Page 119 - Phoenix1998-99

FEATlJRES Thursday, February 18, 1999 - Page II Cheap Thrills: Stickin'lt to Da 60 Seconds What was-your most memorable Man at Bargain Basement Prices Valentine's Day? MATTHEW THOMAS manizing menial labor is a clip-on Stifle another chuckle and say, "Is Features Writer tie and the Cheap Thri'lls' How tomorrow good?" by Trang Dam Hello, and welcome to Cheap Cheap? Damn Cheap! ™ Drug Go home, or wherever you're Thrills, where you get more bang Testing kit. mum- crashing, make and drink some water. All right, I know you're sick. yourself Don't Take "My boyfriend, Patrick, for your buck and more joy for bling to yourself, "I've bought into some 8 vitamins. Get a good made breakfast for me. He your joybang. this here bargain talk before. And night's rest. After all, you're get- had two-dozen roses and a A lot of people have asked me now I've got twelve bread ma- ting ready to Stick It to Da Man! recently, "Mr. Cheap Thrills Guy, chines and a lot of hair removal card waiting for me and we is sticking it to the man by getting products. I'm on the crapper half The morning of the drug test, spent the weekend to- hired for a job and then getting all the lime and admiring my bikini drink like a gallon of water. Make gether." strung outon smack and then beat- line the other half." sure you pee like three times be- Bethany Young ing the drug test somehow a valid But Cheap Thrills How Cheap? fore you leave for the test. Eat a Undecided '01 Cheap Thrills topic?" Damn Cheap! ™ Drug Testing kit well-balanced meal of Lucky I'm glad they've been asking, will change all that! You won't Charms. because it provides a perfect in- have time to watch infomercials Take more B vitamins, and four troduction for Stick It to Oa Man anymore. You'll be too busy Stick- aspirin. The vitamins are a good Week here at Cheap Thrills. ing It to Da Man! supplement to a Lucky Charms - Yes, indeedy, Cheap Thrills breakfast, and the aspirin is good aplenty can be had by hiding your OK, Mr. Cheap Thrills Guy. for headaches. "Ask me Monday morn- drug habit(s) from potential em- What do I do? Where do I send Use the Nair, because, let's ployers. (For future reference, my check or money order? Cause face it, your back is hairy. (You'd ing .... " we'll be focusing on marijuana I don't have a job. They took my think with all of those hair removal Chad Reiley test-beating instead of, say, smack, credit card away - too much products you would've taken care Sociology '00 because adherence to true Cheap phone sex and not enough pay of that particular nastiness.) And Thrills values means you're only checks." the enema ... well, everyone's colon shelling out cash for brick weed Haven't you been paying atten- could use a cleaning. or growing it yourself. Smack's tion, stupid? That's the whole point When it's time to pee (and expensivel) of this column. Don't send me any you'd better pray it's a urine test Now, some of you readers may money. Just gather the following instead of a hair test, or you're be asking, "Is it ethical?" Is that from the medicine cabinet of the screwed), let only the midstream go question really relevant when your apartment where you've been into the cup. Why? I dunno. But (potential) employer is breaking the crashing: that's how you're supposed to do "I stayed up late with my edicts of the Bill of Rights (it would - Some aspirin it, anyway. mom watching The Love be helpful to hum something pa- - Some B vitamins Wave the pot leaf over the cup triotic right now, like Frank Zappa's Anything that says "Controlled Connection. " "Titties and Beer") by snooping - Dangerous Substance" (Hey, why for luck, if you're superstitious. Pray to the porcelain god, if you're Tricia Chin Quee around.in your urine? not?) religious. Both get about the same Social Work' 0 1 OK. I'm glad we're on the -A bottle of Nair results, only with the pot leaf, same wavelength now. - An enema kit you're not kissing a crusty toilet.. So, anyway, you're higher than -A pot leaf Unless you've got the metabo- Willie Nelson. So what? Does that - A box of Lucky Charms lism of an 800-lbs. sumo wrestler, mean you're not qualified to work Now, what you do is this .. you should be all right. Congratu- "My high school girlfriend at Lowe's? Does that mean you're Get yourself a job interview. Put late yourself by lighting up a spliff a hazard to customers and fellow on the clip-on tie I mentioned ear- and / had just started and realizing you've successfully -s, don't dating, and for Valentine's McWorkers? Highly debat- lier; slick your hair back; from hit- stuck it to da Man! belch too often. Refrain Good questions. Then realize you've Day / bought her candy and able. But not the point of Cheap ting the crack pipe entirely, at least crappy job and you've gotta got start a flowers. We went out to Thrills and Stick It to Da Man until the interview is over. wearing that clip-on tie all the time dinner. .. the whole day was Week. In the course of the interview, now and.. Well, maybe you'll wonderful. " The point is, you toke more than the boss man (or a representative) luck out and fail the drug test. you, a dope will "Are Evan Desatnick a glaucoma patient tokes. Maybe fiend?" ask Stifle a chuckle you and say, .. Please note that the views ex- patient. you are a glaucoma That's Communications '01 no reason for you to resign your- Hell, no, sir or ma'am!" Boss pressed in this article are not those self to a life of crashing on friends' man (or representative) will say, of lh~ staff of~. Any couches. "OK. You're hired. But, we drug comments may be directed to All you need to move from un- test here. You'll have to take one phoenix@wmdc.eduattn:commen_ "It was when I wasn't dating employment to degrading, dehu- before you can come to work." tary. anyone, and one of my really good guy-friends came to my house to sur- --~teatlve ~olceg-- prise me with a dozen roses. " Why do you want to go to school? It is getting up early and listening to teachers talk on and on, It is homework due the next day and papers due in a week, It is worrying about quizzes, about tests, and about whether your final "When / was a little kid I attempted to slide down the grade will be enough to pass, It is learning things you stairs in my house. / fell and hit my head on the steps already know all over again, and still not knowing what and had to go to the hospital: you need to, It is pain, torture, an early death, And I for stitches .... For some reason, I haven't liked wouldn't trade itfor anything less than my own custom- Valentine's Day since then." made world, Aaron Heisler Studio Art '99 ---'!f!resaNee4~':,,~