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knew him,) was passed Out on the Roor. T-Dave was trying to make out
with Thin Lizzy (a great and very appropriate nickname for the girl who
snubbed me weeks earlier.) Dumbshit was sitting on the couch with two
empty forties, one duct-taped to each hand. He was clearly very drunk.
Seamus, who had recently broken up with Fat Mary for, let's say, reasons
undisclosed to the general public, was working the bar in the kitchen,
Rirting with the ladies, and generally acting as hetero as possible.
Dwight was standing near the speakers, dancing with girls and, much
like his secret partner, doing his best at seeming perfectly "straight."
Between them there were no obvious signs of what lay beneath-no vis-
ible stains from earlier in the week. Neckbeard the Pirate was standing
around with a bunch of his hipster friends, discussing the finer points
of British new wave punk and its influence on '90s indie rock. He
hummed the opening riff of Pavement's "Conduit for Sale!" and insisted
rather adamantly that it was taken almost directly from an earlier song
by The Fall.

Fucking hipster.

Fat Mary was in a corner of the living room, nursing a plastic
cup full of vodka and orange juice. The makeup under her eyes was
smeared and she had clearly been crying. She was wearing a rather nice
black dress, which, in fact, made her curves look rather delicious. Then
again, I was already on my fifth drink when I saw her. I decided to be a
"nice guy" and try and talk to her.

"Hi Mary;' I said, trying as hard as I could not to mention her
weight, not to call her Fat Mary. She looked up at me.

"Oh, hi Billy. How are you?" She sniffled, trying to hold back

tears.

"I'm great thanks;' I said, the words coming out somewhat
slurred. "What's going on with you?"

"Oh, nothing;' she said. "It's just this stupid break-up. I'm go-
ing to miss Seamus a lot."

"Come now, maybe it was for the best. Maybe it's time to find
someone new? Who knows? Maybe Seamus wasn't the right guy for you
after all." Play dumb, I thought. The fewer people you discuss Seamus
and Dwight with, the better. Play dumb, and be supportive.

"Oh no, don't get me wrong:' she said, still holding back

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