Page 15 - ThePhoenix1996-97

Thursday, October 3, 1996 Page 3 THE SOAPBOX --------------------------~IAdamDeanl~--------------------------- Hello there! I hope everyone's> good. The main focus of this col- see campus politics as the interac- student government is important. It things. Expect the unexpected. summer was enjoyable. Por Ihose umn is going to be campus politics. tions of the student body with the can be an excellent flag to rally Well, I think that about covers loyal readers who have come back That doesn't mean I am going to administration and with student around in times of crisis or contro- it. I hope you liked the introduc- to The Phoenix and The Soapbox be focusing on student government. organizations. Student organiza- versy. Just because I criticize some- tion to Soap box '96-'97. I hope , welcome back! For those for I hate to say it, but from all I have thing does not mean I hate it. The that everyone will enjoy it this year. whom this is the first issue of the seen, student government is ajoke, It (student SGA serves a purpose, only I am Reader's opinions are very impor- "bird" I am sure you will like what It is just a bone tossed to the stu- government) is just unsure exactly what that purpose tent to me. If you have any ques- you see. I realize many of you were dent body by those who have real is. tions or comments, feel free to con- not here last year and don't have power. It is a puppet government a bone tossed to the This column is going to focus tact me at any idea what the heck The Soap- (can you say "Vichy" boys and student body by mainly on campus politics. That agdOOl@nsl.wmc.car.md.us. If box is about, why I spend my time girls?). What, you don't like what doesn't mean I will not "lose fo- you have any ideas about future writing it or why the hell you I have to say? Good, write a letter those who have real cus" and branch out into other sub- Soapboxes, drop me a line. The should waste your time reading it. to the editor. A paper that doesn't jects. You all have heard the song catch is, with any letter sent to me, That is why I'm going to take some make its readers part of the process power. "It's my party and I'll cry if I want I reserve the right to submit it to time this issue to explain The Soap- is just a bunch people writing for to?" Well It's my column and I'll the editor for publication. But re- box to the new readers. their egos. Masturbatory explo- tions are very important and I en- write what I want to! Ha Ha! As- member, your opinions and feel- The Soapbox is a broadly based sions of creativity do not interest courage everybody to join at least pects of the Presidential election ings are important to me. To para- political column. No, I'm not sure me one bit. Getting other people to one. They are the only way stu- will examined here, I can promise. phrase our great leader "I feel your what a "broadly based political listen does. dents can make themselves heard I may take time to answer questions pain"(Uh, but that's not my pain column" is either, but it sounds So, what is campus politics? I on this or any other campus. Even from readers; I may do many you are feeling, Mr. President). TALES FROM REALITY ISergioAguileraI She wants a pet. YeS'; boys and ter it. My sister came through this the basketball finals went like this: Eighth Phase; The Florida have lost the focus of the story. So girls ofWMC Land, my eight-year stage too, and whenever Mr. Girl: "Honey, we have been Phase. When she has the required as I was saying, my sister wants a old sister wants a pet. That's what Disney was bored and felt like re- going out for two days, so I think age - more than 65 - she moves pet, an animal. I keep telling her she said with her eight-year old leasing a movie, new toys from the we should settle and get married." to Florida, where she will meet the we have enough animals, if you voice. "I want a pet," she said a ftlm inexplicably appeared in my John Doe: "What?! Are you rest of the senior citizen population include my brothers, but she wants hundred times. I knew this moment home. There should be an episode telling me that wasn't a fault?! of the country; sent there in the something less hairy. Just like ev- would come sooner or later, but you on ''The X-Files" about that. People go tojail for less than thatl! same way the Russians confined ery eight-year old girl in the world, always try to deny it. As far as I Fourth Phase; Pet Phase. In this Referee, you suck!" traitors in Siberia. she will get whatever she wants know, there are several phases in stage the girl gets bored with play- Girl: "I will take that for a 'yes.' Ninth Phase; Cruising Phase. from my parents, despite my op- the life of a girl like my sister, and ing with inanimate stupid toys and I'm going to call my mom." When she is old enough to walk position. The thing is that I'm 21. the Pet Phase is one of them. The opts to play with live stupid toys, Probably the most romantic with a walker, she spends all her I'm too old for them to pay atten- only thing you can do is wait for which she calls "Sparky," "Fluffy," thing he will ever say to her will money on cruises around the world, tion to, so I will eventually have to the next stage to come. In onjer to or something like that. I call them be: "BLUUURP!!" (and ifhe re- but unfortunately she is too old to move to another house if they buy make things clear, the ten phases "pets." ally feels like a poet, he will add: take pictures and enjoy them. a dog or a cat or an ant farm. I'd of the life of a girl are listed be- Fifth Phase; Prince Phase. By "Give me another heed"). Tenth Phase; The End Phase. move to another country hefore lis- low: "prince" I don't mean this singer Seventh Phase; Mom Phase. After spending years telling lies to tening to my sister call a hairball Because of boredom or alcohol she her grandchildren about her life, names like "Sparky," "Fluffy," or Here the girl realizes that it's more fun to eventually gets pregnant, probably she passes away. Thank God she something like that. I can't wait to my future see her wedding with married once she can see how her more play with toys than with her hands or . after getting John Doe (there are a dies before daughter gets married to brother-in-law, Mr. John Doe. younger with another somebody else's hands (later she will regret million of them out there, believe the drummer of a heavy metal Sergio Aguilera, an exchange stu- dent at WMC last year; now writes me). Her baby will start his/her this decision), own phases (see first phase). band. As you have noticed, by now I from his home in Spain. First Phase; Birth Phase. Ob- who changes his name every time viously there's no girl without he changes his underwear. You THE ADVENTURES OF birth, everybody agrees here? hear things like "artist formerly Second Phase; Spittle and Mu- known as Prince" (the truth is his WILD MISTER cous Phase. In this stage, the girl real name is Bob and he's ashamed spends the day in a cradle bother- of it). In the Prince Phase, the girl ing her mother with her spittle and spends the day looking at the hori- COCKADOODLE mucous and other corporal fluids. zon with a dumb expression on her Other educative activities during face. She dreams about a prince I Dan Callahan I this phase are: touching her hands, who looks like Richard Gere who looking at her hands, and crying for is going to come in on a white horse no apparent reason. and save her from the cruelty of a I didn't realize that I was about be informed about Satan himself. ing my dentures flying), did the Third Phase; Stupid Toy Phase. villain (usually her dad). Girls in to enter the threshold of pain. If I It happened on a Friday morning, Texas Two-Step, and was on my Here the girl realizes that it's more this phase are usually called teen- knew the torture and Hell thad was my first day of college. I didn't way. Yee haw! fun to play with toys than with her agers, adolescents, or stupid. about 10 put myself through I have any classes, but I was present Crawling down the hallway half hands or somebody else's hands Sixth Phase; Wedding Phase. In wouldn't have. at Western Maryland College, a asleep, I opened the door to the (later she will regret this decision), this stage the girl realizes princes I want to warn all the young and small school resting on a hilltop bathroom. Scratching my head, I so she starts playing with stupid on white horses don't really exist, innocent victims out there who will looking at nothing. The town of said to my inner child, "Hey, I toys. Don't blame the parents for so she gets married to the first John fall prey to this monstrous villain, Westminster sat behind it, day- never knew showers came the nature of the toys, they don't Doe who comes to her college this beast among beasts, this blood dreaming and shooting the breeze- equipped with toilets. Ah huh, I'm buy them. Nobody purchases stu- dorm. This guy, John, is as attrac- thirsty scorching demon. I don't It was a hot day, not a cloud in the in the bathroom, I'll be damned." pid toys like Barbie, Ken, or the tive as John Goodman. He went to want to scare you. It can be de- sky, and I awoke after sleeping for So I closed the door and walked to baby-that-cries-all-n ight-Iong- her donn because he wanted to flirt feated. It will be defeated. It shall 30 minutes. The alarm shattered the shower. I was worried about waking-up-the-whole-neighbor- with her roommate, who became a be defeated. the peaceful morning, making my not being able to get hot water, so I hood. They have their own way of playmate. But her roommate was My name is Wild Mister head spin. I jumped up, grabbed thought I was being smart by wak- reproduction, that's the reason you busy with the whole football team Cockadoodledoo, but you can just my soap and my shampoo, and last ing up earlier then the rest of the find more and more of these toys so John gal stuck with ourgirl. The call me "doodJe," most people do. but not least, my towel. I stretched, students. in a girl's room every lime you en- key conversation took place during Let me tell you my story so you will slapped my face a few times (send- Continued 011 page 12