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also -es's'erLratL to include a comely woman in your party, for
reasons I_will elaborate upon shortly. There are several-
schools of thought in this regard~ but'it is often easiest

to use a wife or older daughter you may happen to have to II
'cut down on, costs. If you or -the members of your party are
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without either, I have found down on their luck actresses
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or blind flower peddlers are often willing to embark on such
voyages after the negotiation of a reasonable fee or the
promise-of fame.

Once 'you have procured all the necessary elements
required,to·track and punt-the beast, .you are left with

the seemingly simple matter of approaching it. With little

ex~epti9I).; apes of myth are at 'their weakest in the' earliest
hours of the_morning. I would advise that you and your

party awaken shortly before sunrise and keep a close eye 'Oli!
the monster's domain. If the beast refuses to appear, it
is often helpful to place the comely female member of your

group in front of their lair as a sort of bait, tying her .to

_-",a nearby rock or tree as to prevent her from hysterically

fleeing. Instruct her to scream tiysteri~ally (something that,

as a member of the female gender, she will no doubt have had'
practice ,with, eh fellows?). Soon, the-ape will be drawn

t<? the noise' and, upon seeing her, will lust for her. Once

the.ape has come to inspect and sniff at her, it is at this
time that you must begin your attack. 'The timing on this

is essential, for if you act too slowly, the ape will have
snatched and-possibly-devoured the woman, while if you act

to -swiftly,- the beast will become wise to your trap and flee.

The most important lesson I can impart to you, the

reader,- is this: never attempt to use basic ammunition upon

such cre~tures. ~he mokt egregious error I'~e ~ver made was

in my younger y-ears when I tho'ught it would be :'ppropriate

to use a simple rifle on, of all creature~-, the Great Albino

Gorilla of' Jakana Falls. Needless to say, the ensuing

scuffle left bur party_in shambles (poor Osborn's hands were

,never recovered.) The .t ri ed ~nd t rue technique of 'poison

tipped arrows (preferably Amazonian Poison Dart frog'-grade

"in higher, although I am cons i st ent.Ly impressed by the

. effectivepess of platypus oils) is always the road'to be

bitaken in this regard. Should the beast, either pure luck

or sheer animalistic endurance, somehow resist the poison's

effects, be sure to have an abundant supply of chloroform

(or, if you can affo~d it, mustard gas)' on hand to -subdue

the beast . Two to four drums ought to do t he trick, but do

n9t hesitate to purchase more; this is indeed your last line

of defense against certain dismemberment, .Lf not death,

should the beast prove di fficu Lt , '

Once y6u have feiled the~pe, congratulate yourself 'and

your ,fellow hunters',for persevering in that classic struggle

., ' if'