Page 153 - ThePhoenix1997-98

The people who brought you the Phoenix now give you... THE~BIRD Volume LXIX, Number 432 Westminster Post Secondary School Wednesday,April I, 1998 British Invasion plans Five dead, Seven wounded unravel at WPss in brutal squirrel drive-by 8Y SPIKE "BYRON" JOHNSON BY BAIUlA!tA WARTERS According to Spice, the changes Homicide Reporter M"ckraker have already begun. For example, Five days ago five WPSS stu- British spellings are already infil- dents were killed and seven were Conspiracy. Deception. Take- trating the campus. WPSS's pro- wounded in the latest vicious act over. This is what the British gov- fessional theater company is using of squirrel violence. The incident ernment has in store for citizens the British spelling of "Theatre on occurred at II pm when a squirrel across America. Leaks within the Hill." gang known as the "Nut Posse" WMC's highest ranks have ex- From next semester, cars on opened fire on a group of students posed the largest cultural change of campus will be required to drive on who were walking to a party at one this century in the "UK 500" scan- the left hand side of the road. Al- of the Pennsylvania Avenue houses. dal, a convoluted scheme that aims though mass chaos has been pre- Westminster police report that no to reform American styles, culture dicted, the Administration is ignor- arrests have been made yet. and language. ing student complaints. "It was incredible," says survi- "We have tried to hide the evi- In the immediate future, the vor Dirk Stoner. "A group of us dence, however there seem to be names of departments will be were walking along, minding our leaks from within" explained Pub- changed. Instead of Admissions, own business, when out of the cor- The leader of the "Nut Posse" shows no remorse for the brutal attack. lic Propaganda Assistant Dan Shoe- Student Affairs, and College Ac- ner of my eye I see this car coming roving gangs of vicious dope-deal- on their asses!" maker. There is evidence that tivities, department names will be up from behind us. I didn't think ing squirrels that populate the In response 10 the increased WMC has agreed to be the leading changed to the Ministry of Admis- anything about it; I mean, jeez, it grounds have long been a fact of safety measures, the Nut Posse participant in exchange for an in- sion, Ministry of Student Affairs, was a Hyundai and 1 was already life for students and faculty. But broke into Glop and spray painted creased endowment from UK offi- and Ministry of Activity. Accord- drunk and you just don't expect evil lately their attacks have been get- obscenities on all of the walls yes- cials. ing to Prime Minister of Adminis- things from a Hyundai. Then I see ting bolder and more brutal, lead- terday. "It's amazing," says man- The infiltration process has be- tration, Dick Tater, "This new sys- the windows roll down as it passes ing Prime Minister Dick Tater to ager liff Collihoon. "That's prob- gun with Deadline Spice, a citizen tem will implement the type of bu- by and all of a sudden I see the institute new safety measures, out- ably the first time ever that of the UK, controlling the primary reaucracy we have sought for years squirrels, their bandanas gleaming lined in a speech to the student someone's wanted to get into Glar." source of infonnation on campus, here at WPSS. Anyone who doesn't in the moonlight, and the barrels of body two days ago. The Ministry While the students generally had a The Bird. Spice, who is posing as understand the value of this is a their guns. I don't remember get- of Control will now be allowed to positive reaction to the colorful a 19 year old sophomore, is actu- bloody fool!" Minister Tater also ting shot...but I do remember the carry automatic weapons, and a graffiti, saying that it enhanced ally a British Intelligence Agent emphasized the importance the new sound of their insane squirrel special action team of southern their dining experience, the admin- (BIA). "Our goal is to introduce endowment source will have on the laughter .. .that will probably haunt hillbillies will soon be brought in istration is reportedly furious and cultured life and speech into the college. me for the rest of my life." to trap the wily squirrels, who have considering the use of land mines States. We seek to be agents of The English, History, and Po- This drive-by is just the latest so far eluded capture. As Tater to rid the campus of its squirrel good will by improving your qual- Continued on page 4 incident of squirrel terrorism to hit announced at the conclusion of the problem. ity of life," she explained. the campus. Harassment by the speech, "it's time to get medieval Students hope for peace soon. Water tower breaks a "I know that the school had a prob- before I came lem with the squirrels leak, floods area here. But I decided that would be a a small price to pay for attending repu- college with such an excellent tation as WPSS. Besides, I'm from Miraculously nobody was in- BY SOLOMON JARDIN DC, I thought I could handle it. But Administrationlrritont jured or killed, but that can prob- ably be attributed to the fact that it's just too much. I don't know Three thousand gallons of mu- many students were away on spring how much more of this I can take," nicipal tap water rushed out of an break vacation when the event oc- says junior Deke witsall. 8-inch wide hole in the side of the curred. As WPSS braces for the next college water tower last Friday Nonetheless, the near flood con- incident, sophomore Judy Johnson morning at 12:30 am, causing sev- ditions proved to be quite a scare echoes the sentiments of her fellow eral residents to flee the area for for those students who chose to stay students with the question, "Why eater and higher ground. on campus during the break. can't we all just get along?" The accident appears to have "I was in my living room watch- Inside been caused by a 50 year old rust- ing a movie and the next thing I ridden pipe, located about 12 feet knew my couch was surrounded by '3·'I,!"i§,'£';' up the tower, that suddenly broke, water," said Rush N. Waters, a se- authorities said. mor. Pro and Con: Who needs sleep It did not take long ~ only a Some residents were awaken by few minutes ~ for the running the sound of rushing water and had anyway? water to flood the nearby Pennsyl- to evacuate their homes while still Features 4 vania Avenue houses. half asleep. "As I walked by the gym I could "The dream I was having was see a stream of water coming out," an exciting one," said Walter Falls, Glop goes gourmet: Cordon Bleu chef to join the staff. said Noah Ark, a junior who was a sophomore. "I wish this never returning from a night of drinking happened." Other stuff 2 and partying at Down Under, a lo- Once the pipe burst and the leak cal bar formerly known as Champs, began, Upton Creek, a junior who SP-ED program visits Mars as when the incident took place. "It lives in a house on Pennsylvania part of their senior project. was incredible, I couldn't believe Phoemx 1 my eyes." Continued on page 4 Just days after this picture was taken the water tower flooded Penn Ave. Flip the Bird!