Page 27 - Contrast1958Winterv2n1

took place. Everything was either "terrific" or "crucial" when 1 was
fourteen. 1 was sent to a boarding school run by my church which
provided "opportunity for steady growth in religious understanding
and faith" or so its catalogue stated. At first, the school had the de-
sired effect on me. 1 became very pious in my actions, or so 1 thought.
1 went to church faithfully, attended morning and evening chapel,
and read the Bible nightly. 1 soon had the Order of Morning Prayer
memorized and could chant it as well as 1 could my childish prayers.
I was very proud of this accomplishment and would delight in saying
the prayers in a loud, melodious voice while staring vacantly sky-
ward over my prayer book. 1 was positive that 1 was the very essence
of holiness. My only problem was that 1 was not confirmed and 1 was
sure 1 was missing a great experience by not being able to take com-
munion. 1 signed up as soon as possible for confirmation classes, and
became increasingly excited as My Day drew near. When 1 finally
stood before the Bishop to receive my first communion, 1 fully ex-
pected to hear a trumpet blast, or feel a gust of air, or at least a pin
prick. Such was not the case. 1 only remember that the wafer stuck on
the roof of my mouth and that 1 choked on the wine. 1 returned to

my pew, red-faced and disappointed.
Suddenly the Great Decline (1 feel that 1 must put this in

capital letters) began. 1 decided that 1 didn't believe in anything at
all. 1 refused to participate verbally in any church services. 1 decided
that 1 could not believe in the incarnation of Christ and the equality
of man at the same time, and if 1 couldn't believe that, 1 couldn't
b.elieve anything else either. Naturally this was backed by an exces-
srve lack of reasoning, but at fourteen, who stopS to think? Suddenly,
1 was different. 1 felt that 1 was afflicted for life, and that everyone
knew of my falling into the mire. 1 felt that long, bony, accusing
fingers were being pointed at my back. However, instead of becoming
a social outcast, as 1 fully expected, 1 became somewhat of a campus
character, and enjoyed a new popularity. The girls would gather in
my room to listen to my views on religion. 1 decided to enlighten the
faculty as to my stand and went to them one by one for "advice."
They all told me that I would outgrow the stage, and this infuriated
me. A few told me that 1 was at the crossroad and that 1 must work
to grow up. 1 decided, however, not to work, but rather to enjoy this
stage while it lasted, and 1 was very happy with atheism for two years.

Then 1 switched schools. The only good school available where
1 lived was a small private Catholic school run by the Sisters of
Mercy. The summer before 1 began in this school 1 decided that it