Page 54 - TheGoldBug1952-53

'2 The Gold Bug, May019, -1953 qllq tu, q. A. q. The Charge Of Hill Bows Before Girl Admits Sprin The Bite Brigade Bunny Blitz Finally Has Sprung (To commemorate the dining hall Ever since it snowed Palm Sunday episode of April 25th, in which three A News Bulletin when I had just sent my winter coat hundred starving males somehow to the cleaners, spring has struck me managed to wrestle a table away from Of The Futu~e as being mighty unpredictable. Not five or six helpless cceds.) July 20, 1953, Westminster: Western until I see positive signs that it's Half a league, half a league, 'Maryland College disappeared last here to stay-and I don't mean some Half a league onward. night under a white, crawling mass of idiotic robin either-c-I'm going to be All in the hall of death wary about mothballing my longies. Chal'ged the three hundred. long-eared protoplasm. At first, the This year I suspected it was here "Forward the Bite Brigade! residents of Westminster surmised when the lethargic person across the CaptU1'e the tootes" he said. the danger of th~ rabbit invasion to hall began howling for a tennis rack- Into the haU of death be merely a trifle; recent develop- et while she up-ended her closet in Charged the three hundred! ments, however, and the possibility of the city itself eventually being bur-ied search of her gym shoes. But a draft has resulted in a franctic investiga- from somewhere rattled the papers on Females to 1-ight of the m; tion, which is gaining inertia by the my desk and made me sneeze doubt- Females to Tight of them; moment. fully. Surrounded by hungry femme "You going to play tennis?" I in- TV ho hollered and thundered. Mad Magician quired unbelievingly, as she burrowed Clawed at by Jane and Nell Well-informed probers state that through high heels and evening gowns Boldly they charged and well about the beginning of May, a mad and finally emerged triumphantly Into the mouth of Hell magician on campus ran wild with with an antique pair of keds. "Isn't Charged the three hundTed his rabbit-pulling act. From this ob- scure initiation, the hare horror it kind of cold?" she snorted "Kind of coldl" scorn- Flashed all their knives so bare, spread to a local pet shop in Old Main, fully. "It's invigorating. Look at all Gleamed the fake eilmerware, and from there to Blanche Ward the people on McDaniel's porch." The situation was not partie- Pnlling the females' haiT, Hall. annoying at first, as it was pos- Tho last time I'd really looked at C/w..roing the coeds while uar-Iy during examination week, to McDaniel's porch was when it was sible, All the staff wondered. walk unobstructed to and from dormi- swarming with young ladies gleefully Pllt1lgcd in the perfume-8moke tories and halls of testing. By May throwing buckets of water on frat Right through the line they broke; men. Now as I gazed blearily out the Grabbed they a table there. 28th, however, the rabbits consti- window, it was swarming with even Battered three hundred! tuted a major traffic problem, as ve- more young ladies, this time gleefully push the through hicles could not , When can their glory fade,! quivering mass at a greater rate than Darn! All over my term paper! soaking Up' a sun tan while they o the wild charge they made! five miles per hour. genially" stepped on each other in an inch of every spare effort to utilize How To Beat Around The Examination All the staff wondered. June Dunes space. Yet monrn for the bl'ave!y slain; With the arrival of June, the warm "Looks like a cross section of Coney College students! With exams com- question on an exam! Is proto- The wild chargc was made in vain. weather, and the consequent lifting Island," murmured my friend en- ing up, I'll wager that you will be able zoa important? Indeed! Can a A small, white "reserved" sign plain of the rabbits' spirits, the growth viously, and trotted off to the tennis to do much better when you know how fish swim? Is the world round? Wiped out their costly gain. gained tremendous momentum. By the courts in her plaid shorts. to deal with those essay questions. What is our country coming to Sad, hungry thl'e/l hundred! 20th of that month, the "hare pile," as "Hmph," I said noncommittally Yes, subtleness and innuendo are the that a man can't stand up and it is technically known, had reached and dug out my own tennis shoes in last words when it comes to essay say that protozoa is important if a height of five feet. The squeaks and preparation for an exhilerating period type-quizzes. By that, I simply mean he wishes? What would Abe Lin- Author Answers groans from it could be easily heard of pitching baseballs against the gym YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW HOW TO coln have thought? He who toiled as far as Reisterstown, but the resi- wall. But such was not to be. Some AVOID THE QUESTION! Im- over hot logs for hours at a time! dents of Westminster did not seem to muscle bound amazon in a gym suit promptu stumblings on