Page 34 - TheGoldBug1948-49

The Gold Bug, Feb. 25, 1949 THE GOLD BUG Patent Office Reveals Startling One Place Kilroy Wasn't Officio.! student newspaper of Western Maryland College, pub· by Fred Keefer lished "em;·monthl)' ou Pridsy, during Octobe~, November, January, News For Tomorrow's Teacher~! February, March and April, snd monthly during September, DeCEm' ber. aDd May. Entered Ita secoud class matter at Westmiuter Post (Continued from previous issue) Olllee, under tbe Act of Much S, 1879 We returned from the U. S. Patent Synopsis: Jafjon wa-s about to mnrry Princess Creusa Member Office recently -where the curator of when an unfortunate occurrance overtook hi8 bride to be "'ssDei.ted CDllegi.t~ Pr~ss patents revealed to us the latest in .. ehe was burned np, so to speak, over actne wedding aids. He was a funny little teachers man with a long drooping mustache, gi/t8 8ent by the accused, Medea. From here, some of the by Nor-m. Stern parchment 18 mi8'8ing, but we 8tarf again where one of laugh wrinkles around the corners of On the fifteenth of March students his eyes like baby erow's feet, and the oarsmen of the Argo, the getaway ship, is being ques- '50 here at Western Maryland will place he wore a cap that he used as a drum- tioned by Altheus, a prominent lawyer of the day. that "You say, Sir Oarsman, Altheus: you were on the '50 a mark on the ballot for their new mer boy with General Sherman's Argos on the day of February 23, 1220 B.C.1" :~~ Student Government President. AI- army when they marched through Oarsman: "That is correct." .• ~:: _""",,' ;~~ :~~:fhn!!:e:a~~:u:~~yta~~~,a a!e: ~;~~ ~I~o;~~t :er:~::~ z: i!/~~:~~l:a~~ AI: "Describe the position the crew was in." t S Oars: "Bent over. We were trying to outrow the harbor .••• 'o:H '51 dent, are voting for something much t d d ft r t patro!." ~: ." .:', H _" .. ~::e hv~tpap\~es~y~::e 0:; ~~~!;~t':::: f:g t~r~~;hre:w:~:e a;l~y~n:: e:~ AI:'''Please describe exactly vrhat you saw." old cracked record of Marching Oars: "The back of the head of the man in front of me." Bnsines, Manager ..•..... . Edward Wright, '50 year. Through Georgia, he cackled his con- AI: "Why, then, were you rowing away from the harbor Few people realize the tremendous sent. A'"t. Bn,ines" Manager. , .. Elinor Price, '50 Adoerti,ing Manager , .... Lloyd Bowling. '51 job of th: Student President. He is Among those that caught our fancy patrol?" Circulation 'Manager .. JeTT)' Lockman, '51 Oars: "'Cause Jason said so. He had a bull whip. It was the negottator between studen~ and was a cylindrical blackboard made of faculty, and must use all hIS re- transparent plastic which revolved an unusual bull whip ,. it still had the bull attached." sources to please both these groups .• about a long iron pole. With the aid • A Bit Of Bullying Banter, By Jove! ~lanning Freshman Week, Homec~m- of such a board, any instructor could AI: "Then how did you know Jason was behind you if all mg Day, May Day, Saturday evening' write without having his back to the you saw was the back of the head of the man in front of and a host of other Letter To The Editor activities, much time and effort. jobs He class ... a boon to the lower grade you?" requires teachers who have been constant vic- Oars: "I felt him behind me." must have the ability to apply him- tims of numerous spitballs shot from AI: "Lies! You were trying to escape yourself. Your honor, Dear Editor: self to these s~renuous tasks or the eager little dirty fingers. Attached I accuse this man of perjury. Through the Gold Bug we should like to spread the word student body w:ll suffer. . around the outer upper edge of this Judge: "Oarsman, are you t.rying to show contempt for concerning what happened to Religious Emphasis Week I have mentioned these duties so board was a compressed air system this court?" this year. People have been asking. The calendar on the that we, .as. stud.ents, can apply the that precluded the necessity of eras- Oars: "No sir, I've been trying to conceal it." back page is one clue. characterlst.lcs. listed ?n t.he ~r?nt ing the board. The user just pressed (In this 1ast fragment of parchment] Altheus is sum- Last spring Dr. Ensor called us into his office and page of. this Issue while visuallzing a button and Swish! Out came a jet of ming up the case to the jury.) suggested that we take over planning a series of religious the scope of the Student President's hot air that blew off all traces of "Here are the facts we have uncovered. This fair wo- programs of interest to the entire student body a~d the office and what kind of individual we writing, g i v i n g the instructor's man, Medea, was brought here from her homeland against faculty. Beginning there we talked about the kind of want for the job. clothes a quick dry-cleaning in the her will. Alone in a strange land, she was forced to marry program that would reach the greatest number of people, Here are the steps to be followed: process. Several attachments that Jason in order to survive. Now this long-suffering woman one that would be vital and, stimulating. Vocations (or 1. Submit the name of your candi- went with the set