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Vol. 7 No. 3.1 April 1, 2007, Page 12 Frozen squirrel leads investigators to many intriguing, fresh discoveries Relatives of the deceased found a pound of cocaine VIKTOR LASLOW INVESTIGATIVEREPORTER squirrel believe that Nikolay under the snow, most likely was drugged and blackmailed belonging to young rabbits. On the freezing day of in order to force him to partic- Rabbit community spokesper- March 4th 2007, several ipate in the race. "He is good son Venicio Ruggatoni strong- unidentified individuals little squirrel..." said the ly denies this claim. reportedly used a couple of mother of the mammal, Mrs. Investigators say Nikolay experiment squirrels from Azaralamatovich. "He would struggled in the thick pile for McDaniel's science lab in a never particpate in such crazy about 8 seconds before giving race around the football field. thing, he is very lazy squirrel, up hope and eventually freez- The exhausting endurance all -day he drink vodka, ing to death. Fellow runner race sadly ended in the death smoke weed and play Absolut Boris was with by freezing of one of the par- Playstation," said the dis- Nikolay the night of the inci- of dent, but has no recollection ticipants, Nikolay traught mother in a thick Azaralamatovich, a.k.a. "The Russian accent. the happenings after 6pm that The tragedy comes as a evening. "I was with Nikolay Nutcracker" . shock to the Russian squirrel and we just finish chugging It is still unknown who organized the 2S-foot race, but community at McDaniel our second bottle (tburp) and The site of the unbelievable yet remarkably true event that led to the tregtc College, which has been at I was kicking his ***butt in passing of Nikolay Axaralamatovidt, a.k.a. "The Nutcracker" police believe that it is the same individuals who broke war with the Italian rabbit game next thing I my for decades in a community into the science' lab and, fight over territorial superiori- know pollee •.....'*butt is hurting station," said in together with the squirrels, ty. Some believe it was the stole 300 liquid ounces of Absolut, still smelling like nitrogen, possibly believing work of the rabbit mafia, who alcohol. are known to cooperate with This incident will most def- that they were beer kegs. the "Hopefully the individuals some local students in con- initely further two strain immigrant ties the between who took the liquids will spiring against the squirrel and notice the huge red "POl- population. "They don't like communities surely on campus, them help it will nat SON" sign that is clearly us! They always pay the stu- marked on each keg," said a dents better with their dirty develop better relations with nutty science professor who mana money! No one will the immigration office which chose to remain anonymous accept our fine peanut has been accepting generous vodka," said illegal immi- gifts from both communities grant squirrel Azamat in order to keep their status as Ruskiyevich. "They refugees at the college. promise hot Italian babes Funeral proceedings for and fine cuisine and the Nikolay Azaralamatovich will drunken students believe be held on the second pine them! We will never win tree from Elderdice Hall, third this war!" said Azamat. branch up. The funeral will According to witnesses, come at a rough time amid on- Nikolay ran in a zig-zag going police investigations fashion for about 14 feet that include, and are not limit- before colliding with huge ed to, the trafficking of Italian pile of snow on the side of Playboy bunnies to college The Russian Rabbit community members use their innocent looks and cute the track. He reportedly students, the smuggling of features to attract gullable srudcnts into conspiring against the squirrel.s. ~o~~:to Baggic (above) is believed to be one of the leaders of the Italian tried to wiggle his way out mail-order brides by the of the pile, although some Russian squirrel community, investigation concerning the and a female rabbit escaped witnesses say that he was the illegal racing of both rab- missing nitrogen from the sci- Is hi I actually digging his way bits and squirrels in RC cars ence labs. from the town prison ... so far ~~:~:::~:~n~~a:i~ly.be missed greatly by in. Investigators later and on foot, as well as the In an unrelated story, a male only 276 have been found. Terror football errors produce two losses Nov 6, 1986- ever, the Terrors defeated dtately to the next score. Then This has been a building will be this weekend on themselves with mistakes. came a fumble recovered by year for the Terrors, and head November 8 for parents week- By Cynthia Schafer At F&M, the score was 19-0 F&M in advantageous field coach Dale Sprague, which end. WMC wit! play only after six minutes. All position. has been plagued by injuries. Swarthmore who will come With the past two losses to three scores came directly At FDU, both of their oppo- Unfortunately for Pete Wilson into the game with a 3-4 Franklin & Marshall on from WMC miscues. nents touchdowns came off and Andy Stephanelli, and record. October 25, 52-0, and to FDU~ The first touchdown came WMCerrors. eleven othe departing seniors, Madison, October 31, ]4-0; the off an interception which was The first score came in the they will not be around to get Thi.s article was originally print- Terror's record now stands at run back for hte score. second half on an interception a taste of the success that their ed In the Phoeni:r.! 0-8 on the season and is their A blocked WMC punt at the 24 yard-line. The seoncd hard work this year has been I WHICH APPAR~NnY WAS LACKING fOR 19th loss in a row. recovered at the four yardline came once again off a blocked striving for. COPY EDITORS. AND WE TlIOUGJiT WE In both of these losses, how- by the Diplomoats led imme- punt. The Terrors last home game WUE AWPUL THANKS fOR READING.