Page 78 - ThePhoenix1991-92

Page 2 Westminster Post-Secondary School April 1, 1.992 Editorial: It's Not All Fun and Games It's April Fool's Day and in celebration of this festive occasion. The Phoenix staff has decided to let their minds unwind a bit. We'll get our heads screwed back on in time for the next issue, due out April 10. It will be worth the wail. This issue, needless to say but I'll say it anyway, has very little grounding in truth. No journalistic standards were followed. Facts were stretched, twisted, and blatanl1y ignored. We try not to do any of the preceding in our nor- mal issues. However, the fake stories about Westminster Post-Sec- ondary School reflect a real concern of at least some of the THE W~STMINSTl'R students at Western Maryland College. l'oST-SECDN,l)ARY We arc worried about increasing costs, food. deficit SOIOOI- spending, and censorship. 'The Q\lQcI" The Phoenix staffis poking fun at these problems, hut not making light of them. Perhaps this issue has offended some and bored others, but we hope it has made you laugh at the problems of ROTC Squad Destroys Nuclear Weapons Plant WPSS while helping you think of solutions to those at WMC. By PITER "JENNINGS" WHITE Majoc Jonelle Leash was all-important plutonium to the Fi.lde......,.,...'" We welcome all responses to this issue. given the silverstar in the field by plant, After the smoke had As tension between Iraq and Mallard for heroic action at the cleared, however, only three the United Nations resume, both objective. sticks of Play-doh were found, top secret reconnaissance, and Her demolition team, armed destined for Hussein's grandson. ~ NATIONAL LAW search and destroy missions are only with blanks and Play-doh, They confiscated the doh for fu- by conducted the being rure rnlssions. was forced 00 take cover near the reactor room by withering enemy ~ CONFERENCE""""" Westminster Post-Secondary crossfire. In a last-ditch effort to Asked about this horrendous School Orange Terrier Squad. u, Col. Mauhew Mallard, complete the mission, Leash attack on hapless civilians, while April it "It was fun replied. "Law Camp" leader of this high-speed infihra- stormed the enemy position and lasted." tion unit, said that the squad has verbally abused six Iraqi con- Mallard said that future ac- at University of Baltimore School of Law successfully destroyed a super- for College Undergraduates scripts into surrender. tions are still classified, although secret nuclear weapons plant. "She charged those camel- he hinted at another strike in the For more information contact The National Law conference, The key to this success, ac- drivers like a dog out of hell," western quadrant. "All in all," 300 Allegheny Avenue, Baltimore, MD 21204 • (301) 337-8951 cording to Mallard, was the split- said Mallard. said Mallard, "I am pleased with ting of the squad into real and Major Peter April and Lt. the squad and their performance, decoy teams. "The decoy team Waller "Tower" Eifel single- especially in light of the fact that 'FAN'S performed an outstanding job," handedly disabled of carrying the we were missing a member, LL ~ a Bedouin he said. caravan suspected Herb Packard." @ praise Mallard of the went further team to The Bird in his decoy Gary Udder's Captain specify plan of deception having the ulti- mate effect of drawing Iraqi Orand-Poobeh-Edhor Scou CHINESE RESTAURANT forces away from the objective. Layout Editor Wish-I-Had-a-Nickname the "Weasel-Strap" Bongcr Szechuan· Cantonese» American Said Udder, "We tricked Copy-Cat Editor Kristine Netherland 59 West Main St., Westminster, MD 21157 Saddam Hussein into thinking Sports Editor Edward Rigging we had targeted his prize herd of Arts & Entertainment Editor Demetrios Lambrios Telephone: cows near the ccast," effectively Expert Dodger Captain Bob T. Kirk (301) 848-0919 • (301) 876-3166 splitting the remnants of his army Tum-it-in-at-the-Last-Possible-Minute-and-Get-Away- Mike Jenkins With-it-Cartoonist .............. as he tried to protect them. Business Manager _ Walt Eife and Bill Michaelsen Mark Long Advertising Managers CAMP Fitzgerald's Carriage House Liquors Faculty Advisor Andrea Jerry Lewis Advisor Coveting Student COUNSELOfC'S @ 113 West MaIn Street ·848-3466 The Bird is published whenever we feel like it, which isn't [00 General and Specials... ICE of ten, thank goodness. Theopinionsexpresseddonotnccessar- the faculty, ily reflect those of Bird or Phoenix staff members, Specialty Areas Coors,Light, Extra Goldcase-$13.99 or the administration, or anyone who counts at Westminster Resident, Co-Ed Natural Light (cans) case-$10.49 Post-Secondary School. responsible comments regarding the The Bird welcomes Camp Located Schlitz (cans) case-$8.49 irresponsible journalism it creates. in Maryland. Keystone, Light, Dry case-$10.49 Contact Labatt's 6-pack-$3.99 Address mail to: The Bird Camp Glyndon. Sol 6-pack-$4.99 c/o The Phoenix Moosehead6-pack-$4.99 2 College Mountain (301) 486-5515 Numerous liquors at ciose{)ut prices. Cash and carry while supplies last. Westminster Post-Secondary School MD 21157 Westminster,