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Bud Light--it makes me angry.

Natty lite--I bet you have a Hitler smiley
on your bicep. Maybe you'll get on meth
and wake up toothless. Maybe the lukewarm
cans will taste better on your raw gums.
Maybe your girlfriend will shoot you one day
and you'll rot alongside used condoms.

Jagerbomb--you're trying to impress
your friends. You're terrified of
failing your classes. Vomit and neon tank tops are not
jobinterviewready clothes.
You're in for a hell of a hangover.
I hope you have life insurance.

Gold liquor--you're probably the ratfaced
smirking little smear of snot in the
English department who never fails to dress
like a douche bag. You are not James Bond.
You are not sexy. You are not charming or
debonair or a Disney prince. You are just annoying.

Kahlua pudding shots-you know what's up.
You've got your cats, your lesbian pulp fiction,
and your manic handflapping like spindancers.
Tell me your secret.

Cotton-candy-faygo-and-rum--you probably
knit in noply koolaiddyed merinoandcashmere.
Maybe you keep cutting off your friends too often.
Maybe you need to listen to more Nicki Minaj
and less Kurt Cobain. Maybe you just need another drink.