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"Hey;' she said, halfin a whisper. "I've got an idea."

"Oh?" I asked, indulging her. "What might that be?"

She stood up, grabbed me by the elbow, and started walking
toward the staircase.

I'll spare the gory details, suffice it to say that (Hollywood) Fat
Mary and I had sex. I, for one, enjoyed it a lot. I pulled on the condom,
rolled onto her, did my manly penetrative duty, rolled off, lit up a ciga-
rette, basked in my masculine glory. I was no longer a virgin-the world
was at my fingertips. I was proud to say that my first time was with a
cute chubby girl who was recently on the receiving end of a bad break-
up. I puffed on the cigarette with a feeling of manful accomplishment. I
win, I thought to myself I am the God of Sex.

Mary was less than pleased.

"So..." I said, turning to face her. "How was it?"

She looked at me, covers pulled over her bountiful pink
breasts.

"Urn ..." she started. I gOt up on one shoulder, looked at her
with a little concern.

"You didn't like it? I didn't hurt you, did I?"
"No, it's not that-you didn't hurt me. It's just ..."
Here it fucking comes.

"You know how, for a while back there, your nickname was
Baby-Dick?"

Bam. God-fucking-damn it.

"So, I take it you didn't like it?" I was truly disappointed.

"Well, to be honest with you, Billy, I was a little under-
whelmed." Tears started to well up in her eyes. "I was thinking, that, you
know, maybe it would be nice to try a smaller guy for once. After all, I
thought, you couldn't really be that small. But ...you just didn't fillme
up. Not the way Seamus used to." At this point she burst into quiet sobs.

Damn you Seamus. Damn your glorious, enormous Black-
Irish penis.

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