Page 2 - TheGoldBug1954-55

'['he Gold Bug, Sept. 21. 1954 ProminentMarriage Into The Years Psychoses Promise Young Man Future Buried By Reporter ---With Women Success With Finance, Couch Antics Dorm {con't} As a cub reporter, I was given the The following items were compiled I am not in the habit of squelching fellow man-I have always Last semester, the GOLD BUG maiden mission of covering a wedding after years of study, and are eondens- stood ready to sign anything that might better his and my condition. ran a series of five articles mak- for the town paper. After reading ed from the recent, bestselling scten- However, during the past several years, it has been my sincere ing up a "Report on the Dormi- multitudinous reviews of similar af- tific study, Scetio11al Habits of Ameri- pleasure to see my swollen feet trouncing mercilessly on the slowly tories:' which caught the eye (s) fairs in the past, I attended the cere- can College Women, (Ransom House, receding forms of some dozen or so ulteriorly fine people. As far as of a few faithful regular readers. mony-armed with pencil, notebook, 674 pp., $8). I know, they had lived pure, outgoing lives-good targets for any The first article of _ that series and a headful of jumbled, repetitious Frcehnuuc: She reads !Vltat gpel'Y of the usual tombstone adjectives. brought to public notice the "condi- terms, YO!t1IgGil'l Should Know; she wants There was but one seed in this pie- family), six healthy toadstool fac- tions that prevail" in that venerable Somehow, the result caused quite to marry a football player; she says, they were self-made psychoanalysts. tories (these J once dreamed of-and That's where everything ancient pile known as Old Ward. a stir: smart weddings "Oh, please stop that!"; she thinks how I finally ended it. began, and was assured by the giver that I had a college education leads to things Among the many restaurant As of this summer, future inmates which took place yesterday, interest social, cultural, and academic; she On meeting the first of this pecul- an would obsession that the some nectar from serve me of Old Ward call take heart, cheer up, was high ill response to the invita- drinks cokes on a date; she tells her iarly populous breed, I was, as you these for mushroom soup. This way, keep smiling, and look at the silver t.icns sent out for the marriage of mother everything; she likes to have been, socially unsuspecting as I had a monopoly on such a posaibll; lining, for the famous Mid-Century Miss Gloria Ccsnell, daughter of Mrs. smooch. I spoke what I thought was an or- ity, and could continue dining out), a Advancement has come through! Hay S. McNona, of Milwaukee, to Sophomore: She reads How To IYin iginal, harmless greeting: stuffed buzzard with one wing miss- It seems that the oft-cussed and Mr. Kenneth N. Dulaney, son of Mr. Friends and 'hlfluel1u People; she "Oh, it's an excellent daY,"'said l. ing (symbol of parental aid in child- discussed "new dorm" is weU on its D. R. Richmond, of Asbury Park. wants to marry a college professor; "Don't you agree? It reminds me of hood-now disappearing as I mature. way to becoming a reality. Witness The ceremony took place at 7:00 a.m., she says, "Oh, please stop!"; she the green years J spent in Scotland This particular gift attracts many the large hole (for foundations) op- in the Chapel of Hidden Shame, in thinks a college education leads to when ... " tourists), and a broken light socket posite Albert Norman Ward. the heart of the Bowery, with the Rev. things social and cultural; she drinks Enter Party No.2 from an abandoned house in Missis- This is probably the best thing Bcn P. Joshua officiating. "pink ladies" Oil a date; she tells her I was bisected with the following sippi (I bought this mysclf-to the that has happened to Western Nuptial Overture roomate evcrything ; she likes to foreign completion of my sentence: complete puzzlement of all analyses. Maryland since "Cross Over the The bride, given in marriage by smooch. "-when you were II. young boy- I personally think it's a display of Bridge" drifted into obscurity. her father, the late Mr. George Stan- J-IwioJ: ......She reads The A?