Page 85 - ThePhoenix1988-89

April27,1989IWestern Maryland College/Page 5 60 Seconds on Campus Helen LowetWe:ndy Rudennan What is your greatest fear? Not finding ajob after Michael Dukakis will That SuperFresh will That I won't pass the That uncool people graduation become President, the close during week- math proficiency test will wear tie-dye trade defecit, and my days, theyre the binge in four years roommate, Dan Bud- masters son Coleen Foley Jim Seeker Drayton Heard MikeSabo Lauren Brumbach Dr_ H. Ra Stevens Stevens proposes solution to Greek troubles A MODEST PROPOSAL TG The process is simple: facuityand students. Designated Drunks will be for- Student Health Center are de- LEAD TG THE SOCIAL AND GREEKS, change your names col- I) DESIGNAlED DRUNKS. mally initiated into the fraternity or pleted, and by the general social lethargy of the designated lovers CULTURAL REGENERATION lectively to TOWARDS A MORE Select sophomores who were sorority after their regeneration; who join the majority of students OF THE GREEK SYSTEM AT SOCIALLY ACCEPT ABLE known to be heavy drinkers as and they will be able to observe listlessly attending classes that are WESlERN MARYLAND COL- DRINKING POLICY AND A freshpersons. Prime candidates soberly the activities of DESIG- taught listlessly by professors with LEGE HEALTHIER LOVING AFFJN- should be those woo try to crash NAlEDFACULTY AND STAFF the listless approval of Student The debate over the positive ITYGROUP.NUMBER I (and 2. fraternity/sorority parties and at the all-night party the college Life. A statistical analysis in tum ._,. and negative effects of the Greek and 3, et cetera). cause altercations for which frater- sponsors for seniors the night be- will bereported to faculty and staff. system at Western Maryland Col- Toassumethesociallyrespon- nities/ sororities are occasionally fore graduation. The long-term The reward of the pledges in lege has raged for at least fifty sible context necessary for the blamed. Designated Drunks implications for the social regen- this sub-affinity group will be two- years, and I have listened to the complete acceptance in the college should have a THREE YEAR eration of Western Maryland Col- fold: they will be initiated into the debate for thirty-five of those community as suggested above, I HELL PERIOD during which they lege are obvious: this three-year fraternity/sorority during years. Only recently has the insight propose that you adopt the follow- drink as follows. SOPHOMORE cycle will continuously regenerate HEALTHY LOVING WEEK. and come to me in a f1ash of divine ing procedures to assure compli- YEAR: drunk on Mondays, Tues- itself, and will reaffirm the trinitar- will be allowed to wear a Healthy inspiration about how to conclude ance with the ideal of selective days, and Thursdays (Thursdays ian concept on which Western Loving T-Shirt and carry-sus- all debate and to solve all problems social and collegial regeneration. are especially important because Maryland was founded. pended by a rosary from the Crater- relating to the existence of a colle- which seems to be central to West- this fits the conceptions of con- 2) DESIGNATED UN· nity/sorority paddle-s-a transpar- gial fraternity and sorority system. ern Maryland's disciplinary pol- cerned faculty who regularly com- HEALTHY LOVERS. Pledge ent bag containing all ot the pack- I apologize not to have seen the icy. Simply put, pledge as many plain that students miss Friday students who REFUSE to use con- ets, empty of course, obtained from obvious solution before now. but new members as you wish. but be classesbecauseofbang-oversfrom doms. How these pledges are to be Student Health during the three rational thought simply has failed: careful to select them in three Thursdaynightpanying);JUNIOR selected is best left to the discretion years the pledges have participated all who know me will certify that groups. I suggest three groups YEAR: drunk on Tuesdays and of the individual affinity groups. in thehealthy loving program. This Greekdom has been my constant because that connotes a trinitarian Thursdays; SENIOR YEAR: With unhealthy lovers, follow a will alsoaffmn the effectivenessof intellectuaIconcernsinceI first had connection with the Methodist drunk only on Saturdays and Sun- pledging procedure similar to that Student Life policy, and faculty my paddle signed, in front of Episcopal Church that founded days. If you follow this regimen suggested for designated drunks, and staff can leave for summer Memorial Hall, in the fall of 1955. Western Maryland College. Three religiously. faculty will notice that lest you be condemned for dis- recess feeling morally rejuvenated, Certainly, Greeks, if you fol- also parallels. in collegial symbol- the socially regenerative policies crimination. SOPHOMORE because they realize that they par- low my advice you will be summa- ism. the three major constituents of of the new affinity groups are YEAR: no condoms allowed on ticipate in a caring and loving soci- rily accepted by the socially con- college life: Greeks, non-Greeks, working. campus security will no- Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thurs- ety. scious elements of the college and faculty and staff. tice that the designated drunks are days; JUNIOR YEAR: no con- 3)DESIGNAlED DRUNKEN community. And certainly faculty The three special groups of not out dririking on Thursday doms allowed on Tuesdays and AND UNHEALTHY LOVERS. and staff, not only will you under- pledges that you select will be I} nights. and Student Life will so Thursdays; SENIOR YEAR: The ideal of course will be for you stand and adopt my rationale, but DESIGNAlED DRUNKS. 2) report it to the final faculty meeting condoms must he "seQ at least onCe to recruit all pledges in this cate- you will also never again be sub- DESIGNA lED UNHEALTHY of the year. Faculty and staff will every day of the year. The success gory. It goes without saying that jected to the repetiton of the debate LOVERS. and 3) DESIGNA lED then be abletoleave thecampus for of this program will be judged by with 3), Student Life will insure about the dereliction of Greek so- DRUNKENUNHEALTHYLOV· the summer recess feeling morally the response of local physicians that a1l of the practices 'of 1) cia! responsibility that you pertici- ERS.Iofferthefollowingcollegial regenerated. who will begin to complain about See Modest Proposal on pated in at last month'_s faculty suggestion in the spirit of coopera- Therewardforthesub--affmity lost revenue, by how often the pageS meeting. lion that ought to exist between grouppledgeswillbetwo-fold: the supplies of''1bree for Free" in the """ , '.\\,,',,','" .vv, ~,\\'.