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generate warmth. At first she worked on my case as if it were a four-
star project. Then she began to laugh at my ideas, which hurt my
feelings, and then she gave up. This worried me a little because I had
never thought of myself as hopeless. I often think that she only gave
up outwardly so she could grab me when I least expected it. I still
correspond with her and she always ends her letters by saying that
she is praying for me. This makes me feel safe, for in case I'm wrong,
at least I'll have somebody to put in a good word for me. I graduated
from high school feeling rich in having such a close contact with
real faith.

My first year at college was rather uneventful as far as my re-
ligious problem went. I attended church often and I found that I
could participate in the services without severe conscience pangs. In
the summer between my freshman and sophomore years, I taught
Sunday school. This was one of the hardest mental strains I have ever
had, first of all, because I had to act convincing when I taught them,
and I was far from convinced myself, and secondly, because I was a
director of a day camp and I found it hard to feel brotherly love to-
ward the very children who had behaved so horribly during the
week.

In the beginning of my sophomore year in college, I resolved to
turn over a new leaf. I was going to be active in everything, including
religious activities! To my real sorrow, however, I found myself
mentally throwing tomatoes at the guest speakers in the first religious
meeting of the year. I then decided to be entirely safe about the
whole thing and ask a prominent figure in the church if it was cor-
rect of me to participate in religious activities or if I was being hypo-
critical. He told me, in all seriousness, that I had passed the cross-
roads. "At last," I thought. "Progress!" I was slightly taken aback
when he went on to say that I was rapidly traveling down the wrong
path! He explained that I must STOP and take stock and that until
I returned to my original point of departure I would literally be in
the possession of the devil. WELL! This was a new attitude and at
first I was very upset. However, I soon grew to like the idea, and de-
lighted in the fact that I was none the worse for wear by being pos-

sessed.
Though I may joke about my problem, and I definitely think of

it as a problem, I do feel a lack in that I do not have the faith needed
to accert the religion of my family and friends. To me, the important
thing is not what you believe, but that you do believe. And perhaps,
in the end, it is not enough always just to be seeking.

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