could he used in is accused of a long series of horrible crimes, as listed how to earn an honest dollar) seemed to he the common date to any member of the Student converting it into an air conditioning in the last issue of The Gold Bng. We have presented cer- denominator, so three speakers were chosen from the Government on or before March 7. system for use in either hot or cold tain testimonies and facts that. point to Jason's, not your formal 2. Present nomination major fields in which most WMC students are enroked : to the student body at the March 15 rooms. Medea's guilt. When Medea cut a hole in Pelios' head she economics, education, and science. Another hand apparatus was the was within her legal right since it has been proved that assembly (nomination speeches should Automatic Grader. This was about she has 'an M. D. from the University at Athens. • Speakers Are Experienced In Fields not exceed five minutes) . the same size and shape of a large • The Original "Crime Does Not Pay!" Mrs. Walser has had wide experience with labor unions 3. All nominations will be for Presi- Wheaties carton, except that it was "I believe that Jason killed the king and the princess and lobbying, technically caned political action. Dr. Jar- dent of the Student Government As- made of black enameled stainless steel. in order to be king himself, then did away with the chil- rett is a Baltimore physician well known to many resi- sociation. The person of the opposite At the top was a good sized slot into dren so that they wouldn't squeal on him. He framed sex receiving the next highest number dents of the hill. Mr. Weis has entered YMCA work of votes will automatically __become which complete sets of tests could he Medea nicely by pretending to send her home to her fa- after some years as a teacher and principal in Montgomery inserted, with numerous little switches County. They have all agreed to lead discussions concern- vice-president. along the side marked "Philosphy," ther while he did the dirty work, knowing she'd soon be picked up in a hot chariot, supposedly escaping from the ing the ways in which religion is practiced in the modern THINK very carefully about your "Chemistry," "History," etc. One scene of the crime. Gentlemen of the jury, I ask for com- work-day world. selection and then work for that per- simply dropped his tests into this con- of the accused, Medea. "My Religion and Me" as the theme of these discussions son's election. The time for decision .traption and, after a period of thirty plete acquittal claims that Jason was killed when a falling (History represents the belief of the committee that religion is of is NOW. minutes' clicking, sputtering, and timber beamed him. Actually, he was hung from his own personal and practical importance to everyone. We hope grinding, the tests dropped out the that this appproach will provide a variety of vital con- Borrowecl Bits bottom neatly marked with appropri- crow's nest. Two other interesting documents, one dated six months later telling of a marriage between Medea and tacts for WMC students in the year 1949. ate comments in the margins on the Altheus, and a death certificate for Altheus (dated two (Signed) Ed. note: side left for such things. years later) listing as the cause of death "an act of Zeus We thought to let our Jim Cotter Ed Hammer8UJ, (Here are some excerpts from other future teachers we ought about such under very suspicious circumstances.") The end. know Betty Amo8 Jim Ogden college papers, which could just as things so that they can begin -eo pre- Al Jacobeon: Barbara SOWer8 easily have been said in our own GoU pare for the school of the future. Shermer Garri$on 111188 Ann O'R01~rk Bug. See if you don't agree with us.) P-1;O Peggy Stacey Dr. Thoma8 Mar8hall From Uie Greyhonnd, Loyola Col- lege, "Loyola deieated Western Mary- land 33-32 on February 19." Yes, Pins !n Points our eyes fell out, too, until we dis- covered that was ·20 years ago! In Dr. Straughn's chemistry class, by Yardbird I. 11-1. Woe Women students at Gettysburg molecules in solution are no longer This is a typical (Iccurrence at a typical college where were awarded free late leave permis- molecules . . . they take on human of and merits qualities weigh the a typical ROTC unit is stationed. A typical private, sion until two o'clock in order to at- other molecules. If the first mole- Supervision is needed in every formal or. in- yours truly, wishes to register a complaint about a sup- tend the Lafayette basketball game cule likes the looks of the second, formal organization, whether it may be business, night. It happens all the on Saturday posed injustice in his grade. time! he'll amble over and engage in con- industry, govel'llment, or ordinary communal life. The Colonel was in his inner office reading Tolstoy's SCA of Gettysburg College sponsor- versation with her; if he doesn't like It adds to the welfare of being as entirety. It in- War and Peace when I asked the First Sergeant for per- ed a Religion-In-Life Program for the her looks, or thinks he'll get the cold mission to see him. "Certainly," replied the Colonel, "I'm week of