your part pro- Well, let me tell you that proto- Plea For Culture mind the rabbits, as the flapping of stuck her head in the door and an- duce a dangerous effect on the pro- zoa certainly is important and the long ears created a cool breeze in nounced cheerfully, "We're going out fessor marking the papers. I'll fight the man who says it 'I'here'a been a lot of talk about the city. today. We'll finally get to play some Give me a chance, dear reader, 'and isn't! there not being enough culture in this 'I'hen, last night--July 9th-the baseball." I'll teach you my scientific, three-fold paper. last visible trace of the tallest build- "Baseball!" I shrieked in protest. method of avoiding the question. METHOD # 3-AVERSJON The okapi is an outrageously mas- ing on campus flickered out of sight. "I hate baseball. Besides, this is still Henceforth, you'll go into' an exami- In the hands of a capable avoid_ sive animal of the giraffe phylum. The college was buried. volley ball season, and it's cold out- nation room prepared, bursting with ist, this is an effective though des- Fleeing from the Marshall Plan, the Harvey Takes Over side." the knowledge that you will pass, re- perate method. It consists of com- International Order of Dart Trowel'S, Besides the obvious embarrassment UNonsense," she returned gardless of whether you know any- pletely discarding the question UNESCO, and A~C, he dwells, singly of having a .eollege completely covered "It's practically summer already. thing about the subject or not. You asked and expounding on a sub- or paired, in the impenetrable, smelly, with rabbits, there are numerous dan- roommate and I just moved the beds may rightly ask, "How can I take an ject you do know about. Find out forests of the Upper Kongo Valley. gers of those living nearby. The under the window, and when we leave exam in. Weuchian history when I what the professor's home town He swats flies. greatest of these is a bombardment of the door and both hall windows open, don't even know what a Weuchian is; then talk, or write, about it. Droop Impresses rabbits on Westminster. This is we have the most terrific cross ven- is?" For a highly satisfactory an- As a case in point, let's mention By running sideways at 36 m.p.h., caused when a hare on the bottom of tilation." swer to this question, and others, Pittsburgh, Pa., and proceed from the pile belches, setting up a chain "So that's why I'm so cold," I mut- merely glance over the miracle-packed there. you will immediately observe that the reaction, and culminating with a tered crossly. paragraphs below. okapi resembles a park sliding board gigantic upheaval of rabbits into the "You don't seem to realize we have For simplicity, let us take a sample QUESTION: Is Protozoa on a Sunday afternoon. So acute and surrounding air. Inhabitants of the 'only a few more days of school," she essay questlon-c-vls a Protozoa im- Important? vivid is this anatomical droop, that he near area are urged to be on the look- burbled. "Why, it's downright hot. Russell-fifty reminds you of Jane portant?" Naturally, wlten you sur- ANSWER (Using Method # 3) : years hence. out for the "hare-raid" signals. One Look at all the people on 01 Main's vey this query, you have no idea of Protozoa is important. And so To begin with, one of his African long blast of a siren will indicate that steps and those kids sunbathing on what protozoa is or what it means. I is Pittsburgh, Pa. It is a city of ancestors made a right turn on a left an eruption is in immediate progress. McDaniel's porch." repeat, thY; is of little sign1~ficance.I about 700,000 inhabitants and signal in the middle of'a sand dune. Two short blasts will signify all clear. "I've seen them," I growled, but as will give you three schemes of filling supplies a large portion of the Result: All descendants' heads are In case of a surprise raid, your only I half expected her to flcx her muscles up a lot of paper space without say- United States steel. Great stores marked with three, skin - covered warning will be a flash of white. If out of pure enthusiasm, I glanced ing a blasted thing! of coke and c~al are located near- bones, radiating in an inspiring ar- possible, grab a coed and fall to the hastily out the window. Then I saw by and furnish ample mater-ials ray of ensues floor. METHOD # I-ELABORA- (every morning they the sure enough sign of spring. Not TION AND EUPHUISM for the smelting processes. Al- sally forth to the oases and brush each Police believe, in spite of the pres- the jammed tennis courts, or the girls "Euphuism" comes from a though the pickle industry has other's teeth). Surrounding these ent crisis, that the campus will be sunbathing, or couples (hah!) study- Latin word which looks about the lagged in the past five years, I dominant, recessed hereditary factor-s, cleared in time for fall registration. ing together, or people sitting on Old same as the English version and, still hate to think of what shape are two large, white