-t of L01Jc; right?" affection fOI' my boyhood thrill de- When it's finished, future men ton, wore a traditional embroidery she wants to marry a capitalist; she "Yes.." I wheezed, rived from reading Mark Twain). students will have the advantage trim terminating in a Cathedral says, "Oh, please!"; she thinks a col- "You obviously are reverting to the Tables Overturned of living in a new clean, nOI1- train-the end of which embedded lege education leads to things social days' of your childhood-when all was The loot continued its do,wnpour. I disintegrating dormitory. And itself in the left alcove (causing eon- she drinks high-balls on a date; she happy and secure. You knew no want, quickly realized, in my mortgaged, dilapidated Old Ward, Full of aider-able damage to the second fly- tells her diary everything; she likes and -you've associated that quite panicked condition, that, in order to Tradition and Mice, will no long- ing buttress as it was attached to the to smooch. anonymously with the adver-tisements succeed and defend yourself, you have er shelter hordes of uncomfort- navel by two pink roses). A Juliet Sewor : She reads The Care alld for Scotland published by the Inter- to outdo others in the same way they able, insect-travailed, knowledge- night cap, fa shioued from her mother's Fecdil1g of Infants; she wants to mar- national' Travel Bureau. I'm sure try to undo you. It wasn't seeking males. vaudeville BVD's, was held erect ry a man; she says, "Oh!"; she thinks you're a life-long subscriber to the and significantly difficult to findia first I victim. sacrificial ~.reda :IO~~:~~i~~us~~n;ee~~ti~l~~ ~a;~~ :h:o~~f:kSed~~~~~i~g~e:~syt~~l:,hi~~;: ~:~io~~~?eOg).aPhic-on which pages Only two flies in the whole ointment, ;:~i:fi~:o;~~f::i:::~~~~~,:'2~;~::,~~t:::::,~~~~;'~i~::~L:~n~!~~~::;;;::~~;':~~i~~:~~';n~~,:nYbOdYany-;~~~~:;;:;~:::£;;la~~;~~;:t~:d:: J began felt that with his defeat to my credit I could forever be free. The minute he approached smiling broadly-as to an old friend. He reached for my extended hand as ~~n:~:\l~h:h~o~~o:~:_~~~~~:~~~x:!~~~ held. loom rose point lace with a black silk mother's dea-" , 1 suddenly brought' the same up to Low Rent District? The groom, attracting only small taffeta princess styled negligee over "Your mother and father divorced! Somcthi~g for the Class or '58 to attention in his Royal Stewart her arm. She carried an old-fashioned. I could tell it! Typical symptoms- scratch my "itching" ear. I continued smiling after he picked himself out of meditate about, already. . ~~:~:~:e~~el~\~I;!c~p~:~ !~it~, l':!:~~~e:; fo:I~:i:l~:I:~e~~~:~s~O:;I \\~~~::tet ~~:~ ~!~:ti~~I;;~S~~~I:o~~:~:~: ~~~~v~a~~: the corner of the grocery store behind out his duties nobly during the choral trolling his kleptomania as he dashed ing to me. She divorced your father, me. Id~s Of Summer ... offertory. Passionate Cavalcade six times to the local pawn shop with and you and he burned the house, stole He spoke: sir. I do believe "Good afternoon, the family the much-stimulated ring. the Illinois car, crossed We couldn't help but note how, Miss Flora Noosakatunchka, former Everyone' was especially pleased bo;;~e;, ~nd drove to ,~ew York." we've met-" • "Do you find things difficult to re- ~~;: f~~hi~~~e~~m~u~f~~' s~~~m; ~~::s \~an:e~~:a:I;\1~~n~:~ro;I~:'_~~~~~ tl:a.t the groom chose four of his ille· - "I k~~\: :~ne:e Ct:an get a red-hot member'?" I ventured. "For instance, large share of the daily news. spl'awl as she tripped over the ring- ~;.~~:\:t~lO:~:; w:: n~ht~ce~~~:rl~~lie:~; ~ne"djust !b~~ st~enlonlY forty dol- here's an easy one: \Vho was Chicken- Little?" Yes, feminine apparel was more ~~~;~\:!