February 14. Morning classes shoulder treatment, he'll stay away sures positive results-proportionate effort and always glad to see one of my fine young men. Come in, were shortened for three days, and . then we have two immiscible end. It provides privileges that cannot be enjoyed son, come in." the various programs consisted of molecules. Pardon me, Miss, your in a haphazard social formation. But, it does not I entered and noticed the neatness of his desk with its talks by noted speakers, movies, and outer energy level is showing. indicate tyranny. ---------- vase of flowers. On the shelf was a well worn copy of the discussion groups. Holy Bible. "Sit down, sit down," he smiled. "Don't bother Now available at the College Book A new nurse has been added to the College men and women are allegedly a group saluting, we're informal here, ha ha. Don't take that chair, college infirmary stafT ... Miss Pau· above average. This condition may be true, yet Store at Geneva College, Beaver Falls, take mine, it's much softer. Cigar? Oh, I'm sorry, you Pa., are regular college "T" shirts line Lastowski, formerly of Bucknell all students possess the vitality and gayety that don't smoke, do you. Coke1 Stick of gum ... anything I for the tiny tots of married students. University and Misrecordia Hospital can do to make you. comfortable?" Same old type of "general store"-. in Philadelphia, Pa. Miss Lastowski's are synonymQus with youth. They have pride, "Well," I drawled, "Move those papers on your desk Knitting during lectures was ap- home town is Nanticoke, Pa. abounding energy, unfulfilled desires, a zest for ---------- so's I can put my feet up." proved by a University of Wisconsin "The tongue, heing in a wet plac., happiness, and a will to do. Current private discus- • The Real Army Do Now Revealed professor after he learned that the is likely to slip w'hen going fast." sions reveal that the supervisors of the social "I see you're wearing your military shoes out of uni- socks and sweaters were for patients "Drive slower and avoid becoming activities feel that the campus men and women form," he laughed. "Don't blame you a bit. If I were at the Lake View tuberculosis sani- a statistic." seek one pleasure-sex. This belief is a fallacy. you I'd get aU 1 could out of the government too." We torium. Well, all those poor boys in It indicates a foundation for tyranny. Department: Military talked leisurley for half an hour or so. I could hear the the infirmary have to have warm From the ---------- Dunlop Measures employed to obtain information con- sergeants in the outer office singing in barber s,eop har- socks, too, don't they? Cadet M/Sgts Hichard and mony, and the Colonel and 1 smiled over our mint juleps. "Some folks dislike lipstick, but it David Sartorio have recei\'ed promo- cerning persons thought to be carrying on activi- He told me how sorry he was that we got only one hour's usually makes a good impression." tions to the grade of 2nd Lieutenant, ties prohibited by the social regulations of the credit for two classes and two drills a week in addition from The Cabinet, according to an announcement issued institution are similar to those used by a com- to the time spent in preparation. Immediately I assured Geneva College by Colonel Carlton Smith, Pl'I1S&T. munist regime. Neither the student down the hall, him that we all realized how much he was doing to allevi- nor the roommate of an individual in question ate the situation. Finally he asked, "Is there anything r can do for you?" should be interrogated as to the latter's activi- I thought a moment. "Oh yes. I think a mistake was ties. Frankness and fairness are the only logical made somewhere in my mark. He leaped to his feet, his elements to use in a trial in a democratic organiza- face paling. "Good heavens, did I'! Please excus.e me while tion. Spying and secret checking measures indi- I check up on it for you." Quickly he checked my record, adding and dividing the numbers with the efficiency of a cate tyranny. modern thinking machine. Students disobeying rules that have been re- • Quick Action Is The Byword Today moved from the postwar Western Maryland regu- "Gad," he cried out, I have made a mistake! I'll dash lations should not be reprimanded. If the women right over to Administration and change it!" are not allowed to smoke in the outer sections of I helped him on with his coat as he hurried out the door the dining hall, in front of the recreation room, consoling me and accusing someone of incompetency in or on the campus, why was. the smoking law re- hlgh places. He leaped on his motor scooter and disap- pealed? peared in a cloud of smoke. I smiled down at the major who was polishing my shoes. "The colonel's ability as a Q There are many ways by which the policy could leader is excelled only by his good looks." be altered. Western Maryland was founded on And from the. loya! gleam in that noble officer's democratic principles. Do not change them! Keep eyes, I knew he felt the same as I did. Then, with the ring- FEELI/V'TiJ#O,f!(£/( jEJ'LI/(E I FEEL TOLJAV" ing of the breakfast bell in my ears, I woke up. tyranny out!