Page 28 - Contrast1997
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The Choice
Veronica Susan Zito
It's the feeling when you're about to explode. owed eyes. Do they notice a change? Yes,but
When your skin's too tight and you have to you are such a good student, getting good
scream, run, hit, hurt, bleed. Only then do grades, so polite and helpful, it must be just a
you go into your hiding place and lock the phase. (RIGHT?) And you want to scream
door. Take out the sharp Something. Blade, How Can You Not See How Can You Not Know
or fragment shattered, it makes no difference. How Are You So Blind You Don't Hear These
Sometimes in the mirror so you can watch Voices In My Head? (AND I AM GOING
your face as you do it...the maniacal, some- CRAZY) But you don't. Because there is still
how feral light in the eyes, the mouth twist- that part of you that is pleased you can act s~
ing into a grotesque grin. (YOUR MOUTH?) well. The small child-like voice whispering 1
How closely pain and pleasure are related. know something you don't know ...
The other times under the covers, or under
the cover of darkness. Slow or fast, once long,
and deep, and deliberate, or many times slash- And you want to scream
ing and slicing aimlessly. And the biting teeth how can you not see how
of the Something, breaking your flesh as they can you not know how
have broken your spirit. (ASYOU HAVE LET
THEM?) And the pain is like fire. Testing by are you so blind you
fire, how much can you stand? How much is don't hear these voices
enough? Watching the blood trickle and flow in my head?
and congeal. Rinsing away the anger or fear
or emptiness. Into blissful numbness and the
wounds have made you strong. But it is se- So you begin to hoard your secrets. Small
cret, they must never know where you find little matters, you add them up, piece by piece,
your strength, or they will take that away too collecting strength in the knowledge of un-
and you will be left with nothing. Less than known things. And you begin lying, and soon
nothing, because now there is nothing and you there are nothing but lies, and lies somehow
still have this. become the truth, and you begin to believe
them yourself. And you laugh when you look
How you cradle it afterwards, that sharp- at yourself in the mirror and hear the echo of
ness, gorged and satiated on your life. Ten- those false words, things you said to cover up
derly, like a lover, you hide it away for the the scars. Putting gauze over other people's
next time. There is always a next time. No eyes. (BECAUSE THEY WANT IT THERE)
one can be strong forever. And no one no- And you laugh because suddenly you are say-
tices. You are always very careful to rinse ing the things that those pathetic women, who
away the stains, blood and tears. (IS THERE let their men hurt them, say. Excuses. And
A DIFFERENCE?) And the scars? Well you
are very careful about those too. Places on you laugh because they think they are pro-
the body where no one ever see; places where tecting them, because they don't really mean
it will be easy to explain away. Everyone to do it. But then you realize that you are those
knows you are clumsy, right? And so no one women, you are being hurt. And you are also
knows ...even if they do. And you walk empty those men, and you are protecting yourself.
and hollow with a painted smile and shad- (ARE YOU?) And you stop laughing.
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