Page 29 - Contrast1997

Suddenly you are falling. Or you have been
all along you just never noticed, there were
too many words to see. Farther, down, or in,
or perhaps even up it's so hard to tell. Then
somewhere along the way you can see the
bottom, though it never seems to get any
closer, and you look up, or is it out, or even
down, back the way you came. Hope has
never seemed so far away. And it comes to
clear that to go back is impossible, the way is
too steep, you have not the strength to climb.
So you continue down/in /up/onward be-
cause it is so much easier and there is nothing
left to do. And there's a point when you real-
ize if you reach the bottom you are dead. And
that doesn't seem so bad. And you no longer
have the strength to even wonder why any-
more.
But you aren't dead. At least, not in the way
that would bring in the mourners. Itjust feels
like death. Though you still breathe. And
somehow you can always say tomorrow if it
gets too bad tomorrow ...but today i can hold on
....because of whatever it is. Whatever it is. And
then there comes the day when the way back
no longer looks impossible. Terr-
Stop These Voices
ible and long and frightening, Yes. But not
impossible. And so you step up, and each step
takes you further from that place. And some-
times you go down or in or up again. Some-
times it's too much and if you don't let some-
thing out you'll suffocate on your own
thoughts and words and fear. And the give
of the flesh cries its own tears. Still you con-
tinue up, or is it down, or maybe out it's al-
ways too hard to tell, til you get to the middle.
And that is the greatest fear of all. And you
think you are going insane. And this is The
Choice.
Do you continue on this way, struggling to
face the fire? Or turn yourself back the way
you had been and make that final step to the
end? And there are days when you can't move
from your bed because the terror is to great;
and there are days when you cry so hard and
long that you can't see or breathe or speak or
think; and your throat hurts from screaming
and your hands hurt from beating. And then
there is the day when you make The Choice.
And it never gets any easier. Really it gets
harder. And scarier. But better in places.
And I am still climbing ...
Jay Day
27