Page 111 - ThePhoenix1984-85

April II, 1985IWestern Maryland CoUege/Page7 60 seconds on campus _Steven Rossman _ What is your reaction to only Rej~ction letters. one Jan. Term requirement? of hidden meaning Dear Mr, Rossman: your future success (which Thank you for your interest will probably not be with our in our organization (ahem!). firm)..." This is called reading We have (not) reviewed your betwee~ the lines. And re- qualifications (for three member, as nice as they months) in light of our present seem, each place turned me employment needs. Unfortun- DOWN for a job. ately, there are no openings Chemistry majors have their at t~e present time,(you didn't share of problems getting ac- qualify). In ,the (unllk~ly) event cepted at universities. See if of an opemng, we will b.esure these don't sound familiar. to contact you (and If you believe thaL). "We re~lize that fo~ m.ost Thankyou for thinking of us. students (ie. YOU) a teachmg (we've already forgotten you) or researc~ appointment IS and good luck in the future, necessary In order for them Sincerely... (you) to be able to attend graduate school, and (ahem!) The above, if you have not we are sorry (so sorry) that already guessed, is called a many promising chemistry rejection letter (along. with my students such as yourself will own commentary in parenthe- not be able to continue their sis). Rejection letters, such as studies at (put any university this one, are quaint, upbeat, name ~ere)..." Doesn't this regretful and touching all at s~und like a I~tter your father the same time. They also might have written?' I like having Jan. It is fine because It is to the students ~~~~:r~~r sen-esteem in the See if. y~u can follow this Term. We should be whoever wants to advantage Another interesting point example. As you may kno~, able to take as take it can. about rejection letters, is that we have many more aopu- they are some of the most cants each y~ar than we are many as we want creatively written prose in our able to admit (tsk, tsk~ ~e- second only to ~ause of the necessa~ h~lt~· and not be charged country _ Martin "roast" lions on enrollment, It IS Dean extra for it. speeches. If you look care. unfortunately the case, th,e.re· Estelle Alemogela Andy Stefanelli Bill Boyody ,fully at the letter, however, fore, that many.well-quallfled you can see that the informa- students (excluding Y?U). mu~~ tion can be summed up in be rlefuse~ admlss.'on. four short sentences Put stm- Whew. A little lonq-winded 'You work in a vegetable?' ply: "Dear Low Life,'We don't and confusing, isn't it? If sending a nasty fetter in need you. We don't want you. Don't call us, we Will ~rob~bfy' reply is too bold for you, continuedJrom page 6 what was supposed to hap- And then there were time not call you. Have a ~Ice life. maybe these rules will help pen. Reality reigns in the egg the vaccuum mechanism Not very encouraging. . you keep a stiff upper ego business, however, and the broke while t~ suction cups But take heart! After the first when applying for a job or Not exactly. machine never failed 10 de· (and eggs) were in mid-lift A 100 rejections, it gets easier. university. My first task at this unique viate from this intended rain of white objects would fall Remember: 'If you send out place of employment ruth- scheme. In fact, i inherited to the floor, creating a yellow, 5,000 resumes and get back 1) Be selective. Don't send a lessly shattered this miscon- The Loader when another ern- translucent goop that kept the 4,900; there's still 100 possl- resume to any firm that is ception, for 1, a veritable ployee could no longer han- resident fly population forever ble acceptances. Right? beneath your station. That is, greenhorn, was assigned to dle its rigors and had to be healthy. Actually, rejection letters, no menial labor, heavy con- run The Loader. The capital hauled away in a rubber van. Furthermore, problems like any other piece of litera- struction work or selling letters here are intended to But the boss assured me that arose when the flats were ture, can be readily analyzed women's lingerie at a K·Mart, denote an almost Biblical re- I'd have no difficulty running placed on the conveyor back- and put in their proper per- 2) Be neat and keep your spect for this machine, since "her" (for some reason trou- ward (yes, in this business it spective. They usually run resume down to one page. it was easily offended and blesome mechanical contrap- is possible to put a square about eight lines in length Don't include your name, age, could choose to ruin one's tions are always discussed 'Objecton a belt improperly). If (the shortest one I've seen weight, species or favorite day at its merest of whims. with feminine pronouns) and I this was done, The Loader was 4 fines, the longest ran color - these things are not Specifically, though, my duty was thrust behind the grind- would after several seconds, 18), they sound like letters required by law. was to remove egg-filled flats ing monstrosity. Me, a petri- begin to grind and smoke. your mother could have writ- 3) Never, 1 repeat NEVER, go (which look like the bottom fied college student who Then suddenly, the entire line ten, and they leave you with a to your mailbox alone. Always half of an egg carton, only didn't even like omelets. jerked to a stop as a stream glassy-eyed look which your go accompanied by a close they hold two and a half of eggish innard oozed out of friends tend to ignore. They friend dozen at a lime) from seven I soon discovered, though, the machine's base, coating are also purposely confusing. 4) Remember: The more re- foot tall racks, and place that a vast assortment of the floor with a thin slime. For The following are selections sumes you send out the these flats onto an ever-adv- problems could occur. For the rest of the day, I would from various letters I have higher the probability of get- ancing conveyor belt. In instance, when I would pull a have to ice skate back and received (along with appropri- ting an acceptance. This theory, each flat would then flat off the top level of the forth between rack and ate commentary): "Although means send out no more than move down the line and even- rack, which is well above my Loader, trying not to break my we were impressed by your 10,000 resumes and no less tually exit my sphere of con- head, an egg would occas- neck (or for that matter, any background (you're unquall- than 5 cern as a mass of suction sionally slip out of its pocket other bodily appendage). fied), we were forced (told) to 5) Keep your rejection letters. cups pulled tne individual and smack me between the After my fi rst week on the limit the number of scheduled SOmeday you will become eggs out of the cardboard eyes. But the conveyor con- job, though, my kind-hearted interviews (since we get president of an organization containers and picked these tinued .to move, and I had to boss wandered over to my bored easily and needed a or university which turned you dirty-shelled novelties up into keep pace with it. Sometimes post and asked what I vacation)...1will pass on your down way back when you the washer. The empty uats. I was forced to wear this thought of of the whole egg resume (to the trash can) and were a young college gradu- finally, returned to me on yolky mess for hours, until an washing industry. hopefully something will de- ate. The signature on the another belt and I stacked observant passer-by noticed "Well," I wearily e)C~lained. velop (such as green tetter wilt be the only way of them neatly back on the criqi- my predicament and tossed "it's not everything its cracked mold)...Our best wishes for knowing whom to fire first nal rack. This, I. empnasize, [s .ma a roll of paper towels. up to be." L -------------'