~t~:n~,d~;~~ct,-~co~~~~~n~~~~ as :h~.:C:;t:~:v :t~~::o~ee~he~~;~:~d ~~m ::lll~~lete-;__~P ease excuse me "I-uh-don't quite understand-" t.han ever in the spotlight. were all·local girls of question. They homc of the bride's great aunt fol- Collected Ingredients Pupil Recites "You don't need to elaborate. I know- ITEM: Col. Dilley, whom we hereby wore similar gowns of hard·top ery- lowed the cCl'cmol'lY. The guests re- .That first, nakcd encounter left me recommend for the Congressional stalettc, Jlalf-sheeted witJl a bow on marked about the delightful tempera· as the dubious owner of a used car -your older brothel' bought a dilapi· Medal of Honor, laid down the law to the appendix and toppled by the first tUre change. lot-complete with a sparse growth dated grist mill in his 'teens and, in ladies of the men of his command in six pews of draping bodices. The nine The groom, a fenestralavatarian, is of crabgrass, and six light bulbs with order to make it pay, your mother was Fl'ankfurt--dress neatly when you go of them, and the matron of honor, cal'· engaged ill window-washing at the string. forced to slave sixteen hours a day out in public, said the Colonel; no l'ied similar bouquets of oil lamps, new UN headquarters. I had mild suspicions then, but ac- (to save family reputation). Conse- shorts, no slacks, no bare midriffs, no \illustrating the story of the ten wise' Following a hike to Quebec, the tion came to the fore only after meet- quently, you were left at home with hair up in curlers. He wants the wom- and foolish virgins. Few in tIle con- eouplc will I'cside at 409 Campley Rd. ing some dozen of these suddenly an illiterate maid and you never were en to look like women. Hooray for Col. gregation noticed any errol'. in Baton Rouge. The bride wishes to plentiful depth.chargers and acquir- read any of the nursery stories. You've felt neglected since-and have Dilley. The bride's mother officiated in the thank all her old beaux for asking for ing, in l'apid succession, a pet maltese allowed your idea of memory to re_ ITEM: A French genUeman, name center aisle ticket window-wearing her tclephone nUHlber (Osborne 257- cat (identified undeniably as a rein- cede. Even though your mother often of Dior, leaned back and decreed that, a down-the·neck shoulder line of heir- 81). carnated member of my mother's mumbled beautiful verses in her sleep, henceforth, all women will buy and you refused to listen." wear dresses copied after the flat- Who's Who On The Hill "Can you get me a chair, buddy? chested look of the Roaring Twenties. I'm not so young as I waS a few min- We deplore Monsieur Dior. - utes ago." ITEM: Perhaps the most dire por- Non-Stop Man Discovered Under Old Main "Now, J just happen to have in my tent of things-to-come-that-oughtn't possession a sct of Child"rll's Corner are those revolting magazille ads fea- The Family Foutz has been repre- smoke signals pouring from the ROTC books - leather·bound - volumes any turing "what the well-dressed college scnted on this campus for over fifty building to the Book Store's back door. man would be proud to own and show woman will Wear." years-maybe that's why the fall stu- Foutz, notebook in hand, pencil be- to his guests--for the low price-" What will she wear? According to dent, arriving at \VMC, can't escape hind cal', is seen scampcring through I got my start that way and, with the cubes who designed them, a nau_ mceting the energetic dcscendent of smol,e-wearing anothel' title on his the help of two weeks and a solid line seating ensemble of Highland kilts this clan-II-lr. Charles R. Foutz, Jr. back-"Military Property Custodian." of conversatiOll, I've sold every thing- (or Bermuda shorts) and L-O-N-G Of course, this competent, llOrn- He utilizes experience in this job- that is,--everything but my broken stockings of wool. rimmeu n\ember of the human cate- having served eighteen months in the light socket. like that sort of Funny how things Can you think of anything gory has managed to locate himself Signal Corps (at Camp Crowder, Mo.; work on your