Page 99 - ThePhoenix1990-91

May 2, 1991 Western Maryland College Page 3 "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Coca-Cola" Joe verucnl's Pat Buchanan "It is just not prudent to drink This is not conducive to study- After the Buzz Each night. after the last stu- sodas and cat snacks in the li- ing," Neikirk said. dents leave the library, what is brary. Prudence is how we as a He also thinks one of the rea- left behind is a plethora of un- community will preserve the sons that students don't think sightly trash for bugs to be at- appearance of the building, and twice about snacking in the new News From Nowhere ... tracted to and cleaning staffs to keep it a nicer place \0 sit and library is because they were so GIANT PICKLE KIDNAPPED attend lO.David Neikirk, Hoover study," Neikirk stated. He also accustomed to doing it in the old Library Director, calls for the suggested that when students one. "Tbcoldlibrary wasamess, Thunderbolt C. Paul, - Foreign correspondent and uuvctcr ex- cessation of snacks and sodas in need to take a break, they should the amount of snack related gar- tra-dinaire the name of preservation. do so in the lounge, also known bage there was out of control," After viewing a commercia! on low frequency radio waves, mistakenly "The food crumbs in the new as "The Commons" "There arc said Neikirk. He believes that a delegation from the planet Sirnouup kidnaped a library make it a very hospitable vending machines and furniture now that we have a new library giant pickle from the growth farm of Hurry C. Horrorwitz. a place for bugs, spccificall ycock- made to take more abuse in the we should treat it with tbcrcspcct long time resident of Brazil. roaches, and when they finish the lounge," said Neikirk. it deserves. The Stmotatpians leua note that, when decoded by NASA. crumbs, they tum to paper and Some students become an- One student, who admitted to reads, "We have taken your young, we will study its growth paste." said Neikirk. Although gered, hostile, and even aggres- drinking soda in the library, said, paucms and will then determine if your planet's imcuigcmtifc in the inter- to warrant enough inclusion form is sufficient the problem of people carrying sive when asked to leave white "I knowwc shouldn't crap up the snacks and drinks into the library eating or drinking, according to library, but we need caffeine." galactic coalition of soccer playing planets." is getting better, a problem still Neikirk. "I have been called a Another student expressed her The mistake is so enormous that the United States govern- docs exist. middle aged, overweight, seden- opinion by saying, "I woke up ment has arrested the CEO ofthe vfnssic corporation for airing Neikirk said, one Monday tary librarian by some who think this morning and wamcdacupof the commercials wbichdcpict a stork delivering pickles instead morning he saw dozens of soda it is their constitutional right to tea, J knew I had to do some rc- of babies. cans in the waste baskets, potato snack in the library," Neikirk search in the library, so I thought An emergency Joint effort is being launched by the Soviet chip bags laying around. a quart said. Hejokinglyreplied, "I guess I would sneak the tea in. It is Union, the United States.and the world soccer league to II)' and orange juice box sitting on a table it is their right to life, liberty and weird, but this is something we catch the spaceship before it leaves our solar system congealing in a sticky puddle, the pursuit of Coca-Cola." think about." WORLD ROBBED OF WATER POLO and even an aromauc. half eaten The tables' tops in the library Most students would agree Harry Perry, Sports Correspondent salami sandwich. "Go to the city are covered with a plastic lami- thai the new library isa very pleas- The break down in Bloc politics saw its firsidrasuc effect on library ," Neikirk suggested, "and nate that is very resistent to stains ing place to study. Neikirk says, "The New World Order" tate yesterday sec if you can walk in with a and scratches, but unfortunately "I care. This isa brand new build- The break up of the Eastern Bloc and the apathy ofthe West- milk-shake in your hand, you they are black, which makes ing and 1 don't want to work, or ern Bloc, combined with a new rise in nationalism, led 1O"1n can't do it!" crumbs and rings of soda ex- have students work in a mess. If international dispute as to where this year's water polo cham- Neikirk said that awareness is tremely visible. "The syrup in 1000 students usc it as a snack pionships were to be held the key to keeping the new the soda causes the pagesofbooks bar, then it will bccomecrummy, After studying the findings of ,1 thirty nation commission, library's cleanliness and appeal. and magazines \0 stick together. See TRASH, Pg. 10 Col. 5 the international water polo committee dcrcrm incd that the only feasible location for the championship was in the middle ofthe Pacific ocean mid-way between the South American and Aus- tralian coasts. The games were into their third and final day when a giant tidal wave ramc upon the noatcua and destroyed all of its con- tingent ships. The only survivor in the tragedy was Michael N Nipolois, the goalie for the Brazilian tcarn. who just happened See BUZZ, P:;. 10 Col. 1 ,)I ~tco~;'~~,~:~~,;'~:~~a~;LY ~~. "t;!I~ ~~~~~~AL/GROUPCOUNSELING NEW SUPPORT GROUP NOW FORMING -;;~0 ~~~~~RO~~~~I~G -. "",1 f }. ACCOMPANIMENT TO POLICE. COURT. HOSPITAL INFORlv1ATION PRESENTATIONS All coun.sellng and support services are free , RAPE CRISIS =- ) ,,_ INTERVENTION SERVICE SUMMER STUDENT .. . ",i.{'-- FITNESS SPECIAL -~ HOTLINE: OFFICE: 3 MONTHS $99 ~---=----- 857-7322 857-0900 4 MONTHS $"135 • Polaris • Lifecycles • Lifestep • Swimming. Aerobics. Free Weights 'FAN'S • Steam Room • Whirlpool • Sauna .p..-:-r...., One Year Memberships are also @ available at Special Student Rates GREAT GRADUATION GIFT! CHINESE RESTAURANT Szechuan· Cantonese· American Leisure Health Spa 59 West Main St, Westminster, MD 21157 425 Manchester Rd .• Rt. 27 Telephone: Westminster· (301) 848-2020 (301) 848·0919· (301) 876·3166 ,- - .