ears-scarred, Authorities state that the hares' ac- Man's steps. oddly enough, contains somewhat our country would be in if it battered, and flapping gaily in the tivity can be cut down considerably Down in Robinson Garden, furtive- of the same literal content. didn't have Pittsburgh, Pa. sand storms. by placing them in Alumni Hall, with ly and quite illegally, my roommate- Method # 1 simply calls for the Face Is Weird the female rabbits on one side and the who usualJy contents herself with using of a wealth of expressions You have reached the end of my male rabbits on the other. That's hooking spoons for her collection-s, such as indeed, although, and course. All, that is, except for one Its face has that "please-take-me- th.eir story, anyway. was slyly plucking jonquils. am, etc. A sample falls below. thing. You may have noticed that in home, miaterv-cr-L'Il-tell-your-har out- "Hot spit!" I remarked genteelly. about-thc-time-you-said-you_were_ You don't QUESTION: Is Protozoa each case we assumed that protozoa with-the- boys-looking - for _Ubangia" 1899, Sir Harry Johnston made the "I think I'll play shortstop. racket, do happen to own a tennis Important? was important. What, readers may look. A recent theory has been ad- acquaintance of one such critter- you?" ask, should happen if protozoa wasn't and they're still naming the kids ANSWER (Using Method # 1): in any way irreplaceable? To remedy vanced which identifies the head of I think it would not be an over- this fallacy, I advise the conscientious this animal as synonymous with that ocapia johnstoni, which just goes to simplification to state that pro- avoidlst to glance over the textbook of the Egyptian deity-Set. There prove-the sun hasn't set on the Brit- THE GOLD BUG tozoa is, however-c-notwtthsrand, the night before a test to ascertain seems to be somewhat of a mix-up ish Empire-yet. ing facts to the contrarv-Lto be what is and what.isn't important. And here, however, because this god's Eng- Controversy has been thick over the sure, indeed important. The val- while you're at it, you might as well lish counterparts, Sit and Sat, arc color of the okapi. All are agreed ue of protozoa is-although even study the old-fashioned way. synonymous elsewhere on the anatomy that the cheeks have that yellowish, moreover justified - nonetheless, -and in an appropriate place. The pus-white hue. But, as for the body, infact,"firstrate." narrow length of its facc is graced by neck, and head, the reputed colors There. You haven't said a thing. lin ~l'moriam two bowed eyes--brown, bulged, and range from deep red to jet black. Sir Member But look at all those impressive bloodshot. When two courting okapii Harry, who ought to know, reported Associated Collegilte Press phrases at your command! kiss, it sounds like a plumbers' con- seeing a purple okapi, but this find The GOLD BUG wishes to announce vention having a holiday with a has been greatly overshadowed by Sub6eription Price $2.00 a Year the names of all those making the su- clogged Hoover Dam. Their lips are the unearthing of an ancient epic METHOD # 2-INDlGNATION preme sacrifice in the near future and wide, long, and u~d for slurping poem, written in sanskirt by a with- This method consists of treat- the dates of their ceremonies: leaves from trees. Their breath stinks. ered Okapi father to his questioning ing the subject as if you had some Yay 30-~~~i:' ..hrd~endel'SOn and Shirley Dragging along behind the bulging, definite opinions. Pretend some- louse-infested neck is a tufted tail- "I never saw a purple okapi--- one had called you an obscene ru~3t=.~':.r;:~n?M~rU~~~~~~ ~;.~ridt which the natives grab onto when I n.ever hope to see one; name and write accordingly. June 6-Jao" McLeod and Kdth Radcliffe they miss, thc subway. I'll settle for a 1"nptured mule-- .Tune 9----Bobbic Davison and Art Shanklin and Bill Huber Tint your pen with the vivid col- June la-Ginny Laver ..ndRIlI Wanhaugh The sight wOllld b1lst my guts, son." June 13-NancyLane ors of aroused feeling, so to June IS-Katherine Wiley and Tom Pierce Posterior's Puzzling Believe me, friends, nothing, abso- speak. The prof will love you for H~~~~. . The rear view of this animal is lutely nothing, can be used to de- it! identical with that of a female wear- scribe the profound elation of being QUESTION: Is Protozoa ing knee-length, black and white, able to see this real, live, relative of Important? July 26_ horizontally-striped slacks. The legs the giraffe. Aug. I remind you of stagnant, vertical, And, that is just one more reason ANSWER (Using Method # 2) : AUll. 8 sour cream. for visiting England this summer- Is protozoa important? What Aug. 22 There have been only several for- there a moth-eaten, split-seamed, a question! Holy cats, they W"lt Hart tunate, daring, sun-baked souls who de-gutted okapi in the British Mu- Sue Harvey shouldn't allow such a biased Oct. 3~·Carolyn MalUl"els and Chari"" Black have ever se~'1 this ral"l~ b~!1~tie.In and Don Radcliffe