sentiments. more gruesome? in a most strategic spot-the College Chicago Signal Depot, and the Signal From the old GE, a pleased Book Store. Around and within this Depot at Holabird). thumbs-up to Col. Dilley, a vio- section of Old Main resides the majol'- Later on, if you need something to Editor's Jo& lent thumbs-down to the daring ity of that school spirit of which wash down an arid peanut butter or Dior, and a promise to petition everybody says we haven't enough. If apple concoction, dormitory cokes run Getting out a paper is no picnic. for a necktie party (complete ~'our're ever in doubt as to this burst freely-thanks to the further efforts If we print jokes, people say we're with tar and feathers) for the of spirit, walk in the environs of the of Foutz. silly.-- fil'st femme who parades Wl\1C's Foutz Guild at an early hour, and You can begin to understand how If we don't, they say we're too campus in kilts and wool stock- observe: lhil) man wcnrs out a Ford a ycar. serious. ings. lnto the Wood . if we elil) thingl) from othcr pub- '1'he Post Office door will be blocked Fadors of' Heredity lications, we arc too lazy to writc with a crisscross of slite eyes, yawns, IIis mothcr and two sistcrs are tllelll ourselves. and bodily confusion-that's mail WMC graduates, as well as his \vife, If we don't pL'int every word of all THE GOLD BUG will be an involved man wearing a Chatlcs R. Fontz, J/'. the former Henrietta Little (class of contributions, we don't appreciate time. Behind, in front of, next to you 1£133). This life-long resident of West- genius. Offida] student ne"'spaperof Weotern Mary_ gl'een corduroy 0)' checked jacket- others do a bit of the work. With this minster is also the faiher of two sons If we do print them, the columns land Co!!"ge. published ... mi.monthly on Tn ... thought in mind, you stroll "morn- nay. duriug Oetober. November. January. Feb- taking money- orders, opening stub- and two daughters. As for his college are filled with junk. ruMy. Mareh. and April. and monthly dudnll' born boxes, and l'e~eheeking mail sacks ingly" into the Grill, order a cup of If we make a change in the other September. De<:ember. and May. Entered I!JI record, he attended WMC for three "e<:and das. matter at W""tminoter Poot Office. for some disappointed cooed who coffee and a partner for conversation ,years (with class of '29), then con- fellow's write-up, we are too critical. under tho! Act of Mareh 3. 1879. knows she "has to have' a letter to- and sit. Somebody yells incoherently tinued his studies at Baltimore Busi- If we dont, we arc blamed for poor M.mb., day." He's also human enough to take about "a censorcd coke maclline." Y6u ness College, of which he's a graduate. editing. Alloe-i.ted (0Ile91.t. Prell care of a package after the Parcel lean over the table just in' time to For seventeen years he was "in the Now, like as not, somebody will Subscription Price $2.00 a Year Post \\indow has been locked; i.e., if see C. R. F. coming to the scene of money'''-working fOI' the Westmin- say we swiped this from some other you have a non-hackneyed excuse. blood-calming the student suffering ster Savings Bank and Carroll County slleet. and elther pre-testism, from filling When you're quite fed up with aU At the time of his resigna- National. ." the services of this fastmover, you'll the machine with more Coke or ad- tion, lle had long been the assistant We diQ_. from The Cabinet ." Reprinted ." lean on the Book Store counter-for a justing a temperamental coin slot. cashier there . }'ealnreeditol'$_._.___ :ii pencil, film, Golf Cource card, poster Stat-istics Reviewed Yes, here's an UI)perclassman's paper, beanie, sweater, Blitz cloth, a The list of duties has attained the word for it: There's one volume in Sportseditor~ ~________LesWern.,..,·66 The next issue of tbe Gold News-feature editor ~ __ Kay MeM. '56 stack of text books, or a book you'd impressive status by now_Manager the book store which, regardless of ('opy e