians amazed the Actually, iopanior explained ange. "I'm so proud of the students dents' rights or attracting the sus- have. WPSS students with their technol- that Martians have already visited for sticking it out." picion of the local police, the col- "I wish we could've had a class ogy which the group's science ma- Earth. They have portrayed Irish The SP-ED seniors are now lege will avoid future ugly inci- like this. It would've made fresh- jors found especially interesting. people in American films, and since safely returned 10 their box on cam- dents," Tater said. man year a lot more interesting," According to Mars' leading sci- Martians are genetically superior, pus, and they're busy writing their The class will be held from 10 said Sally Buzz, senior class presi- entist Adfioperi Nmonim, the red they are not a burden to Earth's pm until 2 am on Fridays and Sat- dent. Many upperclassmen are pro- dust on Mars contains oxygen. The health care system, she added. papers based upon the experience. how to write a "I don't know urdays throughout the semester to testing that they will be denied Martians developed machines Every once in awhile, the Mar- paper and relate this to our class on prevent freshmen from being influ- valuable information and experi- which convert the dust into oxygen. tians do get a little wild. They do a aliens," lamented biology major enced by upperclassmen who may ence by the college's choice to ex- They create water by combining little drinking and gambling and Infant Robot. "I'm much more not be educated in drug dealing and clude them. the oxygen with the hydrogen con- dance around in feathers. comfortable in the laboratory." using. Tater stressed that this will Faculty and staff, including tained in their skin, Nmonim added. "I like the feathers," exclaimed "If I don't get an A, I'm going be like normal classes with several Tater, will have the option of at- "The Martian technology is in- Ron RUnner, a senior who brought to nag the professors like I always tests and papers and a final exam. tending and experiencing a class of credible," said Marshmallow Fluff, some feathers back from the trip. do," said Gold Dust Spring. "The To pass the final exam, students their choice throughout the semes- a senior biology major. "But, I re- "We have special places in Min- fact Idon't read the books couldn't will have to successfully set up a ter. "We want our educators to be ally don't care about the implica- nesota for these people if they ex- possibly have anything to do with drug ring without campus control as informed as our students," Tater tions of these discoveries, espe- peet to come to our country to drink my paper grades." finding out who the drug lord or the said. cially if the Martians might come and gamble," said Gold Dust